Some people are good at keeping secrets, especially if it’s something personal.
Keeping other people’s secrets, however, is another thing and comes with a slew of issues.
A woman recently discovered she was going to be a part of her best friend’s proposal, and she was thrilled at the prospect.
But when things got complicated, the woman found herself in a quandary of loyalty that took an emotional toll.
So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment on a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario.
Mad_Tub asked:
“WIBTA [Would I be the a**hole] if I told my bff’s mom the real reason I won’t be there for her daughter’s marriage proposal?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My bff (28 f[female]) and I (29 f[emale]) have been bffs since middle school. Super close and very much present in each other’s lives.”
“She is moving from OH to CT which will make it harder for me to see her as often because we’ll be a 10hr car ride apart and there are no direct flights.”
“Her and her bf (32 m[ale]) bought a house in his hometown 20 mins from his parents’ house, and they move in on April 19th. She invited me to ride up with her parents to help her move in.”
“The bf called me a week ago to tell me he plans to propose at their front door before they enter the house for the first time as homeowners. When they open the door their immediate families will be on the other side.”
“I assumed he wouldn’t want me there since it was just going to be parents and siblings but he said he’d love for me to be there and that she would want me there. She told him to make sure I knew about the proposal 6 months in advance (of course he just planned this a couple weeks ago).”
“So, today I reached out to her mom and coordinated the ride up there. She was happy he invited me up.”
Things seemed to be going well until things took a turn.
“As soon as I confirmed the plans with her, the bf called. He told me that his mother doesn’t want me there because she thinks it should be immediate family only. I’ve never met the woman so I know it’s not anything personal.”
“But he also asked me to do him a ‘favor’ and not tell my BFF or her mom the truth about why I can’t be there. I don’t like the idea of lying to either of them and I think they’ll both be upset that I ‘bailed.’”
“Also, I’m a terrible liar and I don’t think it’s fair to save his mom face because she’s already on thin ice with my friend and her mom.”
“I’ve been crying about it all day because I was so excited to be a part of it.”
“I think I WBTA if I told her and/or her mom the truth because it will cause tension as they’ll definitely confront her about it. And they already aren’t big fans b/c she meddles and is controlling. Lastly, I told the bf I wouldn’t give them the real reason, but I am her friend before I am his. I don’t want to set a negative tone for this new chapter in their lives.”
“I’d tell b/c I don’t want my friend to think I didn’t want to be there or that I thought something else was more important. I know she will be hurt that I’m not there. And I honestly can’t think of an excuse that her mom would accept or believe.”
“My BFF has always been there when I needed her, dropping everything and driving 6+ hours or hopping on plane without me asking. I know she’d want me.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
A good majority of Redditors found the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA.”
“Tell him that you are not changing your plans. His future wife wants you to be there this weekend, and she has expressed multiple times that she wants you there when she is proposed to. What is his mom going to do? Leave when you show up?” – sheramom4
“He gets to 50% decide who will be there or not there at the venue. He 100% doesn’t get to tell OP not to tell anybody else the true reason. Ask him to ask the Future MIL why she doesn’t want OP there. Most likely it will be some frivolous reason.”
“He should be able to explain to his mother that OP is a special person to Future DIL. If an interfering MIL is 20 min away from their house with a compliant son, the probability that the marriage will last is very low.” – abstractengineer2000
“I’d tell bff’s mom everything and make plans to surprise her (bff? Mil?) with my presence.” – eklektikly
“This is what I was thinking. Tell her mom, because she deserves to know. It’s very likely she’ll say come anyway because she knows and actually cares about what her daughter wants. Then, see how he and future MIL act. Plus, also tell the friend eventually. OP is like family to her BFF. I wonder if the bf really meant to include OP from the beginning.? But his whole plan all along was to pull this stunt.” – MrsBarneyFife
“Respond ‘I’m not being chill. It may seem like that because you really caught me off guard with your request. I have not yet decided whether or not I’m going to CT that day. It’s bad enough that your mom doesn’t want me there when you propose, especially when you know that BFF told you she wanted me there. You asking me to lie to both her and her mom, who are both very important to me to cover for someone I don’t even know is honestly shocking.’”
“MAKE SURE that his request is in the text. DO NOT answer your phone if he calls. Let him respond by text.”
“Get that paper trail.”
“Tell your friend’s mom immediately after sending that text.”
“Transparency is your friend.”
“NTA.”
“Edit: If you want to help him be less of a pushover, maybe throw in ‘I know you have trouble standing up to your mom, and that has caused some problems with BFF. You need to think really hard if you want your proposal to be forever connected to an action like this and how it may affect the future of your relationship.'”
“Or just let him flail and hope he learns his lesson for his next girlfriend.” – TogarSucks
“NTA, please tell your friend the truth. You are supposed to take the fall for hurting her when his mother has shown even before this that she’s controlling meddler and he’s incapable of standing up to her? The proposal is for him and his future wife, his future wife has wishes about it and his mother gets to deny them? Excuse me?”
“Best case scenario, he’s a stupid mother’s boy, worst case scenario, this is actually meant to alienate you and bff. She’ll be easier to control if she’s not only geographically detached from her support network but also emotionally isolated from her friends.”
“She needs to know so she can decide whether she really wants to create further legal ties to such a family. You’re not only endangering your own friendship if you lie to her, you’re also withholding vital information about the level of control his mother is going to have over her life if she marries into that.” – RiverSong_777
“Look, call him back to tell him you’ll have to renege on not telling BFF’s mom, if he doesn’t fess up to your BFF himself (or you know, stand up to his mother- is it just me, or is this a big ol shiny red flag?): BFF is your ride or die, not him, and yours and BFFs families are part of a family of choice that predates him by decades- so you just can’t not be honest with them. Tell him he has 24hrs before you give her mum a call.”
“NTA.” – Ok-Many4262
“NTA. Honestly, my mother-in-law doesn’t get much of a vote if it’s me. If it’s me, whoever gets invited to family affairs is whoever I consider family, and it sounds to me like your friend considers you family.” – Inside-Run785
The OP provided the following updates.
“Update #1: Here is our text conversation from yesterday. I didn’t respond to his last text until this morning. I appreciate everyone’s input. You all made me feel less entitled and crazy about feeling the way I feel. There are way more responses than I could have imagined, but now I’m afraid this will end up on her radar because I know she scrolls Reddit occasionally. lol He responded to my message with a heart. BF’s texts.”
“Update #2: It looks like I will be there after all! Thanks again for the help, everyone! He really is a great guy and we all have our faults. It sounds like he is starting to stand up to his family though!”
She gave final confirmation.
“UPDATE: We talked, and I will be at the proposal!!”
We’re glad this was resolved and that things will still go according to plan.
Hopefully, there will be no further issues down the line with the mother-in-law.