By nature, weddings have a lot of moving parts and require a lot of planning.
But because wedding planning can get so complicated, one person’s plans could impact someone else’s, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor itsnothervenue was looking forward to her wedding in the next year and had recently booked her wedding venue.
But when her stepsister accused her of stealing her dream location, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to say to her to comfort her.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my stepsister she can’t afford her dream wedding venue after she accused me of stealing it?”
The OP had recently chosen her wedding venue.
“I (25 Female) am getting married next year. I am six months into the planning.”
“I picked the venue pretty early on, and it happens to be the same venue that my stepsister (27 Female) has always dreamed of getting married.”
“When I announced to the family that it was all finalized, Lucy (my stepsister) flew off the handle.”
“She said I was a sneaky AH for picking that venue when I knew she had always said that was her ideal wedding venue.”
The OP was surprised by her stepsister’s reaction.
“I understand her disappointment, but this reaction is, in my opinion, over the top for two reasons.”
“The venue is very famous. I’m not the first or last person to get married there. It’s a cultural landmark with a rich history that has played host to weddings for centuries.”
“I also love the location, I have for over a decade. Nothing is stopping Lucy from getting married there someday if she so wishes.”
“Also, the cost of a wedding at this venue is astronomical. My fiancé and I are aware that between my dad’s family and his, we are signing up for a certain type of event, and we’re fine with that, but I can admit the cost is eye-watering.”
“(I will not be giving the exact number but when I contacted the wedding planner and asked if we’d be able to get the venue for 100k, she laughed at me and said the venue would not return our call for that price.)”
“I know that Lucy always said, ‘if she could pick anywhere in the world,’ she’d get married there, but very few people have the pick of the whole world for their venue.”
The moment escalated into an argument.
“So, Lucy was shouting at me, saying I was copying her wedding idea.”
“I tried apologizing, I tried to tell her that just because I’m getting married first it doesn’t mean that when she gets married she can’t do it there.”
“I even offered to trim the guest list from her dad’s side so that if she ever did get married there, there would be next to no guest overlap.”
“Nothing worked, there were tears, and she was calling me a snake and a backstabber.”
“Eventually, I just got annoyed and was like, ‘What was I supposed to do? Not pick the venue I wanted just in case you one day have a million-dollar wedding? Lucy, be serious.'”
The family was divided over the incident.
“Our parents are saying I went for the throat with what I said and I should apologize.”
“I think that as much as I am sensitive to the fact that she might feel a bit annoyed, she has the rest of her life to get married there or anywhere else if she wants, and she needs to let it go.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the OP using the venue wasn’t stopping her stepsister from using it, too.
“NTA. My brother and his wife used the same venue I did. I couldn’t care less.” – Pappada**hole
“NTA. So you’re supposed to cancel your venue so she can have her imaginary wedding there? H**l, no. Don’t cancel, don’t trim. Don’t compromise. Don’t do anything to ‘keep the peace.'”
“She’s completely unreasonable. Just do what you’re doing and don’t apologize anymore. Do not engage, discuss, or argue with her.”
“Just say, ‘It’s done. If this isn’t something you approve of, that is your choice.'”
“Don’t soothe her feelings by including her in the bridal party unless you intend to invite her in the first place. Remember. She is not the bride here. She is not the main character. That is you and your fiancé.”
“If she threatens not to come, tell her it’s her choice. If she drags the family into it, keep calm and do the same. They can come or not, but they cannot change your plans to accommodate her.” – FuzzyMom2005
“NTA.”
“She doesn’t have lifetime ‘dibs’ on a location for weddings. You ARE getting married soon and you CAN afford that location and you should be able to have your dream wedding just as much as she should be able to.”
“I wouldn’t have offered to trim anything, including the guest list.”
“What you said wasn’t very nice; however, she needed to be reigned in and told that throwing a childish tantrum like that wasn’t on.” – MissSuzieSunshine
“NTA. If she’s your family she should be happy that you’ve picked a nice venue, even if it is her dream wedding. She reacted out of jealousy and I don’t see why you can’t both have weddings at the venue.”
“At the end of the day, you’re the one getting married, and you shouldn’t have to not have your dream wedding to please her. If she can’t deal with that then it’s her loss.”
“Maybe that last bit was a little out of pocket, but she had it coming.” – Repcheque
“Wait, is Lucy even in a relationship? I went into this thinking you were both planning a wedding and they would be within a year of each other or something. I’d still say NTA but I’d at least understand her being upset.”
“But she’s mad at you for using a popular wedding venue she might maybe possibly potentially someday use? No no no, NTA for booking the venue, and NTA for the comment about the very real, very expensive cost.”
“You tried to be gentle about it and when she wouldn’t stop, you came in with a reality check. She’s being ridiculous and unreasonable. I wouldn’t apologize.” – thaliagorgon
“Sounds to me like she realizes that her chances of getting that venue are pretty slim and seeing you use it when she knows she likely won’t be is making her angry.”
“But ultimately, that’s her problem, not yours. NTA.” – Murda981
Others were critical of the OP’s money comment and how she communicated with her stepsister.
“YTA, you threw your dad’s ability to pay in her face, it doesn’t sound like you are paying, but instead getting the parents to pay, and that’s okay, but you are flaunting other people’s wealth.”
“But NTA for choosing the venue you want, if one day she gets married, there is nothing to stop her from getting married at the same venue. Perhaps a kinder way of saying it is ‘ I am getting married on x date’ and leave it at that.”
“Just because that’s her dream wedding location doesn’t mean she gets to stop others from getting married there. Don’t argue with her about it. Is she even engaged?” – newprairiegirl
“Why mention the cost? I was with you on the venue part, but you one-upped your own stepsister over money. Distasteful display of financial flexing. YTA.” – gyllyupthehill
“NTA for wanting a wedding there. Anyone can have a wedding anywhere.”
“But YTA YTA YTA for that godawful comment about her being able to afford it. That s**t cuts deep and you know it. You went for the jab to try and hurt her. Shame on you.” – soutu2
“YTA since everyone is entitled to use the venue, but if she has really been dreaming about this spot for years, why would you steal it from her? You then go on to shame her by calling her poor and not being realistic that only rich people like you will be able to use the venue.” – CoolWh1teGuy
“NTA for the venue; lots of people have weddings in the same venue, and it can be dressed to their tastes if they choose to use the same venue for their wedding.”
“For years, people got married at the same local church, whole families would be married there, all of their friends, and then the function would be in their local church hall or community hall.”
“People need to stop getting so bothered by being so different, shouldn’t it be about getting married and sharing it with your family? If so then having the same venue doesn’t matter.”
“As for telling her that she cannot afford it, I would say that was a low blow. I personally say YTA with this part as it didn’t need to be said.” – Toebean-sniffer-26
“I don’t think you’re the AH based on getting and keeping the venue. However, I think a conversation with your stepsister before you pulled the trigger on the venue could have gone a long way.”
“The anger your stepsister is showing is likely from feeling blindsided by the news especially if you did know that’s her dream venue. And then you throw it in her face that she will never afford it which is sh*tty.”
“Again, NTA for using the venue, but YTA for poor communication skills.” – OriginalWait14
The subReddit was happy to reassure the OP that it was okay to book the wedding venue, even if her stepsister dreamed of booking it because realistically, they both could use it!
But the subReddit was more divided beyond that point with how the two stepsisters handled themselves. The stepsister had no right to gatekeep the venue, and her name-calling was totally unnecessary, but the OP had given her stepsister a low blow, and she surely knew it.