Caring for aging parents isn't easy.
If everyone is lucky enough to live long enough, then everyone will get old.
But getting old isn't cheap.
Life is expensive in so many ways.
And family can only do so much.
Redditor toterra wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for offering to buy my parents a home instead of just giving them the money?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I live in the Great Lakes region."
"We are both professionals, and we have children in high-school/college."
"We've done reasonably well and have built up significant savings, but we're definitely not wealthy enough that $300,000 is money we can just give away."
"My parents are in a bad financial situation."
"They own a house but are heavily in debt on it, so they live in the basement and rent out the main floor."
"They believe they have about $400,000 in equity."
"We think they're being wildly optimistic."
"They have a large mortgage with significant penalties, a HELOC, and property values have fallen."
"We think they'd be lucky to walk away with $200,000, possibly much less."
"Earlier this year, they found an apartment they liked for around $300,000 and asked us to co-sign a loan to buy it."
"We refused because of their financial history."
"Instead, we offered to buy the apartment ourselves and let them live there for a fraction of market rent."
"They loved the idea."
"We just needed several months to arrange our finances."
"This is still a major commitment for us."
"We have children and our own retirement to fund."
"The reason we can justify spending $300,000 is that we'd own the property."
"We'd essentially be moving part of our retirement savings into real estate while giving my parents secure, affordable housing."
"Eventually we could sell it to fund our retirement."
"We finally got everything arranged and told them we were ready."
"Now they've decided the apartment they wanted six months ago is too small and they 'couldn't possibly live there."'
"Instead, they've found a much more expensive condo they like."
"The condo fees alone are over $1,100/month.
"They insist they can afford it because they're counting on getting $400,000 from their house."
"The problem is that they now seem to think the money we were prepared to spend buying an apartment is essentially their $300,000."
"Their position is that if we're willing to spend that much helping them, why not just give them the money so they can combine it with their equity and buy what they actually want?"
"I can see how our position might seem controlling: 'We'll spend $300,000 helping you, but only if we own the property.'"
"But to us there's an enormous difference between investing $300,000 in an asset we own and simply giving away $300,000 of our family's savings."
"Our offer still stands: we'll buy a reasonable apartment around the original price, own it, and let them live there very cheaply."
"If they want the expensive condo instead, that's their choice, but we're not giving them the $300,000."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for offering to buy my parents a home but refusing to just give them the money?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. Talk about choosy beggars." ~ Ingwall-Koldun
"Your deal of buying the apartment is already good."
"They are foolish not to accept it."
"Stand your ground." ~ ceSeeker
"What’s wrong with living in a basement apartment?"
"Might be uncomfortable, but it’s a roof over their heads, worlds better than being homeless, and is a consequence of their past financial decisions."
"That might sound heartless, but it is the thing they have that they can make the best of."
"I struggle with some similar things with my in-laws, and constant guilt that we have it better than they do, but it’s because we’ve scrimped and sacrificed and made choices for decades."
"They made different choices; we haven’t abandoned them, and they have all their basic needs met (quite a few of which were provided by us)."
"That might just have to be enough." ~ currentlylostagain
"Actually, OP's parents can sell the house."
"If they don't have $400,000 in equity (and they probably don't), they can rent an apartment and keep whatever they get from the sale as their elder care fund."
"OP should make it clear they're not able to help with that, so if mom and dad blow through the money it's a state-run home in future." ~ readergirl35
"NTA. I know, right, the cheek of them."
"Whatever Op does, make sure everything is in writing."
"They need to make the parents aware that they won't own the flat; they are just renting, that is it." ~ MomoSkywalker
"They voluntarily live in a basement."
"But the new apartment you are generously taking a risk on for your parents is TOO SMALL?!"
"UH... this is not a risk I would take."
"This is an as*-saving, significant thing you are doing for them, and they see it as... 'hmmm, they were willing to buy THAT one. Let's see if they'll get THIS one instead.'"
"Nope out NOW."
"You are so far away from AH; you went 600 miles from the exit. NTA." ~ LilacRed
"NTA. Honestly, I would walk away from the entire arrangement."
"They sound like they would stop paying rent to you at some point." ~ TheTravelingTurtle
"NTA. I’d withdraw the offer completely."
"Tying yourself up with a $300k with people who are entitled is just going to end badly for everyone."
"What happens when they can’t pay rent anymore?"
"You’ll end up with the mortgage." ~ Emissary_007
"You're getting some really good advice all around."
"I would add, talk to them; make them realize the enormity of the sacrifice you're offering."
"The risk to you and your family."
"And that this is in no way, shape, or form THEIR money."
"This needs to be very clear in their minds, crystal clear."
"Also, they should get a real estate agent to do a valuation of what their house is actually worth, and that, at the risk of repeating myself, whatever they get from their house, if they sell, you are NOT adding the 300k to that amount."
"Honestly, your parents should look into other options for their future living arrangements; this should not be on you."
"They sound incredibly selfish, entitled, not to mention ungrateful; and if it was me in your shoes, I wouldn't do it."
"With my children's future in mind, I just couldn't bring myself to take that level of risk."
"Plus, you don't know how they will maintain your apartment, and in the long run it could cause you a lot of heartache and more money for repairs and could really damage your relationship."
"But you and your husband have to decide what you want to do together. NTA." ~ Capable_Restaurant11
"NTA. If you do end up buying a property to rent to your parents, you definitely need to have a good lease that clearly lays out the rules (no pets, no long-term guests, etc.) and you should hire a management company to deal with issues, collect rent, and start eviction proceedings if necessary."
"If your parents don't like your offer, they can buy their own condo with their equity."
"That would be best for you." ~ teresajs
"NTA.With their financial history, no way you should allow them to control the money."
"You set the boundaries that work for you, then they can take it or leave it."
"You're doing them a favor when you dont owe them anything." ~ Particular_Bus_9031
"NTA. Honestly, I wouldn't even trust them to pay the monthly rent."
"It sounds like they are fiscally irresponsible and will come up with some excuse for why they cannot pay.
"Or they will feel entitled and use the fact that you own the condo against you."
"Ask yourselves if you can financially afford the mortgage, HOA, property taxes, maintenance, insurance 100% on your own without your parents paying rent." ~ livelaughcarbs
OP came back to chat...
"I've changed a few personal details for privacy."
"I want to emphasize that our real fear is that mom will spend another winter living in the basement."
"It is horrible."
"Also, they could very well end up homeless."
"We can't let that happen."
"We understand that they will probably be terrible at paying rent."
"We are basically going to ask for enough to cover condo fees and taxes."
"And even that might be a challenge."
"Financially, this is a terrible plan... but the alternative is Mom spending another winter in the basement apartment, which we feel terrible about."
"Update: This has blown up a bit more than I expected."
"So I showed this to my partner, and then we sat down with ChatGPT and came up with a financial plan for ourselves to retire comfortably in 5 years (we are in our early 50s)."
"We will take this to a financial advisor and make it happen."
"Still going to have to keep a reserve to deal with the parents to keep them from being homeless when their financial decisions catch up with them, but yeah, if they want to just throw away my money, then forget it; I can retire early and in comfort instead."
"(Edit: To be clear.. ChatGPT was just giving us ideas and a timeline of what to do. We do not trust it fully (or even very much). We will be taking the plan to an advisor to actually figure out what we are going to do)."
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your parents have to make things work with the hand they were dealt.
You can't sacrifice your own life.
Hopefully, they come around and understand..
