Certain aspects in life have dress codes, like workplaces or schools.
But in our own free time, usually there isn't one.
People usually dress for comfort or for the occasion, but what if one partner dresses up while the other dresses down?
A woman in conflict with her partner on the dress code for running errands with her significant other turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Head-Ad-5624 asked:
"AITA for wanting to wear pajamas/baggy clothes while going out in public with my boyfriend?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So for context, me (20, female) and my boyfriend (20, male) were going out to a shopping center about a week ago. This area is popular and it's always decorated beautifully festive for the holidays."
Maybe this is just me acting like a bum, but I thought it would be cute to wear those red flannel/plaid (idk what to call it) pajama pants with a regular black hoodie. Something about it being Christmas made it seem charming."
"I ask him what he thought of the outfit, and he immediately said 'no'. I was a bit surprised."
"This wasn't a date."
"We were out running errands and he wasn't dressed up."
"He says he believes pajamas are only to be worn in the house, and to wear them in public tells the world 'I have no self respect'. I was surprised again and told him I've got self respect, and just thought it'd look cute."
"He then says it'd be disrespectful to him if I wore them out while with him, which I tried to understand from his perspective. I ended up switching to a more acceptable option: gray sweatpants."
"Fast forward to last night. We were already upset sharing our feelings about a different topic, and eventually he brings up the pajamas again."
"I still cannot believe we're talking about the pajamas so I am completely stunned and ask something along the lines of 'are we seriously still talking about that outfit I wanted to wear?'."
"Then he tells me about how it's not just that outfit and that many of my clothes are baggy and too big for me and how I look completely dwarfed by my clothes when they don't fit my form."
"Lots of my casual clothes are t-shirts that are too big for me—they're M, I'm XS-S and even the ones in my size look big bc I'm a small girl—and some color of sweatpants."
"I never thought anything bad about my baggy clothes until this conversation."
"He says he knows I have better, really cute and well-fitting outfits, so it comes off as lazy and me not caring about what I look like when I leave in bigger clothes."
"Some quotes from him last night: 'I want to show you off and be proud to be next to you but it's hard when you don't put any effort into your appearance' and 'I want you to look good if not for yourself then for me'."
"I understand why he didn't want me to wear pjs in public and I respect it, but he also just called out like 50% of my wardrobe. When I don't wear those clothes, I have dressed in a skirt, jeans, joggers, and some slacks."
"But like 75% of my regular shirts don't hug my body at all."
"We've been together over 4 years. I've always worn generally looser clothes and he's never brought this up before."
"Yes, I am American and he is too, but he lived in Europe/Middle East for a long time as a kid."
"I love this man. I want for him to feel comfortable being seen with me. It's just that this hurt my feelings, mostly because I didn't know he felt this way about my casual wear."
"Am I just being insensitive or lazy? AITA?"
The OP summed up their predicament.
"I wear casual clothes like sweatpants and t-shirts out with my boyfriend."
"My boyfriend said it's disrespectful to him when I go out in public with him without putting any effort into my appearance."
"Now I'm worried that I've been being lazy and disregarding his perspective and feelings."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were all over the place in their responses, with some saying OP was the a**hole (YTA)...
"YTA—wearing pj's in public is not a good look, and says a lot about a person's character."
"The truth is the clothes you wear communicates a lot about you as an individual."
"A person who spends a lot of time in public in their pyjamas does not paint the picture of someone who has their sh*t together." ~ Stubborn_Dog
"Personally, I think you are not compatible with your boyfriend. Seems like you both grew up in very different class levels. I'm sure he wasn't too thrilled that you picked track pants as the alternative either."
"Where I grew up you literally never wore pajamas or track pants out of the house, not even in school. College kids who lived in dorms were the only ones who would pull that crap and many who saw that didn't approve of it."
"I wouldn't be where I am today if I dressed sloppy. Many opportunities will never present themselves when you tell the world 'I don't give a damn about how I look!'."
"So personally, I think YTA."
"Also, him saying 'I want to show you off' is really more of a desperate attempt to get you to try and see that taking pride in your appearance is a good thing as I don't think your parents raised you to value such things." ~ Able_Dream_8125
...and some voting OP was not the a**hole (NTA)...
"NTA. Initially I was going to say N A H, because I know a lot of people who are appalled at the idea of going out in public in loungewear."
"I WAS one of those people until I stopped caring about my appearance, although even today I would say it's not cute to wear pjs in public."
"He's allowed to say 'no' to your idea if he didn't like it. But everything else…. He wants you to look good for HIM if not for yourself? Gross." ~ NyxOrTreat
"NTA. My husband has never policed what I wear and neither have I to him. I tend to overdress at times where he's a minimalist and only puts in the effort for special occasions."
"We love each other for who we are. You are young so you may not know but this is a 🚩. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable as long as you know when to dress for the occasion."
"I believe that you do. His comment of 'I just want to show you off' rubs me the wrong way."
"You're more than your looks. You are a whole person, not just eye candy for him to show off. Maybe he's not the one for you if he desires a woman dressed to the nines every time she leaves the house."
"Leaving the house comfortable is practical in a lot of situations, especially as you get older. There's also a difference between comfortable and unkempt! And what you suggested isn't unkempt, lazy, dirty, etc..."
"He's suggesting that you embarrass him and I don't like that. He should love you and stand by your side regardless of what you're wearing." ~ Desperate_Age6592
"I grew up with the whole 'pajamas are for inside only' mentality and it took a long time for me to grow out of it. It's never been a reason to dictate what my wife wears and I never told her I wanted to show her off so she had to dress up."
"WTH is that?"
"OP, you're not being lazy and you don't have to be 'on' all the time either. If it's something chill then be chill and comfortable."
"I trust you can dress for the occasion. Totally NTA." ~ losttempo
...and others deciding everyone sucked (ESH)...
"ESH there's a stigma where I am attached to wearing pyjamas in public—literally, schools have sent messages to parents asking them to stop walking their kids into school in their pyjamas."
"So I'd always advise against it."
"On the other hand he's definitely being an AH about the rest of your wardrobe." ~ HollyGoLately
"ESH."
"Him: He wants you looking sexy and on point at all times so he can show you off like a trophy. Misogynistic and objectifying. Dump him."
"You: Wearing PJs in public when your older than 8 is tacky as hell. Have some self respect." ~ KronkLaSworda
ESH. I'll get to the PJs issue later, but regarding his comments on your general clothes."
"I can see why he might be frustrated if he typically puts in more effort to dress nicely himself. But then, he should just find someone more compatible with him, not try to control what you wear."
"You, wearing PJs outside as an adult is not cute." ~ Embarrassed-Panic-37
...while others saw no a**holes (NAH).
"NAH. If he is putting effort into looking good while out and you are not, I can see his frustration."
"But you of course don't have to dress for any man. If this is incompatible then that's the way it is." ~ zukolover96
"NAH. Wear whatever you want when you go out in public, but keep in mind that not everyone thinks pajamas look cute in public. In fact I bet that most people think they look silly." ~ New_Sun6390
"NAH. You two just have a fundamental disagreement about public appearances. Neither of you is completely wrong; the next step is deciding how and if you can compromise on it."
"Also, tightness of clothing is not indicative of class or expense. PJs aside, I'm wondering why he's so focused on clothes being form-fitting, especially if that's just not how you prefer to dress." ~ peachpinkjedi
It seems pajamas in public is a hot button issue for people.
Who knew?
With Reddit so divided, it's hard to know if the OP really got a clear answer. They'll just have to use their own best judgment.
What do you think? Let us know in the comments.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.