Being a stepparent isn't always easy.
Aside from winning over the children, there is dealing with the previous parental relationship.
Figuring out how to parent as a unit can be a stressful experience.
Resentment creeps up a lot.
Far too often, kids are caught in the crossfire.
Redditor Afraid_Mammoth_5574 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for laughing at my stepson and ruining his wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For context, I have been married to my husband for just over 20 years. We started dating when my stepkids were 5 and 3."
"Our kids are: Adam (28, stepkid #1), Ben (26, stepkid #2), Charles (20), David (17), and Ellie (13).
"Adam is getting married at the end of summer to his fiancé Alice (27)."
"We have all been very excited for them."
"All of the kids have roles for the wedding, Charles is the best man, the other two boys are groomsmen, and Ellie is a junior bridesmaid."
"Last weekend we had a dinner for my husband's birthday, all of the kids attended along with Alice."
"The topic of the wedding came up again, and this is where it started to go downhill."
"Ellie brought up that she was SO excited to go dress shopping and that we planned to go to a bigger city in a few weeks to get her a dress and me a stepmom of the groom dress."
"At that, Alice looked at Adam sideways and responded that we only needed to worry about one dress, Ellie's."
"Ellie kind of laughed and said, 'What are you expecting mom to wear? A suit?'"
"Alice responded with '(My name) isn't going. You know we are keeping our guest list very limited to only family and a few close friends.'"
"WHAT?"
"Adam and Alice have been to our house numerous times for holidays, and dinners, just to say hi since they've been engaged, this has never been brought up."
"Pretty quickly, things escalated."
"The cliff notes version is that Charles asked them to clarify if they were choosing to uninvite me now or if I was never invited."
"Alice confirmed the latter. Why?"
"Adam said it's because I'm not his mom."
"Charles, David, and Ellie argued with Adam and Alice that none of them were going to go if I wasn't invited."
"That it was cruel to leave me out given I've been his parent for a majority of his life and loved him like my own."
"My husband and I admittedly sat there for a minute just f**king shocked."
"Adam finally turned to my husband and said, 'Well?'"
"My husband told him he wouldn't be going either."
"Adam then turned to me and asked if I was really going to let everyone ruin his wedding on my behalf."
"Here's where I might be the a**hole: I just laughed."
"I don't know what came over me, but the entire thing was just so ridiculous that laughing was the only thing I could get out."
"I told my husband I'd be waiting in the car and left."
"And then promptly bawled my eyes out."
"Anyways, Charles, David, and Ellie are not talking to Adam."
"Adam called my husband yesterday to try and smooth things over."
"He was still adamant that I was not invited and that it was their wedding."
"He also requested I apologize for laughing at him."
"My husband told him tough s**t."
"It's their wedding, and they can invite whoever they want, but they can't control who will actually go."
"He said THEY owe ME an apology and that Adam should be ashamed of himself."
"I'm getting texts now asking WTF I did and why I'm being a 'step-monster and ruining the wedding.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA – You're The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I feel like a lot is missing here."
"You've been married to his dad since he was 8."
"That was years of elementary, middle, high school, and college. 20 years."
"Is his mother living?"
"Did his fiance influence him?"
"Just seems odd not to invite his dad's wife of 20 years and call her not family."
"I don't think you're TA, but I just want to know more about the past 20 years." ~ fancyandfab
"Adam is the A here."
"I love that your husband, children, and younger stepson are supporting you and recognize Adam for the A he is."
"I'm guessing you're a wonderful wife, mother, and stepmother, as clearly you inspire loyalty."
"And laughing was a lot better than saying what Adam deserved to hear, but probably heard better when it came from his father and siblings."
"You're not wrecking the wedding, Adam is."
"I'm so sorry this happened to you, it's very sad. NTA."
"P.S. If Adam had given a reason on the order of, 'You beat me and tormented me emotionally throughout my childhood, and made fun of my teenaged acne. Now I'm in therapy, and I've realized that while I love my family, I need to curtail my relationship with you,' I'd have a different response."
"But that's not the situation here."
"This is the man you help raised since he was very small, and his father's wife, and he doesn't care how much he hurts you to make the point that you're not his bio mom." ~ Nester1953
"Adam hates you and has for a very long time."
"He found someone who he could share his hatred for you with, and baby girl is definitely riding for her man (as she should)."
"Adam knew this would end badly, which is why he and his fiancé waited so late in the game to finally let out their little secret."
"He thought he could leverage the family's love for him over you."
"He wanted to rub it in your face. If they would have agreed, you should not go."
"The joke's on him! NTA." ~ OddMathematician9788
"After reading the comments, NTA."
"Mourn the relationship you thought you had."
"Eat some chocolate."
"Drink a good wine."
"Let hubby deal with the naysayers."
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"Personally, I'd cut the relationship even if stepson came back with an apology and an invite."
"This is behavior you don't come back from."
"Cuz either..."
"A) he's doing it to get everyone off his back and fill his wedding back up to full capacity, considering over a 3rd of the guests are OP's blood family or..."
"B) There is no b. He sucks."
"He got manipulated, or he's been playing a sociopath-level long game with you."
"Major props to hubby, kids, and the fam for being on your side." ~ SuddenlyPineapple1
"NTA, this is not up for debate."
"They were rude and disrespectful towards you by not extending an invitation."
"Then, added insult to injury by playing the victim when everyone got upset by their treatment towards you."
"Your husband responded appropriately."
"Do not allow them to steal your joy!" ~ NobieNeeds2Know
"That is beautiful."
"You obviously love Ben very much and obviously Ben has been loved and cared for by his family and that it speaks to who you are as a mother figure that your children are caring, loyal, and protective of Ben speaks to the important role you have played as a mother and guide."
"Empathy is important in this world."
"NTA Adam sure is!"
(As a side note Adam should be ashamed of himself for causing anyone this much upset just because he wants to be a prick)." ~ zxylady
"Absolutely NTA."
"Assuming you and Adam have gotten along fine until now it's absolutely wild that they wouldn't invite you."
"'Only family and a few close friends' when a stepparent literally counts as family, and the nerve to accuse you of ruining his wedding, I don't blame you for laughing." ~ MoveThePawn
"So your stepson and his fiancé sat in your house, eating your food that I'm guessing you prepared, and told you that you weren't family."
"Barring any issue that hasn't been brought to the surface, he sounds like a little s**t."
"Even if he didn't like you and you have a terrible relationship, you should be invited out of respect for his father."
"I'm impressed by Charles standing up for you, coming from the same exact situation, and knowing your interactions together. "
"It tells me that you were a good mother figure to those boys, and Adam's just an AH." ~ craftymomma111
"I have a mom and a stepmom who is now divorced from my dad for many years."
"She's more of a mother to me than my bio mom and I can't imagine not inviting her under the guise of a small wedding."
"He's going to get whatever karma is coming to him."
"He's old enough to know better."
"That's disgusting behavior." ~ Weissmuller6
"NTA. No context about any underlying issues that may exist with the relationship between you and your stepson, though, that might explain this decision."
"Either way, it was extremely poorly handled by the couple, and I'm glad the rest of the family is on your side, especially your husband." ~ Wonderful_Two_6710
"NTA. It is beyond rude of Adam and Alice not to invite you."
"They have been guests in your home many times, and you are his stepmother, with a good relationship."
"Good for your husband for having your back on this one."
"Bad manners and cruelty have consequences." ~ ElmLane62
"NTA - Kudos to your husband for backing you up."
"Adam and Alice are in the middle of a good FAFO." ~ Yernar125
"Your title is wrong: 'AITA for laughing at my stepson because he ruined his own wedding' is much better."
"I'm stunned, as you must have been."
"But laughing - because it was just so completely ridiculous - was absolutely the best response he could have expected."
"Even if they change the arrangements, they can't fix this."
"Good on the rest of your family for sticking with you. NTA." ~ WatchingTellyNow
"NTA. You didn't ruin anything."
"The bride and groom choosing to exclude you from the wedding torpedoed the wedding plans."
"This was their choice, and they should accept the consequences."
"There is something going on here you are not privy to."
"You say the bride shot the groom a look that suggests this had been decided, and the groom dropped the ball on communicating this to you and his family."
"Do not let anyone make you the bad guy in all of this."
"They made a choice, and they get to live with the fallout." ~ WhereWeretheAdults
"NTA and I know there are a lot of questions people are asking so they can have more context."
"Not sure it matters."
"They like you enough to eat a meal with."
"You're MARRIED to his father."
"So even if he hated you on some level, common decency says you should be invited."
"As for laughing."
"I mean it is that or cry."
"You did both. "
"I think that's a pretty normal reaction."
"And it's a gut reaction not 'oh I think I'll laugh to lighten the mood.'"
"I'm glad your family is supporting you."
"But if I was your husband I'd be taking my son out for a beer, just the two of them, and ask him what the hell is going on." ~ Annual_Version_6250
"It's very worth going to OP's profile and reading her replies to questions, which add a lot of context."
"Since the ex-wife is apparently a narcissist, I think maybe she's holding something over the couple to force this."
"Alice's side-glance and delivery makes me very suspicious of her motives, too."
"NTA for sure." ~ Adorable_Strength319
OP came back with an update...
"Thank you to everyone who responded to my post, most of you were kind and offered good advice. I appreciate it."
"Before I give an update, I just want to answer a few frequently asked questions."
"I am not an affair partner."
"My husband did not cheat on his ex-wife with me. We met about a year after they divorced."
"She was already engaged (not to current stepdad), not that that really matters."
"Ben was at the dinner, he is autistic."
"I went into it more in some of my comments, but he was very upset."
"He doesn't understand what the argument was exactly about, but he was mostly upset at Adam for saying I'm not their parent and then at all the siblings for fighting with each other."
"Anyways, the update."
"The short is: if you guessed it was related to biomom, you were correct."
"I didn't want this to be the case."
"Adam rescheduled with Charles for Monday, citing Easter weekend (fair enough)."
"He also texted my husband to let him know that he and Alice would be doing Easter with her parents (we expected that)."
"At some point on Sunday, Ellie texted Alice."
"I am not sure what exactly was said, but it prompted Alice to spill everything that was going on with her parents."
"I have met them a few times, but they live a few hours away."
"They encouraged her and Adam to reach out to us to clear everything up."
"Monday we dropped Ben off at Biomom's (he stayed an extra night for Easter fun)."
"A few hours later, she began to blow up my husband's phone as Ben mentioned the fight."
"My husband answered one call in which she was screaming and promptly hung up."
"He texted her that the siblings argued, everything is fine, and that if Ben has any further questions, we will talk about when he's back with us."
"From some of the things she texted, we knew she was the root of all of this."
"Monday Adam also met up with Charles, and he did come clean."
"Charles texted us to see if it was OK if they came over after, and we said yes. "
"I'm not going to lie, Adam looked a mess."
"He immediately began crying and apologizing."
"The short and sweet is that he's been trying to mend bridges with bio mom."
"Their wedding isn't 60 people; it's blown up to about double that, and they have been struggling to figure out how to pay for it."
"At one of their visits, Alice let it slip, and bio mom jumped to help pay for things."
"It slowly snowballed from there from small requests to big requests."
"I am not sure what the final nail in the coffin was, but it ended with bio mom requesting I not be there."
"Adam said it was easier to hurt me and risk WW3 with his mom."
"Alice's parents were less than pleased to find out how they've been with the wedding/budget, and even less so at bio mom's antics."
"They are trying to figure out how to start covering the payments bio mom has made (we've decided to help some with this)."
"Adam also asked if we could meet again in a few days with Alice, and we've said yes."
"There is still a lot of ground to cover for this to be close to mended."
"I am still hurt but mostly, I'm angry on behalf of my oldest son."
OP... this is a made-for-TV movie.
This is soap opera-level storytelling.
Biomom is... a lot.
Reddit has your back, OP.
So glad to see that your husband and kids also have your back.
Hopefully, all of this can end well.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp