Even if they are raised by nurturing, loving parents, adopted children still no doubt must grow up wondering many questions.
Specifically, who their birth parents are, why their birth parents chose not to raise them, and what might their lives have been like if they had not been adopted.
Some children of adoption waste no time meeting their birth family as soon as they can legally do so.
Others, however, have little to no interest in ever meeting their birth parents, firmly believing that their only family is the one who raised them.
Redditor IntelligentAngle5580 felt lucky with the family they were adopted into.
As a result, when the original poster (OP)’s sibling reached out to them about getting to know him as well as their birth parents, the OP swiftly declined.
Largely owing to what they have long believed to be the reason they were given up for adoption.
Wondering if they were making the right decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting to meet my twin or have anything to do with his family.”
The OP explained why they weren’t the least bit interested in their twin sibling’s invitation to get to know their birth family.
“My (18) biological parents got pregnant very young.”
“I won’t elaborate.”
“For some reason, they decided they could raise one kid but not two.”
“I was put up for adoption, and my parents have given me a great life.”
“I will be going to university this fall, and my grandparents are paying for it.”
“Not all of it, as I got a scholarship.”
“I’m not trying to brag.”
“My family has helped me achieve, and I would not be where I am without them.”
“I recently turned 18, and my twin was finally told that I exist and got ahold of me.”
“I’m not interested in meeting him or his family.”
“I don’t know how they chose him over me, and I don’t want to know.”
“I have a family that has never once treated me as unwanted, and I think I would be spitting in their face to have anything to do with those people.”
“My family understands, but my twin thinks in an a**hole for not wanting to meet him or my biological parents.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community all but unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to meet their twin brother and birth family.
Nearly everyone agreed that the OP’s decision on whether or not to meet their biological family was a personal one, and felt the fact that their birth parents kept their twin brother, but not them, made their decision all the more valid.
“I’m adopted, too.”
“It comes with a special set of privileges and challenges that people who were raised in their biological families don’t understand.”
“But please make sure your choice is about what you want, and not about your adoptive family.”-South-Negotiation-26
“I’m also an adult adoptee.”
“You are allowed to choose the level of relationship you have with your biological relatives and don’t owe anybody anything.”
“I do want to gently push back on something you said, though.”
“It would not be spitting in the face of your parents if you decided on contact with your bio relatives.”
“You love your parents, they love you, and your relationship is based on years of commitment and support.”
“Nobody is going to replace them.”
“It would be more like looking up an estranged second cousin and getting to know them– they’re just somebody you have a genetic connection to, not an act of rejection.”
“Maybe you’ll never want to meet any of them, and that’s absolutely fine.”
“I had no desire to connect with my bio family until I had a baby myself, and then I wanted to understand more about why they made that decision.”
“We have occasional contact but nothing deep or profound.”
“Some people never feel that desire.”
“I just want you to try not to think of it as an attack because if your feelings do change one day, it could give you unnecessary guilt.”- Spallanzani333
“The only AH here are your biological parents.”
“Twins have such a unique and intricate bond. Keeping one and putting one up for adoption is so f*cked.”
“I do feel for your twin, though.”
“I imagine it’s very confusing and sad and sh*tty to be in his shoes as well.”- Downwardspiralhams
“Fellow adoptee, and I was in your shoes at 18 as my biological family wanted to meet me literally the day I turned that age.”
“Unfortunately, in my case, it didn’t work out, and I had nothing in common with those people, and I think it left me more angry and with more questions.”
“Ultimately, you need to do what is right for you OP.”
“Don’t let them peer pressure you into this, and you can say something like ‘I’m not ready for this right now, and if in years to come I am, I’ll reach out to you’.”
“In the meantime, you have every right to block them and ask them to stop harassing you.”-ColdstreamCapple
“NTA, though your twin isn’t an a**hole for the most part (he is an a**hole for not understanding that you don’t want to meet your bio parents).”
“But really, what the f**k was wrong with your biological parents?”
“Splitting up TWINS?”
“I’m adopted, and I would rarely criticize bio parents unless their kids were taken away for abuse or something along those lines.”
“But in this case, your bio parents are awful people, and that is a form of abuse to split up twins.”
“They should have kept both, or had you both adopted out.”- VioletDuck1
“NTA-and you don’t have to explain to anyone why you don’t want to meet a stranger.”- OkSeat4312
“NTA, I am adopted as well.”
“My parents were wonderful to me.”
“My dad’s family spoiled me rotten growing up (Mom’s family were AH).”
“I have no desire to meet the bio family.”
“I have not done any of the DNA searches, nor will I.”
“This is a very personal choice.”
“If you are not adopted, you have no business judging this.”- Crazybutnotlazy1983
“As a birth mom, NTA.”
“Not in this universe or any other.”
“Live your life without worries or guilt. That’s why we (usually) give our babies up.”
“Your true family loves you like crazy, don’t worry at all about any similar DNA.”- Odd-Comfortable-6134
“You have valid feelings, you are in no way obligated to meet anyone you don’t want to.”
“However, keep in mind you can change your mind at any time.”
“Maybe 10 years from now, you will feel like meeting them.”- nerdmania
“You have your right to be left alone.”
“Maybe one day you will reconsider.”
“Either way, you are fine.”- WhoaDuderinography
“Over time, you may need health information, but if you don’t want to meet them, you don’t have to.”
“Good luck to you.”- BreakingUp47
“You don’t need to owe an explanation to your twin or your biological parents.”
“Go enjoy your university, and you already have your chosen family being your adopted family.”-Choice_Evidence1983
There were others, however, who still stood by the OP’s decision. They also sympathized with their twin brother wanting to get to know him.
“Some people want to know their biological families, and some don’t.”
“Your twin isn’t an AH for wanting to meet you, and you’re not an AH for not wanting to meet them.”
“As a mom through adoption, though, I know that my children’s relationships with their birth families aren’t a reflection on me as a parent.”
“I would hope that your parents wouldn’t think it’s ‘spitting in their faces” for their child to want to meet their biological family.”- Rredhead926
“You have the right to decide for yourself who to let into it.”
“But I won’t call an 18-year-old kid an a**hole for wanting to meet his twin.”
“And I cannot judge your biological parents.”
“I am glad you have an amazing family.”
“Keep it up.”- International_Set522
“You’re allowed to not want to meet them, and he’s allowed to be upset by that.”
“If he pushes it, for me, it would switch to NTA, though.”-Specific-Succotash-8
“You have the right to decide how much contact you want, but don’t burn bridges.”
“He’s not wrong to want to see you, so just say you aren’t in the place for that right now.”- pragmatist-84604
The OP no doubt grew up all their life wondering why their parents could only raise one of their twin children, not to mention how they came to their decision as to which one to give away.
While they likely would have found an answer by meeting them, learning the answer might not make them feel any better.
And sometimes, ignorance is truly bliss.