Money matters can ruin any relationship.
No matter what, money carries baggage.
Money is often a source of conflict between parents and their adult children.
A lot of emotions get crossed when it's time to pay back any borrowed sum.
Redditor Character-Acadia-221 found herself in a dilemma regarding her son and the money he was lent, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for insisting our son pay back a loan?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Mom of five adult children."
"To make a long story short, we lent our son and his wife $50,000 to put down on a home."
"The terms we drew up were that after a one-year grace period, they would begin paying us back at $5000 per year over 10 years with no interest, except that any late payments would incur a 20% interest fee."
"We did this for two of our daughters, and it worked just fine; both paid us back fully within 6 or 7 years."
"However, our son has always struggled with responsibility and making wise choices, and a big part of me had reservations about this loan."
"My husband said we had to be fair with all the kids, so we did it."
"After the one-year grace period, our son began to pay us back but frequently griped to us about how it was so hard to scrape up the money with the new baby, job changes, leaky roof, whatever."
"I felt bad taking his money, but he’s 29, and this was our deal."
"I still would bring them groceries, diapers, formula, etc. to help out."
"The first year, they paid us $3,200- so $1800 dollars short and we attached a 20% fee to the late funds."
"He then got angry with us for that, even though it was written in our loan contract, and he said we were 'stealing food out of (the baby’s) mouth.'”
"This is my grandson, and we adore him; again, I felt awful."
"The second year, our son lost his job and told us he needed a pause on the loan, and he never paid us back anything."
"He was now $6,800 in arrears."
"Got a new job, and one night my husband sat him and his wife down and told them that while we loved them both very much, we needed them to take this loan as seriously as if it were from a bank."
"That’s when they disclosed that they were also in arrears with the bank and several credit cards."
"Meanwhile, they had taken a vacation to Mexico and to Vegas, bought a brand-new pickup truck, and my D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] picks up takeout almost every night."
"It is now year 3, and he has only paid $500 so far this year."
"Anytime we mention the loan, he screams at us and tells us we are trying to destroy his family and starve his kids (so not the case)."
"He accuses us of being greedy and not really needing the money back."
"He has claimed that we are toxic and contributing to his poor mental health with all the stress. "
"This last weekend, they told us that they are considering going N[o] C[ontact] because we keep pushing their boundaries and are starting to negatively impact his family."
"We don’t bring it up constantly; we are careful to only mention it once every 2-3 months."
"The whole situation makes me sick, and I desperately wish we had not lent the money."
"It is such a sore subject, and our older daughters are now also angry with us for lending him the money to begin with."
"They paid their loans back after all."
"They want us to get a judgment against our son."
"I just want family peace, and I’m wondering if I should just write off the loan and let it go."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for expecting my son to make good on a contract we both signed, or should I just let it go? Yes, I know I am an idiot for lending money."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. Claiming to be stealing food outta the baby's mouth while vacationing in Vegas is crazy." ~ dtulipss
"Assuming this 50K won’t impact your own retirement in too big a way, you might consider talking to an attorney to figure out some options."
"Could this be deducted from his inheritance?"
"Lien on his house?"
"But if he is foreclosed on, you’ll be in a big line of creditors."
"My unprofessional guess is that having it impact his inheritance might be the best way to go."
"Get what payments you can and then deduct the rest."
"Then be super transparent with your daughters, who made good on their loans."
"Acknowledge the mistake, and make sure they understand how it will work down the road."
"His inheritance could even be set up in such a way that he gets no lump sum, or his money is held in trust for your grandchildren. "
"NTA. Good luck to you."
"How hard." ~ Human-Ad-5574
"My wife and I aren’t struggling for money, but while saving for our wedding, it was our number one goal to save."
"At the same time, I took a new job that didn’t have a company car."
"So even though I could have afforded to buy a car, I caught public transport to work for 2 years while we saved."
"This f**kwit is behind on payments and has two new cars and two vacations?"
"Absolutely crazy." ~ zaphodbeeblemox
"Just leave him $100 in the will and 50-50 to the other kids."
"This is an early inheritance."
"Stop stressing about it and never lend him money again." ~ sooner-1125
"This, 100%."
"Mom and dad need to find out how long the contract is good for, for starters."
"Sounds like this son and his wife are ridiculously irresponsible and risk having their child taken away by authorities since the food has been stolen from their child’s mouth 🙄."
"Can’t have a starving baby, now, can we?"
"NTA whatsoever for expecting the money repaid per the signed agreement."
"Kinda TAH because you knew this would be an issue."
"Personally, I’d keep at it and make the kid repay as required, even if his wages need to be garnished."
"But that jeopardizes your relationship with your son/D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] as well as your grandchild."
"Are you ready to do that?"
"Because if you don’t, you risk your relationship with your OTHER children for making them adhere to the contract but not their brother."
"You’re gonna have to pick the lesser of two evils here." ~ mumtaz_2004
"NTA. A deal is a deal."
"But you're not getting that money back without going through the courts, I bet."
"So, get ready."
"If you write off the loan and let him get away with this, your daughters are going to be rightfully pissed." ~ BubbleCrum
"If I were your daughters who paid off the loan, and then you just let it go for my brother… I would be pissed."
"Do not alienate your other children because of your son’s poor decision-making."
"He needs to learn."
"I agree with your daughters that you need to look into legally getting your money back from him." ~ Same-Return-5784
"NTA. Your son is TAH; you know it."
"Don’t you dare betray your daughters by writing the loan off".
"If you must reduce any inheritance he gets by the outstanding amount, be clear that’s what’s happening." ~ Comfortable-Fall1419
"NTA. I don’t know how much money you have."
"I’m guessing you’re 65ish."
"You’ll likely live another 20-25 years."
"If you had invested that money instead of giving it to your son, it would have grown to around $150,000 by the time you die."
"So, 'fair' would be to leave your son $200k less in your will than the other children."
"Tell him that if he fails to pay you back, his inheritance will be deducted by the loan amount PLUS INTEREST."
"This only works if you’re fairly well off and don’t anticipate needing that money in the coming years."
"If you need the money, your only option is to take your son to court (or threaten to)."
"The reality is that doing that might be more expensive & more trouble than it’s worth."
"Your son is blackmailing you by threatening to cut you off."
"At this point, he has stolen from you."
"Paying you $420 /month should not be a hardship."
"Stop feeling terrible."
"He doesn’t." ~ pineboxwaiting
"NTA for expecting your son to honor a contract he signed."
"Bringing it up once every couple of months is pretty mild, and he's the one who skipped payments, went to Mexico and Vegas, and bought a new truck while telling you he couldn't afford it. "
"Your daughters paid back the same terms in full, so the terms were reasonable."
"That said, you're really asking two things."
"Being in the right and getting your money back are different problems."
"Taking your own son to court will probably end the relationship, and you'd be paying to chase money he may not have."
"If family peace matters more to you, you can write it off, but do it deliberately."
"Tell him the loan is forgiven, decide with your husband whether it gets deducted from what he'd get later so your daughters see it handled fairly, and tell him you won't be lending again."
"Also, I'd stop bringing groceries and diapers while there's takeout every night."
"Helping with the baby is kind, but right now it makes it easier for him to keep ignoring the loan." ~ PoutineDiamond
Reddit is standing with you, OP.
Your son and DIL are being shady.
You have every right to ask for your money back.
They signed off on the contract.
Good Luck.
