It's very easy to judge.
As much as many of us may try to deny it, we've all likely passed judgment on someone for a decision they made.
Most people are wise enough to keep their judgment to themselves.
Others, however, simply don't have the wisdom to keep their mouth shut.
Redditor Kittencough22 recently transferred schools following a family tragedy.
Upon transferring, it looked like the original poster (OP) made a fast friend.
However, they quickly began to seriously reconsider just how good a friend she was, after being called "heartless" by them.
Leading the OP to avoid spending time with her at all costs.
Having doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA I keep dodging my friend because she says my dads death was preventable?"
The OP explained why they felt inclined to put an end to a friendship after it had barely begun:
"For some background, we didn't know that my father was sick."
"He had been having some gas issues and his doctor put him on new medication so my family just assumed that was why he was having stomach aches."
"One day out of the blue my dad was having a really bad stomach ache so we rushed him to urgent care."
"We thought that they would just give him so gas medicine and that he would come home with us."
"He never came out of the hospital."
"The doctors tried giving him surgery but it was unsuccessful."
"We found out he had cancer all over his body and he was hooked up to about 12-14 machines trying to keep him alive."
"My mother stayed with him and we decided to take him off the machines because the doctors said he was too far gone to save anymore."
"That he was in pain being alive."
"After he passed away I transferred colleges and started my first semester."
"I met a girl who I thought was my friend and when she asked about my family it came out that my dad passed away."
"She immediately asks what happened and the first thing that comes out of her mouth after I tell her what happened is 'wow, you don't even seem sad'."
"And 'if I ever lost my dad I don't know what I'd do'."
"She also starts asking me about the details of my dad's death."
"Specifically about the part of us having to let him go and says this 'don't you think you could have saved him?'"
"'It feels like you just gave up on him'."
"And "'he probably could have woken up if you gave him time'."
"LIKE WHAT?"
"I even told her that the doctors said that all his organs shut down and she still insisted my family was heartless to take him off the machines and we could have saved him."
"If there was any way to bring back my father I'd do it in a heartbeat."
"I miss him and think about him everyday."
"The fact she accused me of first 'not caring' and then saying that he could have been saved was absolutely baffling."
"Here's where I might be the a**hole."
"I was completely appalled and I haven't spoken to her since."
"She keeps asking me to go out to parties with her and I keep dodging her."
"I feel like a complete a**hole avoiding her and I think she's getting upset I keep dodging her."
"Also, I forgot to mention that she might have been saying this because of a religious thing?"
"She just came here this semester from another country and I forgot to mention in my previous post she said that taking him off the machines and ventilator was 'playing god'."
"I personally don't believe this because he was able to breathe for about an hour before taking his last breath and passing without any help."
"So Reddit, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the. OP was not the a**hole for ignoring their friend.
Everyone agreed that this friend's behavior was mean and insensitive, even if some questioned whether the OP's decision to ignore her completely was the best idea:
"NTA."
"But in a way I can see where she's coming from because she's still alive and she's brain dead."
"I'm very sorry for your loss."- Katana_x
"NTA."
"That's not a friend."
"That's a self-centered twit who has no idea what it's like to lose a loved one, to say nothing of the wrenching complexity of end-of-life decisions."
"Find other friends, because that person is not good friend material."
"It's not just about your dad, because that insensitive, clueless attitude will apply to your relationship, too."- Ippus_21
"Just tell her."
"She'll probably be defensive but that's not your problem, you can block her after."
"And she'll start avoiding you."
"People don't learn to not be horrible a**holes if no one calls them out on it."
"NTA but talk to her instead of ghosting."- RefrigeratorObserver
"NTA."
"Though how the hell did you not slap the taste our of her mouth?"
"Like, that's the kind of sh*t that would get you asked kicked."
"She must be stupid, stupid."- TheRealRedParadox
"NTA."
"But stop dodging her and just tell her you don't want to be her friend."
"'Look, I don't want to go out and do stuff with you ok? What you said about my dad was insensitive to say the least and I don't have time or energy to deal with it'."
"'I don't want to be your friend'."
"No room for discussion."
"Just say something along those lines and be done."
"Don't answer questions, don't argue, don't create drama."
"Just tell her how it is and leave."
"if people come to you asking or bitching about it just say 'She said some heartless things about my dad and I don't want to deal with her'."
"You don't owe anyone anymore explanation than that."
"Anything more than that just feeds the drama machine."- Demented-Alpaca
"I want to know her logic behind taking your dad off of all of the machines is somehow 'playing God'."
"I consider myself religious, but last time I checked God didn't invent all of those machines, people did."
"If her argument is that you shouldn't play God, then she would have been against your dad being on life support in the first place."
"She sounds like she just wanted to start sh*t."
"I'm so sorry for your loss OP, NTA."- Specialist_Badger934
"NTA, that girl is not your friend. Friends don't say sh*t like that."
"I'd tell her why you don't want to spend time with her instead of ghosting her so maybe she stops being an @ss, but I do think ghosting is valid if you just don't have the bandwidth to deal with her right now."
"I'm so so sorry for your loss, and I really hope you don't pay her any mind, she doesn't know what she's talking about."- dracomalfouri
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment and share how they proceeded in dealing with this friend:
"First of all thank you all for the well wishes and for sharing your own stories."
"It felt very nice to have all of your support, and I know your loved ones were lucky to have you."
"Onto the story, so instead of telling her outright that her words have lived rent-free in my head (I found that if she's malicious, she'd enjoy knowing she got to me)."
"So I took a different approach."
"I heard a comment speak about grey rocking in the comments, and I thought I could use that."
"So, when she sat next to me in class, I ignored her."
"When the Professor put us in a group together, I spoke one word to her and only showed her what I was doing by letting her see my computer screen."
"Afterwards, she told me she was going to the cafeteria after she saw me ordering food on my phone."
"I told her I was going home and proceeded to walk to the cafeteria with her nearby."
"She seemed as upset and confused as I was when she spoke about my dad."
"Thank you for all the advice given, as well as the copious amounts of love and support from all of you."
If the OP's friend thinks she would have handled things differently, that's her opinion, and nothing can change that.
Bluntly sharing that she shared it with the OP, however, was an unnecessary and unwise decision.
Particularly in the OP's vulnerable, grieving state.
However, if this friend asks the OP why they are giving her the cold shoulder, honesty would definitely be the best policy.
As that's the only way she will likely learn a lesson.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp