With money as tight as it is these days, it’s not uncommon to find adult children living at home with mom and dad.
Any way to save a dime is a good way.
But that living situation can stir some drama when the adult child starts dating.
Having a romantic partner over isn’t a crime, but it can start to be too much when boundaries become an issue.
Case in point…
Redditor Stunning_Energy_1932 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITAH for getting upset and hurt at my b[oy]f[riend] for asking me to, ‘give a little more’ after his parents complained that I’m a free loader whenever I come over to their home?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A little backstory.”
“I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year, he does live at home with both of his parents.”
“We are both in our early 30s, and it is a bit uncomfortable with dating since he lives at home.”
“But financially he’s saving a lot of money and with today’s market, it makes sense.”
“However, the past few months I’ve been coming over 2 to 3 times a week to his parent’s house around dinner time and to sleepover.”
“Every night, my boyfriend’s mother makes dinner for everybody.”
“She can get kind of cranky and irritable, so we all just try to give her her own space in the kitchen.”
“But whenever she asks for my help, I always give her whatever assistance she may need.”
“I also do whatever tasks she wants around the house, including sweeping/cleaning the floors, cleaning up the kitchen and the dishes after dinner, buying things outside of the home that she may need/asks for, pickup up her vegetable/fruit COOP at the local farm when she’s out of town.”
“Over Thanksgiving day weekend, my boyfriend asked his parents if I could sleep over Saturday night.”
“His parents stated they didn’t want me to sleep over that night, so I did get kind of sad, but I went home and he slept over my place that night.”
“But after I left that night (and before my bf came to my place), they got in a heated fight about it all.”
“His mom stated, ‘She shows up right at dinner and we feel Ike she’s freeloading.'”
“‘She doesn’t offer to help out or help out while I’m cooking.'”
“‘She doesn’t help prepare the food with me.'”
“While his dad said, ‘I don’t like having her here because it feels like I can’t be comfortable when she around.'”
“My boyfriend said he did defend me during this argument with his parents.”
“He said that he listed off things of how I helped her in past instances and gave examples of how I always clean up the kitchen, and I always do everything she asks of me.”
“But what hurt my feelings is that my bf wants me to, ‘give a little bit more and help out more just so she shuts up about it.'”
“But I find that insulting because I’ve done nothing wrong!!”
“I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize.”
“I’m just looking for some unbiased opinions about this whole situation. Thank you!”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITAH for feeling insulted that I need to change?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“She has overstayed her welcome but this is her boyfriend’s fault.”
“He sounds like he could afford his own place but he prefers to live with his parents.”
“That’s fine but he can’t carry on like a teen in his first relationship.” ~ Dashcamkitty
“I would bet that they might be just FINE with having sonny-boy living with them.”
“This way they can pretend that they haven’t grown older and no one’s grown up.”
“My parents were exactly like that.”
“The difficulty comes with the insertion of a significant other… their boy is having sex!!”
“Horrid thought!! In any case, the OP needs to back off, stay in her own apartment, and reassess whether she really wants to stay in a relationship with a guy who has to ask his parents if she can come over.”
“Good grief. ESH in my opinion.” ~ ComfortableBorn5202
“I think it’s really, really, really REALLY important that this guy lives alone before you guys move in together.”
“Too many women have been drafted as defacto mommy and caregiver because their guy moves straight from at home to with a partner.”
“He needs to learn to take care of his own space and buy his own food and cook for himself before he is ready to share space with someone else.”
“He needs to learn to take the lead and do things because they need to be done and not because he is told to.”
“You should have a serious conversation about that!” ~ Music_withRocks_In
“I get what you’re saying about rent, but his communication skills are garbage.”
“Also, the fact that a grown-a** man lets his mother cook, clean, and do his laundry is concerning.”
“INFO: Is he actually saving money or is he living the high life because he gets free room and board?” Does he know how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc?”
“If you were to move in with him would he expect you to do all of the cooking and housework?” ~ Consistent-Leopard71
This should be a massive red flag. He’s in his 30s and has never lived outside his parent’s home.”
“That speaks volumes about his maturity level… or his ability to take advantage of others.”
“Neither is a good look.
“Take care of your depression, be kind to yourself.”
“Do some soul searching.”
“I hope it all goes well for you.” ~ mel9036
“Don’t go to your mother-in-law’s house anymore.”
“It’s not your boyfriend’s house, it’s his parent’s.”
“On the other hand, doesn’t YOUR BOYFRIEND help with cooking and cleaning?”
“What does he do while you sweep and wash the dishes?”
“Keep in mind that if you marry you will also marry the family… look carefully if you want to be there.” ~ Single-Advantage-164
OP responded…
“He does help me out while we clean up.”
“But I agree, I think it’s time he lives on his own.”
“I’ve been battling some depression from working from home and losing my job a few months ago, so I kinda like going to their house and getting a change of scenery.”
“And my apartment is super tiny so it’s nice to have a big house to hang out in.”
“But I think you’re right.”
Reddit continued…
“Enough is enough.”
“You have your own home, eat there.”
“You have overstayed your welcome big time.” ~ Eliza-Day
“YTA. Read the room: you’re spending too much time over there.”
“The both of you are too old to be using his parent’s house as your crash pad.”
“I think you’ve also lost sight of how you’re the guest there and that this isn’t his house, it’s his parent’s house.”
“Sure, you help out a bit, but the fact is, is that they want their space back.”
“Showing up right at dinner is a major AH move too, especially as it’s multiple times a week.”
“They’re spending money to feed and house you pretty much.”
“Why don’t you guys get your own place together?”
“It sounds like you’re together just about every night anyway.”
“His parents want their space back so give it to them.” ~ Caspian4136
“I think it’s weird that you were going over there in the first place, honestly.”
“If you have your own place, why are you coming over to his place 3 nights a week and eating dinner his parents make like you’re in high school?”
“He has to ask his parents if you can spend the night.”
“You two are in your 30s.”
“This is just weird as hell.”
“I think YTA because his parents are uncomfortable and it sounds like he needs to move out.” ~ lihzee
“YTA just based on this comment alone.”
“I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize.”
“You and your boyfriend sound incredibly immature especially to be in your 30’s.”
“I live in San Francisco so I know that housing can be expensive.”
“I get it but you have a place to live so why are you at your boyfriend’s parent’s house 2-3 a week?”
“Read the room.”
“It’s pretty obvious that you have worn out your welcome and they are tired of you being at their house multiple times a week.”
“It’s not about what you doing or if you contribute.”
“His dad said he can’t be comfortable in his own home with you there.”
“What do they need to change?”
“They don’t want you at their house 2-3 a week.”
“Maybe they don’t like you.”
“And even if they do like you that doesn’t mean they want to see your face 2-3 a week.”
“This is like when people have a roommate who suddenly starts having their partner hanging out and spending the night multiple times a week.”
“They didn’t sign up to have an extra person in their space, eating their food, sitting in common spaces and just being there.” ~ Banana_Puddin11
OP came back to chat…
“This has been tough to read, but thank you, everyone, for the constructive feedback.”
“Time to take a good hard look in the mirror.”
“I need to stop spending time at his parent’s house, as I’ve outworn my welcome.”
“Depression can be hard to navigate, so I’ve been spending time at his parent’s home because it feels ‘homey.'”
“I need to stay at my own home, and if my bf wants to spend time together we can hang out here.”
“Also, I just want to note- every time I go to his parent’s house, I always make sure that we get the mother’s approval.”
“My boyfriend and I text and coordinate with his mom that it’s OK that I come over and spend the night and have dinner with them.”
“I never show up on announced.”
Well, OP, Reddit has some serious thoughts and concerns about your situation.
It sounds like you may have deep soul-searching to do.
But it’s clear you’re already aware of that.
Some therapy for yourself may be a good start. And it could be a great idea for you and your BF to make a life plan and see where the other truly fits.
Good luck.