Certain antiquated customs regarding women’s roles in a marriage are thankfully becoming a thing of the past. No longer are women expected to be submissive homemakers whose sole duty is to follow their husbands.
Even if many people think there is still progress to be made when it comes to equality in marriage.
Progress that likely won’t happen without a fight.
Redditor primageniture and her fiancé were expecting their first child.
The original poster (OP) had some ideas regarding her unborn child’s name.
Ideas that noticeably veered away from tradition and did not sit terribly well with her husband.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for insisting that our baby takes my (25 F[emale]) surname instead of my fiancé’s (26 M[ale])?”
The OP explained why her ideas regarding their child’s name sent her husband into a tizzy:
“Me (25 F) and my fiance Arjun (26 M) are currently 5 months along in our pregnancy with our unexpected, but very welcome, first child, a daughter.”
“Relevant to the story, I am white British, and he is of Indian descent (3rd gen in the UK).”
“We met 6 years ago at University on a group project, where we were sorted alphabetically by surname and the rest is history.”
“Obviously, I’m not going to put our actual surnames on the internet, but they are both 3 or more syllables and begin and end with the same letter/sound.”
“For the sake of the post, say his is Mukherjee and mine is Mulvaney.”
“We have decided our daughter’s first and middle names and are looking at the surname situation, which has been heated.”
“I have always been resolute in keeping my surname, and while I always thought I would double barrel any kid’s names, given the similarity and length of our surnames, we both agree it would be really unfair for the kid as it would be a tongue twister that she would have to explain through school.”
“So, I suggested we use my surname as the surname and have his as a second middle name – basically on all important documentation, so if he is taking her anywhere, it’s easier/ won’t be called up on it.”
“Whilst he said the second middle name was a good idea, he was angry and upset that I want to use my surname, when passing the name down is something fathers do.”
“Thing is, in my opinion, surnames are very linked to families, and his family has made it clear that I am not welcome.”
“His parents, despite both being born in the UK, disagree with our relationship and want him to marry another person from his culture.”
“I have only met them about five times due to how deeply unpleasant they are to me, and he has a distant relationship with them, too.”
“My parents and brother (24M) have been the ones to take us under their wings, be there for him and even offer up our home for a bit when he moved to our city.”
“He is super close to them, and my brother is one of his groomsmen in our wedding next year and I want to honor them by giving our surname to our child.”
“I want our daughter’s surname to represent a place where she, and both of her parents, are always welcome.”
“He says I have a brother, who can carry on the family name whilst he has a sister who has already had kids, and I retorted saying I don’t see why that duty should only be for men?”
“I said it’s not the Middle Ages anymore, and I am contributing as much money and time into our daughter, am growing and birthing her, and have a family who have supported our relationship and her unconditionally. It became a fight, so I went to my parents (the next town over), where I am typing this now, so we could have a breather.”
“They don’t know the situation.”
“I get that men have come to expect to have the surname, so I feel really guilty, but I want to carry mine on too.”
“Any advice is super appreciated, as I really don’t know what to do.”
“The first name is Western. He’s had the girl name picked since he was a teenager, and all of his boy names we discussed pre-finding out were Western – albeit pretty international names.”
“The first name was 100% his choice, and I fell in love with it, too, as I realized it was a variation of my nan’s name. Say my nan was called Carol, the name is Caroline.”
“The middle name is Indian.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for wanting her baby to take her surname.
Most felt the OP’s observations were valid, agreeing that since the OP’ fiancé’s family has not welcomed her into their family, their family name should not be commemorated:
“Nta.”
“Is your family welcoming of him?”
“Would he be open to taking your family line name on?”- sally_is_silly
“NTA.”
“The fact that the baby follows the patriarchal line is outdated, I agree.”
“As someone in a relationship with someone with a clunky double-barrelled name, big no to that too.”
“However, you might want to consider what his surname means to him, though I do get your point about his family.”
“It definitely needs a calm discussion.”
“How involved is he in other aspects of the name?”- jigsawsandroses
While others understood why the OP’s fiancé wasn’t entirely on board with the idea, even if they understood the OP’s perspective as well:
“NAH.”
“The best advice is to use both.”
“Whoever doesn’t get their way is going to be upset.”- Educational-Loss5615
“NAH.”
“Currently 31 weeks pregnant, and my partner and I still haven’t settled on the last name – the difference being for us it’s not about ‘I want my name’ and more trying to decide which one is a better fit.”
“Whatever last name we settle on for our child will be the last name we both take when getting married and haven’t locked in our first name (narrowed down to 5).”
“He is completely open to taking my last name despite his mother blowing a gasket of ‘YOU WILL NOT!’ When he told her it was a possibility.”
‘His response was it’s not 1920, and as I’ve done all the work in making the baby and he loved me enough to want to be with me forever, having my name on the table as a real option was the absolute least he could do.”
“Middle name was the easiest locked in almost immediately.”
“I think your position is fair – his family doesn’t accept you – why should your child get their name as it’s basically making you an incubator in their eyes? However, if the first name is a family name for you… I see his point of keeping things fair and balanced.”
“One scenario my partner and I played with was making a new last name combining both our last names rather than hyphenating (mine is a hyphen, and I hate it, so planning on dropping one regardless) but couldn’t come up with something that sounds right.”
“Sadly though, I fear this is likely to be a battle of attrition that one of you will need to cave on, and there is no right or wrong in this situation.”- Aradene
“NAH.”
“You’re not an a**hole for wanting this, and he’s not an a**hole for having his feelings on this as well.”
“This does need to be sorted out, though, and quickly.”
“This may be a situation where there is some kind of hyphenation, even if it’s cumbersome.”-
Yernar125
“NAH.”
“Naming babies can be really hard, and both of your views and feelings are valid.”
“I have always been adamant that I wouldn’t change my last name and wanted any kids to have my last name as well.”
“My husband was totally fine with me not changing my name, but when I was pregnant, he was definitely not on board with our daughter having my last name.”
“We both had a hard time explaining to the other why it mattered so much to us and eventually, I came around to hyphenating (which he was cool with from the beginning).”
“But I think in some ways it comes down to feeling like the outsider in your own family – everyone else has the same last name, and you’re the different one.”
“I think your rationale of wanting to honor your family is sweet, and I also understand how your finance might feel like his family is being erased.”
“The last name isn’t just his parents’, it’s his.”
“In fact, it’s how you two met, and both of your last names are extra special for that reason.”
“I wonder if he doesn’t know exactly why he wants the baby to have his last name and is therefore leaning on old-fashioned arguments like passing on the family name.”
“One solution I’ve seen a few people doing is actually making a new last name that combines the parents’ last names.”
“If yours are already similar, maybe that’s a creative solution that could make you feel both included?”- NightingaleK
Seeing as the OP has yet to be welcomed by her fiancé’s family, it’s easy to see why she doesn’t want her child to bear their name.
That being said, it’s also easy to see why the OP wants to keep some connection to his family and deserves a say in what their child’s name will be.
If there isn’t an easy solution to this problem, one can only hope they both reach a solution that pleases them both.