While pregnancy and parenthood are popular subjects on social media, the hardships of being pregnant, the early days of parenthood, and figuring it all out are not so commonly discussed.
Maybe if these were talked about more, more parents wouldn’t feel so alone when they struggle, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
During her third trimester, Redditor seeleq was struggling and needed the support of her family.
But when she wanted to move in with her in-laws for a while to get that support, the Original Poster (OP)’s husband was adamantly against it.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for forcing my husband to move in with his parents?”
The OP and her husband had different opinions about living with her in-laws for a while.
“We recently moved in with my in-laws because I’m 31 weeks pregnant with our first child, and I feel like I need my mother-in-law for support since I’ve been pretty terrified the entire third trimester and my parents don’t live nearby.”
“My husband didn’t want to move in with them, and the only reason he did is that I told him I would go without him and he could stay in our home alone until after the baby is born.”
The couple was frequently arguing about the setup.
“His parents are great and they’re very close, so that’s not why he didn’t want to temporarily move in with them.”
“We’ve fought about it a lot before we moved, and we’re still arguing about it now, because he thinks it wasn’t necessary and I’m stressing over nothing, which maybe I am, but that doesn’t magically make the stress disappear.”
“He’s said multiple times that I forced him to move here, but he could’ve stayed at our house as I said.”
The OP thought she had the right idea.
“I can’t expect my mother-in-law to visit every day, and I feel better being in a house with other people around.”
“My husband does sometimes work from home, but he’s usually holed up in his office, so it’s like he’s not here anyway, so this is better for me.”
“My in-laws are more than happy to have us here, but my husband is still sulking and gives me an annoyed look whenever his parents say something about his habits that he doesn’t like.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some supported the OP’s need to be surrounded with people who she could lean on.
“NTA.”
“Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but if this works for you, that’s fine. In most Asian cultures, the mum-to-be will go to her parents or in-laws if she had to in her final trimester.”
“Babies are hard work! The final trimester is hard work! Recovering post-partum can be tough for some people.”
“If you have the option of having a village to help you, then you’ve done the right thing by using that help. Your husband will be grateful after the babies are born.”
“I really don’t understand the Y T A comments. It’s your pregnancy, do what feels right for you and baby.” – Level-Experience9194
“Soft NTA. Bring me your downvotes but what would you say if the OP posted, ‘My hubby didn’t feel comfortable letting me move in with my in-laws when I needed support and reassurance and now I have post-partum depression?'”
“There is a situation where one party will be unhappy with the solution. Many say that OP should go to therapy and learn to cope with anxiety.”
“Well, it seems to me that having a calm and confident mother-in-law would be a nice way to cope. They cook and talk babies. They watch tv and talk doctors. They put laundry away and talk daycare.”
“Little by little, the new mother will get into this world of motherhood and gain some knowledge about onesies and development and introducing strawberries to the kid.”
“It’s not fun for the dad, but hey, he has their original place where he can go chill for some hours or days. OP is fine with him staying there, so why not split days where he comes home, has dinner, and goes to their bedroom, with days where he goes to their empty house, has dinner, and plays a bit before bed?”
“Maybe they could compromise on OP hanging out with in-laws Monday through Friday and them having alone time during the weekend.”
“It’s not the end of the world, it’s hardships of parenthood. Op, don’t let this anxiety get to the little one. They feel everything you feel.” – Queasy-Background209
“NTA. I’ve had two pregnancies while living with mental illness and the stuff that the hormones do is not fun. It’s great that this mum-to-be has the amazing support of MIL. What a blessing that would be. Granted it’s odd in our culture but in many other cultures this is normal.” – Crazy_Cat_Lady360
“As someone who comes from a culture that values community, the YTA comments are shocking.”
“You have every right to want to be around other family members and your comfort is the utmost priority. Women should never have to go through pregnancy alone and that is a concept the Western world has created. You deserve to have help raising the baby and through childbirth.”
“In my culture, the in-laws and any women in the family will help out, the mother of the child will go to her parents to give birth so that the grandma can provide support too. They help take care of the baby for the first few days and teach her everything she needs to know.”
“Women going through pregnancy alone isn’t normal but somehow it has become due to Western ideology. Going through it alone makes it harder to get through PPD as well.”
“Ignore the YTA comments. Those people have not got loving families and are bitter that they never got help with raising their children. YOU ARE NTA.”
“Your husband should not have had a child if he didn’t want to help support you.” – Cold-Dimension-7718
“Honestly, people saying that the person suffering from the mental health issue has the responsibility to take care of it themselves and she needs therapy, are really off base with the difference between normal anxiety disorders and pregnancy-related ones. Therapy can take years to make a breakthrough, even months before the person starts to find the right coping mechanisms. She doesn’t have that time.”
“Also, pregnancy-related anxiety, depression, rage, and psychosis are hormone-based and, especially for someone who normally has no mental health issues, be scary, nearly uncontrollable, and can escalate quickly. If living with the in-laws for a bit nips this anxiety in the bud, awesome. I’m sure her OB-GYN would probably say the same. That’s not to say she shouldn’t pursue therapy or talk to her ob/midwife about this. She absolutely should.”
“But, for people saying she needs to grow up and just deal with feeling anxious, stress can be very dangerous during late pregnancy. It can make you go into labor early and/or make labor longer, more painful, all kinds of complications. Pregnancy can really make you feel crazy, not for everyone, but for a lot of people.”
“If this makes her feel safer and the in-laws are happy to help, then I think that her health, mentally included, is worth more than him being annoyed for a couple of weeks. Likely, this anxiety about something going wrong and needing someone to be around while she is pregnant will go away after giving birth. If not, then a much bigger conversation about her mental health needs to happen, but that still does not make her an a**hole.”
“NTA.” – BrownFieldMouse
Others thought the OP was asking too much of her husband.
“I’m going to go light YTA, for a few reasons:”
“It’s very valid that you would want family support in a time like this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this move has hurt your husband in the sense that he’s been made to feel like he’s not good enough support for you. Like, the vibe is ‘Your mother is the one who makes me feel secure in my pregnancy, not you and our shared home.'”
“When moving through these kinds of big life milestones, people usually like to feel as though they’re moving forward, not backward, and for most adult folks, moving back in with their parents (who usually have a set of house rules and continue to infantilize their children even when they’re grown) make them feel like they’re moving backward. Your husband might feel like he’s being treated like a kid, even though he’s about to become a father.”
“This might be the biggest one… unless a relationship is over or abusive, both sides of a couple need to agree unanimously about these kinds of things. You essentially didn’t give him a choice in this, and told him, ‘I’m removing myself and your unborn child from our current state of life, you can either buck up and join us or be s**t out of luck.’ That’s not particularly kind or fair as a partner.”
“All this to say, I know that pregnancy is a tough time that’s strife with worries and emotions. But that said, your partner is still entitled to fairness and empathy. It’s his life too.” – swishystrawberry
“YTA… Did you take into consideration that there may be a reason your husband doesn’t want to live with HIS mother?”
“Also, it’s unhealthy to drop ‘do this or I’m leaving’ in a marriage.” – Lyssariea
“YTA, to yourself and to him.”
“Your anxiety is controlling your life AND being a massive detriment to your partner. These are not normal requests to be making and I’m not really sure what the goal is here. Do you plan on forcing extreme life changes every time you’re terrified of something? That’s no way to live.” – BoyoDee
“YTA. Why are you having kiddos with someone when you’re not emotionally prepared to have said kiddos with that said someone?”
“I’d talk to a therapist about anxiety, as it can (and might) only get worse from here! Your doctor needs to be informed that you literally moved into your in-law’s house because you’re too scared to be alone for labor or when the baby comes. Good luck!” – LikeSnowOnTheBeach
“YTA. I am not sure how old you are but if you are so immature that you can’t not handle having a baby with your husband and need to live with your in-laws, did you are not ready to have a child.”
“What are you so terrified about? And why do you not think your husband can give you the support you need?”
“What happens when the baby comes, are you going to be too terrified to raise it and will continue to live with your in-laws?”
“Grow up and go back home. Your husband is right.”
“You need to learn how to handle your pregnancy like an adult and if you need help you can reach how to his parents BUT you don’t need to live there.”
“This pregnancy is not ALL about you and the disrespect you are showing your husband is amazing.” – CranberryFun3264
The subReddit was deeply torn over this one, specifically because of the couple’s relationship with the in-laws. While some could understand the OP’s need for more support, others thought she should have been more considerate of her husband’s feelings, who may have not been comfortable moving back into his parents’ home.