Wedding guest lists invite a lot of drama.
Everybody wants to be part of the fun, but sometimes having everybody attend just isn’t possible.
It can be even more of a scene when choosing who is and isn’t a part of the wedding party.
Especially when certain loved ones feel entitled to a spot.
For some reason, a lot of people lose sight of the fact that this day isn’t about them.
Family can be tricky to navigate.
Case in point…
Redditor Vast-Virus-4404 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I didn’t ask my niece to be a flower girl?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (28 F[emale]) and my fiancé (30 M[ale]) are planning our wedding and originally wanted his niece (3) and my niece (5) to be co-flower girls.”
“My niece is the only little girl in my family, so it’s pretty much expected by the whole family that she will be a flower girl at our wedding.”
“For some background, many members of my family (myself included) think that she is on the autism spectrum, but my sister and B[other] I[n] L[aw] refuse to entertain any idea of that being a possibility.”
“I absolutely adore my niece, but after seeing her as the flower girl at my brother’s wedding last week I do not want her in mine.”
“Behavior examples include…”
“Chucking the flower petals at the guests like she was pitching a major league baseball game…”
“Screeching through the entire ceremony…”
“Getting up onto the altar and doing a Fortnite dance while they were exchanging their vows…”
“Climbing onto the tables during dinner, going to the middle of the dance floor during the wedding party speeches, and taking her dress off…”
“And grabbing the microphone to announce that she had to poop.”
“She is an only child so my sister and BIL think this is completely normal for her age and that her antics are just THE CUTEST.”
“So it’s not easy to ask them to supervise her more closely, and to be honest, I don’t trust that they would if I asked.”
“I love my niece, but she is out of control in formal settings.”
“I feel really selfish for thinking that she will ruin my wedding.”
“But I was mad FOR the bride last week and can’t imagine how I would feel if it were me.”
“I don’t want to upset anyone by not asking her or having to explain why I’m not asking her, and she will still be invited to the wedding so I’m sure there will be some antics.”
“But after discussing it with my fiance, we agree that we do NOT want her to be a part of the ceremony.”
“My niece has exhibited behavior associated with A[utism] S[pectrum] D[isorder] since she started walking.”
“I only mentioned the possibility of ASD as an explanation of why her acting outside of social norms could be due to reasons other than her being a brat/having bad parents/being a bad kid, which is why I think I might be the a**hole”
The OP was left to wonder,
“So, WIBTA for asking his niece to be our flower girl and excluding my own?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You might consider not having a flower girl at all.”
“That way, no one will be hurt.”
“Personally, I’d have a serious talk with your sister about acceptable behavior.”
“The parents really need to step up.”
“The behavior you described is not typical of a three-year-old at a serious event like a wedding. Good Luck!” ~ cornelioustreat888
“Yeah, I had to triple-check that age.”
“If she was 2, I would have been like, ‘Yeah, you can tell her that it’s not nice to do those things, but sometimes 2-year-olds gonna 2 year old.'”
“But she’s 5!”
“I mean, even at 2, the parents should have grabbed her when she did some of those things, but at 5, she’s old enough to know not to do these things, and her parents should know that it’s not cute at all.”
“I kind of hope that OP does have the other kid as a flower girl and explains to her sister why this choice is being made.”
“It will create issues, but they are going to raise the most annoying adult.”
“5-year-olds become bratty teenagers quickly, and then they quickly become adults that nobody wants to be around.”
“Sister and BIL are setting their daughter up for failure.” ~ haleorshine
“Absolutely! And if she’s on the spectrum, like her family thinks (which I hadn’t noticed on first read), then it’s even harder for her to control her impulses.”
“Unfortunately, if her parents are treating these behaviors as ‘cute,’ she’s never going to learn to control her impulses and this is going to get a lot worse.”
“That’s why I think the parents knowing why she’s not going to be a flower girl would help in the long run, even if it would cause short-term pain (and probably a lot of it).”
“They need a wakeup call so they can provide that more active supervision and redirection.” ~ haleorshine
“Same! It totally blows my mind when people can’t understand that just because an impulse is understandable for the age doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be discouraged.”
“Like yes, kids that age do want to do certain things, but you’re supposed to teach them how their actions affect other people.”
“And how to deal with those impulses in a way that is healthy and ensures that other people won’t avoid them for being antisocial… (antisocial in this sense of being hostile or harmful to society instead of just not wanting to be around people).” ~ Humble_Plantain_5918
“I couldn’t agree more!”
“To be honest, I would think they have the nerve to ask or even expect their child to be a flower girl after her recent antics.”
“If they do question you about your decision, just point them to the bride and tell them to ask her how she felt about her behavior. NTA.” ~ Apart_Foundation1702
“Hell, I was six when I was uninvited from being a flower girl in my brother and S[ister] I[n] L[aw]’s wedding.”
“I’d had a serious injury that was generally healed but required me to use a medical device (metal eye patch), and she didn’t want her pictures to show that–YTA, ex-SIL).”
“And I was happy enough getting to run around and dance with my dad and brothers.”
“I didn’t find out about the bride’s ableist bulls**t until I was in my 30s.”
“At which point my opinion of her was already quite low because of her behavior in the interim.”
“Parents spinning it as nothing personal and being fair to everyone, and hyping up the exciting parts, should be fine.” ~ sariannach
“Yes, she needs more active supervision but apparently isn’t getting it, so… Spectrum or not, her parents are really setting her up for failure.”
“Immediately, if she’s not homeschooled, in the near future if she is ‘homeschooled.'”
“The quotes are because if they’re not monitoring and correcting her basic behavior, I doubt they’d spend the time and effort to homeschool effectively. NTA.” ~ Suitable-Tear-6179
“Just wanna say my 2-year-old with a sensory processing disorder and likely A[ttention] D[eficit] H[yperactivity] D[isorder] managed to keep it together for the 4 minutes of flower dispersion at my sister’s wedding.”
“We told him his uncle (the flower man) needed a lot of help walking because he’s not good at it, and my son was like, I WAS BORN TO HELP THIS MAN, and proceeded to walk a grown man in a military uniform down an aisle while hucking about three petals into some bushes that he almost got distracted by.”
“Then he sat with grandma and watched the trash truck during the ceremony and was spirited away to bedtime after.”
“At FIVE I’d expect him to be a bit more chill, OR I’d know him well enough to be like, ‘Not today good sir, you’re off your rocker this week, so off to the in-laws for the day with you.'”
“Like damn, learn your kid.”
“That’s not going to be a fun memory or set of photos when she’s 15.” ~ bunhilda
“My cousin got married back in April, and his sister and her wife had his 3-year-old niece as the flower girl.”
“Granted, she looked absolutely adorable, but she got one look at the crowd when the doors opened for them to walk in the room and noped right out of that! Hung back, pulling on their hands, trying to escape.”
“Eventually, they carried her down the aisle, and she was fine, but these things are often overwhelming for a kid that age.”
“Easier to just not have one and avert the possibility of a meltdown from either of them, spectrum or not. OP – NTA.” ~ stunneddisbelief
“To be honest, it sounds more like ADHD than being on the spectrum, if anything.”
“I do agree that it is mostly the parents not setting boundaries for behavior from the sounds of things. NTA.”
“I completely agree.”
“I understand why OP doesn’t want her niece to be a flower girl, but there’s going to be hell to pay if the fiance’s niece gets the honor alone.”
“Just eliminate having a flower girl at all.”
“I’d even go so far as to eliminate having a ring-bearer as well.”
“Make the wedding party all adult, so there’s no hurt feelings.” ~ PrscheWdow
“NTA… but did no one else giggle at the Fortnite dance, ripping her dress off, or announcing she had to poop over the microphone?”
“I’m am cry laughing.”
“Maybe she is just missing her niche.”
“I’d like to hire her for my divorce party.” ~ duckingridiculous
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It’s your wedding.
You get to choose who is in attendance and who plays a part in the festivities.
It sounds like your sister and BIL need to do some soul-searching.
Sounds like their daughter may need help. Hopefully, she gets it.
You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your day over their parenting choices.
Congratulations and good luck.