Future planning is something many parents agonize about when they have children.
Many hope to sock away money for college and weddings down the road, especially given how expensive those two things are today.
It can be a great relief if one's parents give you a head start.
But what happens when your kids don't end up using all that a parent saved up?
What if they'd like to use it themselves?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Turbulent_Claim_2973 when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
They asked:
"AITA for using my kids college accounts for my retirement"
How we got here.
"I'm confused if I am being a d*ck, so my friend pointed me here."
"I have a college account for each kid, they all have like around 50k at the moment."
"Now my oldest went to a trade school, and we used his account to pay for that. It was relatively cheap."
"My daughter went to a small cheap community college before she dropped out. She's now married and a stay-at-home mom."
Oh boy, leftovers!
"So both of the accounts still have a ton of money in them, and the two kids are well established at this point."
"The oldest makes six figures at this point, and my daughter married well off, and if they did divorce, she would get a lot. So I empty the accounts to use for my retirement."
"I mentioned it at dinner, and they were pissed, saying they still deserve the money even though it was for college only and they never put a cent in."
"They both called me a d*ck."
"They asked why I could retire early, I told them the reason."
"I wasn't going to hide it. They knew money was in the account; it would have come up eventually, if not for them but asking if they could use the extra for their kids."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Ownership matters.
"I kinda feel like it depends on context."
"You said they knew about the money, was it always 'their money' or was it there's on the condition that they went to and used it for college and any leftover you'd keep."
"If it was intended as and thought of by your kids as a gift, then id go soft yta. If it was on the condition of it was only for college, and the leftover was never intended for them anyway, then nta" ~ DaughterofKingsize
"NTA"
"Your money, you are the one working hard to get it."
"Your daughter who doesn't work doesn't deserve free money, and your son, in theory, had this money just to prepare himself to join the workforce."
"That's already done too." ~ ManuAdFerrum
"NTAH, it is your money that you allocated for their college."
"They didn't need all of it. It's still your money, do what you want with it. Let them set up accounts for their children." ~ Teamoosech
"Tell them it was your money to do with as it please you and you planned to fund their future. Now they're set. They DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY anymore, and now you are planning for YOUR future."
"OR"
"Tell them you gave it to charity because everyone is entitled to something that wasn't yours and secretly move it to a protected bank account and change the will."
"Either way, great job OP; you saved and educated your kids and are in a comfortable place now!!"
"Can I borrow some cash?" ~ Breasticale5
"NTA, it is your money that you earmarked for their college."
"That is all it could be used for unless you agreed to do something else with it."
"Even then, it is still your money, and you are allowed to change your mind. They, on the other hand, are greedy A Hs."
"Enjoy your retirement!" ~ trankirsakali
Legal concerns.
"Question for clarification:"
"was the money solely in your name? Or were they joint accounts?"
"Morally, I think you're in the clear."
"NTA. You put the money in specifically for their educations, nothing more."
"You paid for their educations."
"They graduated without debt, which directly impacts their current standard of living."
"They don't 'deserve' even that, really. Millions of young adults who are just as deserving end up deep in debt from school."
"But legally, if your kids names were on the account, you should double-check the legality, just to CYA." ~ Yeshanu424
"NTA and your kids should appreciate you had the ability to ensure they had opportunity without even knowing it) and ended up with no college debt because you planned for their future."
"They wouldn't have any legal rights to it or any other money of yours until your deaths) anyway."
"My grandparents-in-law were able to use their leftover college funds for four kids) into early retirement and travel. They got to enjoy a fulfilling retirement traveling all over the world." ~ red3biggs
"Regardless if YTA or not, I'd suggest checking if there could be other legal ramifications depending on the account type and registration, for example, a coverdell or a custodial account." ~ Xtremegulp
Total honesty may not have been a great idea.
"NTA because you used the money for its intended purpose."
"But why on earth would you tell them there was money left over and you were going to take it???" ~ Sensitive_Exit_3154
"NTA"
"You paid for their education with your money."
"Whatever is left over is yours to do what you want."
'"I mentioned it at dinner"'
"Mother of God, why?"
"Stop telling people stuff. Put people on information diets."
"Oversharing put you in this position." ~ KronkLaSworda
"NTA."
"This was never their money."
"They didn't contribute to it, so it's not theirs. It was money you set aside for their education, which neither of them need anymore."
"That said, telling them was a terrible idea."
"This conflict was completely avoidable by just telling them that you were in a position to retire now without telling them why." ~ NorthernLitUp
"Yeah, there was no need to tell them anything, lol."
"We save a reasonable amount for our kids' education, and my wife and I will approve any and all uses of this money before they get access to any of it."
"After education is paid, if they're responsible people, we will gift them the balances towards a home purchase, and if they don't have their sh*t together, we will retire earlier." ~ Imaginary-Job9424
Not everyone was on OP's side.
"I'm gonna go against the grain here, soft YTA"
"In a lot of families 'left over' college money is used to help the kids buy a house or as a wedding gift or whatever. It's supposed to been seen as an investment in their future and all."
"It may feel to them that you're somehow 'punishing' them for choosing cheaper options."
"Also tbh I was kinda on your side until I read"
">my daughter married well off, and if they did divorce, she would get a lot."
"Like, okay let's put aside 'well my oldest is making enough now, so I assume they'll always be making that and never have problems' that's just such a wild thing to say. "
"You weren't dumb enough to tell HER that, at least, right?" ~ Zorkamork
"I think this is a cultural thing. Maybe for an American this is ok, but I find this such a weird way to use money; I would say YTA."
"I think it would make sense to say 'I can contribute X to you getting a good start in life, here they are, prioritize using them for your education"'.
"So you are giving x money and if there is leftovers, it's still theirs."
"I think it is weird to say, "I can contribute up to x to your education. If you choose a less expensive degree, you will get less money"'.
"It feels like you are punishing them for having found a career that didn't put them in debt."
"So weird. If you planned to give them x money, why take it back?" ~ Own_Wave_1677
"I am going to say YTA here, I think converting that money into college savings accounts for your grandkids would have been the right move."
"You saved this money for them to use on college. If they didn't need all of it, you should pass that down for the grandkids to use for college."
"You take a tax penalty taking this money out for your own use, while you could pass the full value on to new beneficiaries if used for education expenses."
"This is why I think you are being selfish with your use of the funds." ~ TNWBAM2004
Personal stories from our Community.
"There's also quite a lot of elderly people who lived through harder times when they struggled with finances. My grand aunt and -uncle were like that."
"They didn't even have any children to leave anything to. T" ~ Mountaingoat101
"To add to this, possibly; my grandparents lived during the great depression. My grandfather worked at a farm starting at age 13, I think? In exchange for room and board at the farm...."
"Eventually he started his own business and was quite successful, but to this day it is nearly impossible to get my grandparents to spend money on what they NEED (much less what they might enjoy) because 'it costs so much.'"
"They just can't comprehend possibly spending so much money on things, and I guarantee their lives will be shorter because of it. :-/" ~ J1024
As with most things, the context matters here.
The kids are doing extremely well, and the future looks bright.
We hope they can resolve this squabble peacefully.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp