Fashion is arguably one of the most versatile ways for people to express themselves.
There are, however, certain events and places where attendees are expected to adhere to social norms and expectations out of respect for those being honored despite the temporary hindrance it may place on their style.
Such events include weddings and funerals.
A person on Reddit sought feedback from “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit after kicking their sister out of their dad’s funeral because she refused to change out of her “emo outfit.”
Redditor FlightComfortable731 asked:
“AITA for kicking out my sister for her emo outfit and telling her she can go to the funeral when she wears respectable clothes?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Last weekend was my dads funeral. I planned it since my mom has been a reck.”
“My mom and my sister are not close. I am also not close to her and I think she is a d*ck. So I am probably bias.”
“My sister dresses in the emo style.”
“So skulls, collars, lots of blacks and reds, heavy makeup and so on.”
“I truly don’t care most of the time, she can wear what she wants.”
“This is a issue at important events, my wedding she did this even after she agreed to tone it down.”
“She is always going full out with her outfits. I don’t understand why she won’t ever tone it down.”
“For the funeral she came in wearing a short skirt, band teashirt, heavy makeup, fishnets and jewelry (collar thing and skulls).”
“I was very upset that she couldnt dress appropriately for a funeral and I told her to leave.”
“She got p*ssed and told her go home and put on a respectable outfit.”
“She stayed until my mom told her to get the f**k out since she can’t dress appropriately.”
“She left and didn’t come back.”
“A lot of people who say her outfit agree she was out of line for a funeral.”
“My sister has been calling me a jerk, and some people are saying I went to far.”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA, a miniskirt and fishnets is not even in the realm of appropriate for a funeral.”
“It would be much different if she’d worn a black dress with some jewelry in her style.”
“But at 26, she should know that this was tone deaf at best and attention seeking at worst.”
“Though the added context that she didn’t even bother coming to see your father on his deathbed is what pushed this into you not being the a**hole for me.”
“Yes, everybody grieves different. But you weren’t dictating her grief process the way a lot of these comments seem to believe, just trying to make the funeral a respectful atmosphere for the sake of your mother.” – jayphrax
“NTA.”
“This is one of those situations where there’s a divide based on demographics, most likely age.”
“There are times, places, and standards where different clothes are expected or required.”
“Funerals, weddings, work, job interviews, etc.”
“You didn’t want her to not be who she is or anything like that. You wanted her to be REASONABLE.”
“It is perfectly possible to be goth/emo/extra and still within range for a funeral.”
“Hell, it would have been EASY for her to do it. It’s literally just all black.”
“She KNEW she was expected to dress formally and chose to ignore that.”
“My Chemical Romance’s Helena MV is a good example of that. What she was wearing sounds closer to club wear.”
“You can dress/do what you want, but if you choose to step outside what a known/stated standard is, you aren’t free from consequences, whether that’s not getting a job or irritation/judgment from family.”
“And, saying that it doesn’t affect you also isn’t true.”
“Because her outfit was LOUD.”
“It was, likely intentionally, meant to attract attention. Which means that instead of focusing on speeches or on your dad, people were likely glancing at her or coming up to you and asking about her as you are the host/older sibling.”
“You were already dealing with a lot, so adding the fact that she couldn’t do this ONE THING on this ONE DAY to make your life just a teeny bit easier was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back for you and your mom.” – Ryuugan80
“NTA and I really don’t understand everyone saying Y T A.”
“Look, there are societal contracts/requirements and we all just have to suck it up sometimes, even if we don’t agree/like them.”
“You don’t get to just circumvent those societal requirements/contracts and expect to be part of society.”
“OP said in their comments that dad would not have been onboard with sister dressing as she did at the funeral.”
“That’s disrespectful to dad.”
“Mom wasn’t ok with it since she kicked sister out.”
“Disrespectful to the widow.”
“It’s also disrespectful to everyone else who decided to participate, when sister decided to ignore the social contract.”
“Did everyone want to dress up, and go sit in a church? Probably not.”
“But they didn’t anyhow, because that’s what society has decided is the right thing as a whole.” – Hippopotasaurus-Rex
“I’m gonna go with NTA.”
“I dressed emo for 20 years of my life(I’m 35 now) but I wouldn’t go to a funeral in fishnets or dress my baby in black with skulls.”
“Your sister is acting like a child.”
“There’s a time and a place to follow a silent protocol, specially if it’s another person’s event.”
“She’s not a child unable to understand social consensus, she’s acting like a 13 year old saying ‘That will show them.'” – AutumnKoo
“NTA.”
“You are getting eaten alive in this post, but a short skirt and fishnets are not appropriate funeral attire.”
“It is just not, not unless there is some specific connection/wish of the deceased (which is clearly not the case here).”
“You didn’t immediately ban her, you asked her to change and then it escalated.” – Agitated_Pin2169
“NTA.”
“My friend, I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Do not under any circumstance listen to the people telling you that you’re wrong.”
“I, like your sister, am 26.”
“My personal style is not somber black. I tend toward floral patterns and lots of colors.”
“When I’m at work I dress like a professional. When I’m at home I’m in yoga pants and a t shirt.”
“I can dress up or down depending on the circumstance.”
“At a funeral, I’m in my black blazer and black slacks and a black blouse because it’s not about me.”
“If she can understand and conform to a dress code at work or for events, AND SHE CAN, she can wear appropriate clothes to a funeral.”
“She got the same notice of the dress code everyone else did.”
“It was her choice not to stick to it and the consequences are on her head.”
“Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“There’s nothing I or anyone else can say to make this less difficult, and I’m so sorry your sister chose to make this time more difficult.”
“If you need probate services or any kind of help getting things sorted out and don’t know where to look, start with NAELA, the national association of elder law attorneys, and look for one in your area.”
“If nothing else, whoever you call will be able to point you in the direction of someone who can help.” – BrightFirelyt
“NTA.”
“There is a time and a place where some this are appropriate.”
“Well we have gone beyond the Victorian era and the demands that people must wear mourning attire for a certain period, there is still an expectation of respect and it doesn’t sound like your sister had that in her outfit.”
“Funerals are for those left behind and it very much seems like your mom and you needed her to not be a center of attention look at my crazy outfit type for one day.” – FoggyDaze415
“NTA.”
“Dressing how you want does not mean dressing how you want, whenever.”
“You can’t show up in court in jeans and a hoodie. You can’t go to a funeral in a miniskirt.”
“That said, I do think you went too far.”
“It was your sister’s father’s funeral, too. That’s a big deal for her.”
“And she obviously would not have been able to go home and change at that point – you were just kicking her out.”
“While she was wildly disrespectful and you had every right to do what you did, I think you should have let her stay at that point.”
“The damage was done – better to avoid a bigger scene and let her at least have a chance to say goodbye.”
“You know your sister, and knew that she would likely do this.”
“It sounds like you entirely failed to impress upon her the seriousness with which you would take the dress code.”
“It also sounds like you could have done a lot more to proactively manage her process of getting ready – down to taking her shopping and getting dressed together.”
“(Edit: Is that fair to you? No. But I think you knew that she would not own an appropriate black dress in the first place, unless you took her to buy it.)”
“Knowing what you say you knew about her tendencies, and then not taking any proactive steps to control her, you basically set her up to be kicked out.”
“I’m not sure how you could have expected this to turn out differently based on your actions.” – okayNowThrowItAway
While a few Redditors did feel OP went too far by kicking the sister out of her father’s funeral, most agreed the outfit was disrespectful and likely intentionally so.
It doesn’t sound like these two will see eye to eye anytime soon, but it is unfortunate they weren’t both able to pay their last respects at the funeral.
Hopefully they are able to find a way to process what transpired while also navigating their grief.