Being a stepparent isn’t always easy.
Aside from winning over the children, there is dealing with the previous parental relationship.
Figuring out how to parent as a unit can be a stressful experience.
Resentment creeps up a lot.
Far too often, kids are caught in the crossfire.
Redditor Afraid_Mammoth_5574 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for laughing at my stepson and ruining his wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For context, I have been married to my husband for just over 20 years. We started dating when my stepkids were 5 and 3.”
“Our kids are: Adam (28, stepkid #1), Ben (26, stepkid #2), Charles (20), David (17), and Ellie (13).
“Adam is getting married at the end of summer to his fiancé Alice (27).”
“We have all been very excited for them.”
“All of the kids have roles for the wedding, Charles is the best man, the other two boys are groomsmen, and Ellie is a junior bridesmaid.”
“Last weekend we had a dinner for my husband’s birthday, all of the kids attended along with Alice.”
“The topic of the wedding came up again, and this is where it started to go downhill.”
“Ellie brought up that she was SO excited to go dress shopping and that we planned to go to a bigger city in a few weeks to get her a dress and me a stepmom of the groom dress.”
“At that, Alice looked at Adam sideways and responded that we only needed to worry about one dress, Ellie’s.”
“Ellie kind of laughed and said, ‘What are you expecting mom to wear? A suit?'”
“Alice responded with ‘(My name) isn’t going. You know we are keeping our guest list very limited to only family and a few close friends.’”
“WHAT?”
“Adam and Alice have been to our house numerous times for holidays, and dinners, just to say hi since they’ve been engaged, this has never been brought up.”
“Pretty quickly, things escalated.”
“The cliff notes version is that Charles asked them to clarify if they were choosing to uninvite me now or if I was never invited.”
“Alice confirmed the latter. Why?”
“Adam said it’s because I’m not his mom.”
“Charles, David, and Ellie argued with Adam and Alice that none of them were going to go if I wasn’t invited.”
“That it was cruel to leave me out given I’ve been his parent for a majority of his life and loved him like my own.”
“My husband and I admittedly sat there for a minute just f**king shocked.”
“Adam finally turned to my husband and said, ‘Well?’”
“My husband told him he wouldn’t be going either.”
“Adam then turned to me and asked if I was really going to let everyone ruin his wedding on my behalf.”
“Here’s where I might be the a**hole: I just laughed.”
“I don’t know what came over me, but the entire thing was just so ridiculous that laughing was the only thing I could get out.”
“I told my husband I’d be waiting in the car and left.”
“And then promptly bawled my eyes out.”
“Anyways, Charles, David, and Ellie are not talking to Adam.”
“Adam called my husband yesterday to try and smooth things over.”
“He was still adamant that I was not invited and that it was their wedding.”
“He also requested I apologize for laughing at him.”
“My husband told him tough s**t.”
“It’s their wedding, and they can invite whoever they want, but they can’t control who will actually go.”
“He said THEY owe ME an apology and that Adam should be ashamed of himself.”
“I’m getting texts now asking WTF I did and why I’m being a ‘step-monster and ruining the wedding.'”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You’re The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I feel like a lot is missing here.”
“You’ve been married to his dad since he was 8.”
“That was years of elementary, middle, high school, and college. 20 years.”
“Is his mother living?”
“Did his fiance influence him?”
“Just seems odd not to invite his dad’s wife of 20 years and call her not family.”
“I don’t think you’re TA, but I just want to know more about the past 20 years.” ~ fancyandfab
“Adam is the A here.”
“I love that your husband, children, and younger stepson are supporting you and recognize Adam for the A he is.”
“I’m guessing you’re a wonderful wife, mother, and stepmother, as clearly you inspire loyalty.”
“And laughing was a lot better than saying what Adam deserved to hear, but probably heard better when it came from his father and siblings.”
“You’re not wrecking the wedding, Adam is.”
“I’m so sorry this happened to you, it’s very sad. NTA.”
“P.S. If Adam had given a reason on the order of, ‘You beat me and tormented me emotionally throughout my childhood, and made fun of my teenaged acne. Now I’m in therapy, and I’ve realized that while I love my family, I need to curtail my relationship with you,’ I’d have a different response.”
“But that’s not the situation here.”
“This is the man you help raised since he was very small, and his father’s wife, and he doesn’t care how much he hurts you to make the point that you’re not his bio mom.” ~ Nester1953
“Adam hates you and has for a very long time.”
“He found someone who he could share his hatred for you with, and baby girl is definitely riding for her man (as she should).”
“Adam knew this would end badly, which is why he and his fiancé waited so late in the game to finally let out their little secret.”
“He thought he could leverage the family’s love for him over you.”
“He wanted to rub it in your face. If they would have agreed, you should not go.”
“The joke’s on him! NTA.” ~ OddMathematician9788
“After reading the comments, NTA.”
“Mourn the relationship you thought you had.”
“Eat some chocolate.”
“Drink a good wine.”
“Let hubby deal with the naysayers.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Personally, I’d cut the relationship even if stepson came back with an apology and an invite.”
“This is behavior you don’t come back from.”
“Cuz either…”
“A) he’s doing it to get everyone off his back and fill his wedding back up to full capacity, considering over a 3rd of the guests are OP’s blood family or…”
“B) There is no b. He sucks.”
“He got manipulated, or he’s been playing a sociopath-level long game with you.”
“Major props to hubby, kids, and the fam for being on your side.” ~ SuddenlyPineapple1
“NTA, this is not up for debate.”
“They were rude and disrespectful towards you by not extending an invitation.”
“Then, added insult to injury by playing the victim when everyone got upset by their treatment towards you.”
“Your husband responded appropriately.”
“Do not allow them to steal your joy!” ~ NobieNeeds2Know
“That is beautiful.”
“You obviously love Ben very much and obviously Ben has been loved and cared for by his family and that it speaks to who you are as a mother figure that your children are caring, loyal, and protective of Ben speaks to the important role you have played as a mother and guide.”
“Empathy is important in this world.”
“NTA Adam sure is!”
(As a side note Adam should be ashamed of himself for causing anyone this much upset just because he wants to be a prick).” ~ zxylady
“Absolutely NTA.”
“Assuming you and Adam have gotten along fine until now it’s absolutely wild that they wouldn’t invite you.”
“’Only family and a few close friends’ when a stepparent literally counts as family, and the nerve to accuse you of ruining his wedding, I don’t blame you for laughing.” ~ MoveThePawn
“So your stepson and his fiancé sat in your house, eating your food that I’m guessing you prepared, and told you that you weren’t family.”
“Barring any issue that hasn’t been brought to the surface, he sounds like a little s**t.”
“Even if he didn’t like you and you have a terrible relationship, you should be invited out of respect for his father.”
“I’m impressed by Charles standing up for you, coming from the same exact situation, and knowing your interactions together. “
“It tells me that you were a good mother figure to those boys, and Adam’s just an AH.” ~ craftymomma111
“I have a mom and a stepmom who is now divorced from my dad for many years.”
“She’s more of a mother to me than my bio mom and I can’t imagine not inviting her under the guise of a small wedding.”
“He’s going to get whatever karma is coming to him.”
“He’s old enough to know better.”
“That’s disgusting behavior.” ~ Weissmuller6
“NTA. No context about any underlying issues that may exist with the relationship between you and your stepson, though, that might explain this decision.”
“Either way, it was extremely poorly handled by the couple, and I’m glad the rest of the family is on your side, especially your husband.” ~ Wonderful_Two_6710
“NTA. It is beyond rude of Adam and Alice not to invite you.”
“They have been guests in your home many times, and you are his stepmother, with a good relationship.”
“Good for your husband for having your back on this one.”
“Bad manners and cruelty have consequences.” ~ ElmLane62
“NTA – Kudos to your husband for backing you up.”
“Adam and Alice are in the middle of a good FAFO.” ~ Yernar125
“Your title is wrong: ‘AITA for laughing at my stepson because he ruined his own wedding’ is much better.”
“I’m stunned, as you must have been.”
“But laughing – because it was just so completely ridiculous – was absolutely the best response he could have expected.”
“Even if they change the arrangements, they can’t fix this.”
“Good on the rest of your family for sticking with you. NTA.” ~ WatchingTellyNow
“NTA. You didn’t ruin anything.”
“The bride and groom choosing to exclude you from the wedding torpedoed the wedding plans.”
“This was their choice, and they should accept the consequences.”
“There is something going on here you are not privy to.”
“You say the bride shot the groom a look that suggests this had been decided, and the groom dropped the ball on communicating this to you and his family.”
“Do not let anyone make you the bad guy in all of this.”
“They made a choice, and they get to live with the fallout.” ~ WhereWeretheAdults
“NTA and I know there are a lot of questions people are asking so they can have more context.”
“Not sure it matters.”
“They like you enough to eat a meal with.”
“You’re MARRIED to his father.”
“So even if he hated you on some level, common decency says you should be invited.”
“As for laughing.”
“I mean it is that or cry.”
“You did both. “
“I think that’s a pretty normal reaction.”
“And it’s a gut reaction not ‘oh I think I’ll laugh to lighten the mood.'”
“I’m glad your family is supporting you.”
“But if I was your husband I’d be taking my son out for a beer, just the two of them, and ask him what the hell is going on.” ~ Annual_Version_6250
“It’s very worth going to OP’s profile and reading her replies to questions, which add a lot of context.”
“Since the ex-wife is apparently a narcissist, I think maybe she’s holding something over the couple to force this.”
“Alice’s side-glance and delivery makes me very suspicious of her motives, too.”
“NTA for sure.” ~ Adorable_Strength319
OP came back with an update…
“Thank you to everyone who responded to my post, most of you were kind and offered good advice. I appreciate it.”
“Before I give an update, I just want to answer a few frequently asked questions.”
“I am not an affair partner.”
“My husband did not cheat on his ex-wife with me. We met about a year after they divorced.”
“She was already engaged (not to current stepdad), not that that really matters.”
“Ben was at the dinner, he is autistic.”
“I went into it more in some of my comments, but he was very upset.”
“He doesn’t understand what the argument was exactly about, but he was mostly upset at Adam for saying I’m not their parent and then at all the siblings for fighting with each other.”
“Anyways, the update.”
“The short is: if you guessed it was related to biomom, you were correct.”
“I didn’t want this to be the case.”
“Adam rescheduled with Charles for Monday, citing Easter weekend (fair enough).”
“He also texted my husband to let him know that he and Alice would be doing Easter with her parents (we expected that).”
“At some point on Sunday, Ellie texted Alice.”
“I am not sure what exactly was said, but it prompted Alice to spill everything that was going on with her parents.”
“I have met them a few times, but they live a few hours away.”
“They encouraged her and Adam to reach out to us to clear everything up.”
“Monday we dropped Ben off at Biomom’s (he stayed an extra night for Easter fun).”
“A few hours later, she began to blow up my husband’s phone as Ben mentioned the fight.”
“My husband answered one call in which she was screaming and promptly hung up.”
“He texted her that the siblings argued, everything is fine, and that if Ben has any further questions, we will talk about when he’s back with us.”
“From some of the things she texted, we knew she was the root of all of this.”
“Monday Adam also met up with Charles, and he did come clean.”
“Charles texted us to see if it was OK if they came over after, and we said yes. “
“I’m not going to lie, Adam looked a mess.”
“He immediately began crying and apologizing.”
“The short and sweet is that he’s been trying to mend bridges with bio mom.”
“Their wedding isn’t 60 people; it’s blown up to about double that, and they have been struggling to figure out how to pay for it.”
“At one of their visits, Alice let it slip, and bio mom jumped to help pay for things.”
“It slowly snowballed from there from small requests to big requests.”
“I am not sure what the final nail in the coffin was, but it ended with bio mom requesting I not be there.”
“Adam said it was easier to hurt me and risk WW3 with his mom.”
“Alice’s parents were less than pleased to find out how they’ve been with the wedding/budget, and even less so at bio mom’s antics.”
“They are trying to figure out how to start covering the payments bio mom has made (we’ve decided to help some with this).”
“Adam also asked if we could meet again in a few days with Alice, and we’ve said yes.”
“There is still a lot of ground to cover for this to be close to mended.”
“I am still hurt but mostly, I’m angry on behalf of my oldest son.”
OP… this is a made-for-TV movie.
This is soap opera-level storytelling.
Biomom is… a lot.
Reddit has your back, OP.
So glad to see that your husband and kids also have your back.
Hopefully, all of this can end well.
Good luck.