Some people have seriously big dreams for their futures, in incredibly competitive fields at that.
A lot of sacrifices have to be made on the way up, and it can quickly reveal who the real friends are, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor catmilch was excited for a unique opportunity as a photographer during the following summer and hoped that her best friend would schedule her wedding so that she could attend both events.
But when her best friend scheduled her wedding for the exact date she couldn’t attend because of her other opportunity, the Original Poster (OP) began to question their friendship.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for my reaction when my best friend picked a wedding date for the one day I couldn’t go?”
The OP dreamed of making it big in the photography industry.
“It’s always been my dream to shoot festivals with the biggest goal to be Glastonbury. For the last two years, I’ve have been hired by the BBC to cover a smaller stage, leading up to my big goal.”
“Someone I consider to be my best friend, who I hang out with every week, if not multiple times a week, was planning her wedding.”
“When she showed me the dates her venue had available for next year, I said the only one I couldn’t do would be June 29th because of Glastonbury and how important that job is to me in trying to maintain this relationship and hopefully get to one of the bigger stages in the future.”
“It also looks so good to other clients and pays a good amount of money, and there are so many people waiting to take your spot if you ever turn it down. I basically replaced a girl who couldn’t do it one year, and they hired me instead of her the second year.”
“June 29th also is not the only weekend the family and such can do cause I have been an ear for all of that. She had a list of dates, and she picked the date around the catering she wanted.”
But then the OP’s best friend made a decision that surprised her.
“Now that she is about to send out the invites, I’ve found out she has picked June 29th exactly, and she is upset I can’t come.”
“She could have picked another date, but she chose that one.”
“I feel really heartbroken because I love her, and I thought she loved me, and I have been there for her through the whole wedding thing and even told her I would offer her wedding dressmaker a free photoshoot if it would help bring the price of the dress down.”
“But now I feel like s**t because she obviously didn’t care if I came or not if she picked the one day I couldn’t do without f**king up a huge thing in my career.”
The OP felt incredibly conflicted about the entire situation.
“I have abandonment issues as well because of my family, and it has made me feel that feeling of not being wanted.”
“I know how stressful weddings are, but I would never want a wedding without her there, and now I feel so guilty that I can’t go and am also doubting why she would pick the one day I couldn’t go.”
“She is upset and cried when I said I couldn’t come, even though she knew all along I wouldn’t be able to without a huge blow to my career.”
“But she is really upset that I am picking work over her wedding, and I can’t help but feel guilty.”
“Edited to update: She is currently giving me the silent treatment, and it’s really stressing me out.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was arrogant for expecting the bride to plan around her schedule.
“Unpopular opinion: there are a lot of factors that go into picking out a wedding date. The venue, accommodating the groom’s family, the bride’s family, and availability of the person officiating.”
“There is a chance that although she knew this date wouldn’t work for you, it was the only date that worked with everything else that was important. And so as a couple, they had to book the date, and although it sucks you couldn’t go or can’t go if it’s next year, that’s life sometimes.”
“It seems a little arrogant to assume your best friend asked you what dates you are free and then picked the date you weren’t available to avoid having you there. Why would someone like that be your best friend?”
“It’s also unfair to assume your presence should be more important than every single other factor that goes into the wedding. You’re more important than family availability and venue availability and minister availability, etc.?”
“Unless you have confirmed your friend did this maliciously, this is just one of those ‘life isn’t fair sometimes’ moments. YTA.” – excel_pager_420
“YTA. She probably picked it for family reasons or other big issues. Her wedding does NOT revolve around your availability.” – BenynRudh
“YTA. There will be other guests and other constraints. It is quite unreasonable to expect someone else’s wedding to be arranged around your availability.” – Either_Branch3929
“Light YTA to think she snubbed you. NTA for not going.”
“This date has significance to your living and career. Providing you stated this fact to her very clearly, she should understand actions and consequences.” – SebastianFlytes
“YTA for expecting you’re the only one they are considering for choosing dates.”
“NTA for choosing work over friends. Not an ideal choice, but sometimes hard choices need to be made. I spent my 20s choosing work over many events (not a friend’s wedding), and I regret those choices now.” – Mcduffalo
“I’m going with a soft YTA.”
“This isn’t about you, but you seem to be making it about you. It’s her wedding, and she and her future spouse are picking the date that works best for them from what is available.”
“It’s cool that you’re passionate about what you do, but it’s still work. As you’ve seen, you can easily be replaced as they did with the woman prior to you.”
“I’m not sure of your ages, but as I’ve aged, I’ve realized that you don’t look back and think about those work events and jobs you’ve missed, but you do with those events with friends and family.” – CthulhuAlmighty
“YTA because her choice of date isn’t about you.”
“I completely understand why you can’t attend that day. I also understand that your friend can choose whatever day she wants for her wedding. There could be any number of reasons why she chose the only one you couldn’t do, and I highly doubt your availability had any part in the decision.”
“Obviously, for you, your work comes first. For her, her wedding comes first. Go and do the Glastonbury job. Your friend will get over it eventually. If she doesn’t, and the friendship ends, then you’ll get over it eventually.” – AlgaeFew8512
Others supported the OP’s decision to stay committed to her career.
“NTA. Of course, you’re putting your livelihood over her wedding. Her wedding doesn’t pay your bills, but the gigs you might get definitely will.”
“I don’t know why she had to choose that weekend, but the results of doing so are 100% on her. Don’t let her guilt you into doing HER a favor.” – NotCreativeAtAll16
“Congrats on the job! That is insanely awesome.”
“As for the matter at hand, NTA 100%. She knew the date and what she was doing or didn’t listen to you AT ALL. Either way, that is on her.”
“I say you need to do two things from here:”
“Get ahead of this with mutual friends. I say this because so often, people will do things like this and then ride it for more attention, sympathy, etc. I’m not saying call her out in public or on social media, but saying anyone you both know to find a way to bring it up.”
“Or even better, just announce publicly how excited you are about the Festival Job and put the date. GUSH about how great it is, what it does for your career, and how long you’ve known about it.”
“Enjoy the festival!” – PrincessAngelPuff
“NTA. Her wedding does not come before your own livelihood and career opportunities, and especially so when warned prior to choosing the date.” – Blackjack137
“I would completely concur if it wasn’t for ONE THING. OP’s best friend is upset OP can’t make it, even though she TOLD her that she wouldn’t be able to make it.”
“If it was solely a logistical issue, her best friend would be apologizing up the wazoo for having to choose that date. She certainly wouldn’t try to make OP feel guilty when she knew that OP had a very very important prior commitment.”
“Honestly, this sounds like the best friend is making her wedding into some Best Friends Forever test. NTA.” – Jedisilk015
“It was N A H until your friend got upset when you said you couldn’t come. You have work commitments, and she has to book all these vendors.”
“But I do think you need to work through your feelings more. You’ve written this as if she specifically chose the one date you couldn’t attend as some sort of friendship test when I’m sure there’s another reason.” – embophohbopdoowop
The subReddit completely understood that work schedules need to be honored, dreams need to be fulfilled, and wedding vendors need to be booked, but if the friendship was a really solid one, the subReddit believed that the pair should be able to figure this out, even if it meant the OP not attending the wedding.
Perhaps there was still some way for the bride to move the date around, or maybe the OP could attend the other wedding festivities while still advancing her career. If their friendship was that important, there had to be a way to make marriage and career goals compatible.