It’s very easy to judge.
As much as many of us may try to deny it, we’ve all likely passed judgment on someone for a decision they made.
Most people are wise enough to keep their judgment to themselves.
Others, however, simply don’t have the wisdom to keep their mouth shut.
Redditor Kittencough22 recently transferred schools following a family tragedy.
Upon transferring, it looked like the original poster (OP) made a fast friend.
However, they quickly began to seriously reconsider just how good a friend she was, after being called “heartless” by them.
Leading the OP to avoid spending time with her at all costs.
Having doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA I keep dodging my friend because she says my dads death was preventable?”
The OP explained why they felt inclined to put an end to a friendship after it had barely begun:
“For some background, we didn’t know that my father was sick.”
“He had been having some gas issues and his doctor put him on new medication so my family just assumed that was why he was having stomach aches.”
“One day out of the blue my dad was having a really bad stomach ache so we rushed him to urgent care.”
“We thought that they would just give him so gas medicine and that he would come home with us.”
“He never came out of the hospital.”
“The doctors tried giving him surgery but it was unsuccessful.”
“We found out he had cancer all over his body and he was hooked up to about 12-14 machines trying to keep him alive.”
“My mother stayed with him and we decided to take him off the machines because the doctors said he was too far gone to save anymore.”
“That he was in pain being alive.”
“After he passed away I transferred colleges and started my first semester.”
“I met a girl who I thought was my friend and when she asked about my family it came out that my dad passed away.”
“She immediately asks what happened and the first thing that comes out of her mouth after I tell her what happened is ‘wow, you don’t even seem sad’.”
“And ‘if I ever lost my dad I don’t know what I’d do’.”
“She also starts asking me about the details of my dad’s death.”
“Specifically about the part of us having to let him go and says this ‘don’t you think you could have saved him?'”
“‘It feels like you just gave up on him’.”
“And “’he probably could have woken up if you gave him time’.”
“LIKE WHAT?”
“I even told her that the doctors said that all his organs shut down and she still insisted my family was heartless to take him off the machines and we could have saved him.”
“If there was any way to bring back my father I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
“I miss him and think about him everyday.”
“The fact she accused me of first ‘not caring’ and then saying that he could have been saved was absolutely baffling.”
“Here’s where I might be the a**hole.”
“I was completely appalled and I haven’t spoken to her since.”
“She keeps asking me to go out to parties with her and I keep dodging her.”
“I feel like a complete a**hole avoiding her and I think she’s getting upset I keep dodging her.”
“Also, I forgot to mention that she might have been saying this because of a religious thing?”
“She just came here this semester from another country and I forgot to mention in my previous post she said that taking him off the machines and ventilator was ‘playing god’.”
“I personally don’t believe this because he was able to breathe for about an hour before taking his last breath and passing without any help.”
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the. OP was not the a**hole for ignoring their friend.
Everyone agreed that this friend’s behavior was mean and insensitive, even if some questioned whether the OP’s decision to ignore her completely was the best idea:
“NTA.”
“But in a way I can see where she’s coming from because she’s still alive and she’s brain dead.”
“I’m very sorry for your loss.”- Katana_x
“NTA.”
“That’s not a friend.”
“That’s a self-centered twit who has no idea what it’s like to lose a loved one, to say nothing of the wrenching complexity of end-of-life decisions.”
“Find other friends, because that person is not good friend material.”
“It’s not just about your dad, because that insensitive, clueless attitude will apply to your relationship, too.”- Ippus_21
“Just tell her.”
“She’ll probably be defensive but that’s not your problem, you can block her after.”
“And she’ll start avoiding you.”
“People don’t learn to not be horrible a**holes if no one calls them out on it.”
“NTA but talk to her instead of ghosting.”- RefrigeratorObserver
“NTA.”
“Though how the hell did you not slap the taste our of her mouth?”
“Like, that’s the kind of sh*t that would get you asked kicked.”
“She must be stupid, stupid.”- TheRealRedParadox
“NTA.”
“But stop dodging her and just tell her you don’t want to be her friend.”
“‘Look, I don’t want to go out and do stuff with you ok? What you said about my dad was insensitive to say the least and I don’t have time or energy to deal with it’.”
“‘I don’t want to be your friend’.”
“No room for discussion.”
“Just say something along those lines and be done.”
“Don’t answer questions, don’t argue, don’t create drama.”
“Just tell her how it is and leave.”
“if people come to you asking or bitching about it just say ‘She said some heartless things about my dad and I don’t want to deal with her’.”
“You don’t owe anyone anymore explanation than that.”
“Anything more than that just feeds the drama machine.”- Demented-Alpaca
“I want to know her logic behind taking your dad off of all of the machines is somehow ‘playing God’.”
“I consider myself religious, but last time I checked God didn’t invent all of those machines, people did.”
“If her argument is that you shouldn’t play God, then she would have been against your dad being on life support in the first place.”
“She sounds like she just wanted to start sh*t.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss OP, NTA.”- Specialist_Badger934
“NTA, that girl is not your friend. Friends don’t say sh*t like that.”
“I’d tell her why you don’t want to spend time with her instead of ghosting her so maybe she stops being an @ss, but I do think ghosting is valid if you just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her right now.”
“I’m so so sorry for your loss, and I really hope you don’t pay her any mind, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”- dracomalfouri
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment and share how they proceeded in dealing with this friend:
“First of all thank you all for the well wishes and for sharing your own stories.”
“It felt very nice to have all of your support, and I know your loved ones were lucky to have you.”
“Onto the story, so instead of telling her outright that her words have lived rent-free in my head (I found that if she’s malicious, she’d enjoy knowing she got to me).”
“So I took a different approach.”
“I heard a comment speak about grey rocking in the comments, and I thought I could use that.”
“So, when she sat next to me in class, I ignored her.”
“When the Professor put us in a group together, I spoke one word to her and only showed her what I was doing by letting her see my computer screen.”
“Afterwards, she told me she was going to the cafeteria after she saw me ordering food on my phone.”
“I told her I was going home and proceeded to walk to the cafeteria with her nearby.”
“She seemed as upset and confused as I was when she spoke about my dad.”
“Thank you for all the advice given, as well as the copious amounts of love and support from all of you.”
If the OP’s friend thinks she would have handled things differently, that’s her opinion, and nothing can change that.
Bluntly sharing that she shared it with the OP, however, was an unnecessary and unwise decision.
Particularly in the OP’s vulnerable, grieving state.
However, if this friend asks the OP why they are giving her the cold shoulder, honesty would definitely be the best policy.
As that’s the only way she will likely learn a lesson.