Some people are good at keeping secrets, especially if it's something personal.
Keeping other people's secrets, however, is another thing and comes with a slew of issues.
A woman recently discovered she was going to be a part of her best friend's proposal, and she was thrilled at the prospect.
But when things got complicated, the woman found herself in a quandary of loyalty that took an emotional toll.
So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment on a hypothetical "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) scenario.
Mad_Tub asked:
"WIBTA [Would I be the a**hole] if I told my bff's mom the real reason I won't be there for her daughter's marriage proposal?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My bff (28 f[female]) and I (29 f[emale]) have been bffs since middle school. Super close and very much present in each other's lives."
"She is moving from OH to CT which will make it harder for me to see her as often because we'll be a 10hr car ride apart and there are no direct flights."
"Her and her bf (32 m[ale]) bought a house in his hometown 20 mins from his parents' house, and they move in on April 19th. She invited me to ride up with her parents to help her move in."
"The bf called me a week ago to tell me he plans to propose at their front door before they enter the house for the first time as homeowners. When they open the door their immediate families will be on the other side."
"I assumed he wouldn't want me there since it was just going to be parents and siblings but he said he'd love for me to be there and that she would want me there. She told him to make sure I knew about the proposal 6 months in advance (of course he just planned this a couple weeks ago)."
"So, today I reached out to her mom and coordinated the ride up there. She was happy he invited me up."
Things seemed to be going well until things took a turn.
"As soon as I confirmed the plans with her, the bf called. He told me that his mother doesn't want me there because she thinks it should be immediate family only. I've never met the woman so I know it's not anything personal."
"But he also asked me to do him a 'favor' and not tell my BFF or her mom the truth about why I can't be there. I don't like the idea of lying to either of them and I think they'll both be upset that I 'bailed.'"
"Also, I'm a terrible liar and I don't think it's fair to save his mom face because she's already on thin ice with my friend and her mom."
"I've been crying about it all day because I was so excited to be a part of it."
"I think I WBTA if I told her and/or her mom the truth because it will cause tension as they'll definitely confront her about it. And they already aren't big fans b/c she meddles and is controlling. Lastly, I told the bf I wouldn't give them the real reason, but I am her friend before I am his. I don't want to set a negative tone for this new chapter in their lives."
"I'd tell b/c I don't want my friend to think I didn't want to be there or that I thought something else was more important. I know she will be hurt that I'm not there. And I honestly can't think of an excuse that her mom would accept or believe."
"My BFF has always been there when I needed her, dropping everything and driving 6+ hours or hopping on plane without me asking. I know she'd want me."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
A good majority of Redditors found the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA."
"Tell him that you are not changing your plans. His future wife wants you to be there this weekend, and she has expressed multiple times that she wants you there when she is proposed to. What is his mom going to do? Leave when you show up?" – sheramom4
"He gets to 50% decide who will be there or not there at the venue. He 100% doesn't get to tell OP not to tell anybody else the true reason. Ask him to ask the Future MIL why she doesn't want OP there. Most likely it will be some frivolous reason."
"He should be able to explain to his mother that OP is a special person to Future DIL. If an interfering MIL is 20 min away from their house with a compliant son, the probability that the marriage will last is very low." – abstractengineer2000
"I'd tell bff's mom everything and make plans to surprise her (bff? Mil?) with my presence." – eklektikly
"This is what I was thinking. Tell her mom, because she deserves to know. It's very likely she'll say come anyway because she knows and actually cares about what her daughter wants. Then, see how he and future MIL act. Plus, also tell the friend eventually. OP is like family to her BFF. I wonder if the bf really meant to include OP from the beginning.? But his whole plan all along was to pull this stunt." – MrsBarneyFife
"Respond 'I'm not being chill. It may seem like that because you really caught me off guard with your request. I have not yet decided whether or not I'm going to CT that day. It's bad enough that your mom doesn't want me there when you propose, especially when you know that BFF told you she wanted me there. You asking me to lie to both her and her mom, who are both very important to me to cover for someone I don't even know is honestly shocking.'"
"MAKE SURE that his request is in the text. DO NOT answer your phone if he calls. Let him respond by text."
"Get that paper trail."
"Tell your friend's mom immediately after sending that text."
"Transparency is your friend."
"NTA."
"Edit: If you want to help him be less of a pushover, maybe throw in 'I know you have trouble standing up to your mom, and that has caused some problems with BFF. You need to think really hard if you want your proposal to be forever connected to an action like this and how it may affect the future of your relationship.'"
"Or just let him flail and hope he learns his lesson for his next girlfriend." – TogarSucks
"NTA, please tell your friend the truth. You are supposed to take the fall for hurting her when his mother has shown even before this that she's controlling meddler and he's incapable of standing up to her? The proposal is for him and his future wife, his future wife has wishes about it and his mother gets to deny them? Excuse me?"
"Best case scenario, he's a stupid mother's boy, worst case scenario, this is actually meant to alienate you and bff. She'll be easier to control if she's not only geographically detached from her support network but also emotionally isolated from her friends."
"She needs to know so she can decide whether she really wants to create further legal ties to such a family. You're not only endangering your own friendship if you lie to her, you're also withholding vital information about the level of control his mother is going to have over her life if she marries into that." – RiverSong_777
"Look, call him back to tell him you'll have to renege on not telling BFF's mom, if he doesn't fess up to your BFF himself (or you know, stand up to his mother- is it just me, or is this a big ol shiny red flag?): BFF is your ride or die, not him, and yours and BFFs families are part of a family of choice that predates him by decades- so you just can't not be honest with them. Tell him he has 24hrs before you give her mum a call."
"NTA." – Ok-Many4262
"NTA. Honestly, my mother-in-law doesn't get much of a vote if it's me. If it's me, whoever gets invited to family affairs is whoever I consider family, and it sounds to me like your friend considers you family." – Inside-Run785
The OP provided the following updates.
"Update #1: Here is our text conversation from yesterday. I didn't respond to his last text until this morning. I appreciate everyone's input. You all made me feel less entitled and crazy about feeling the way I feel. There are way more responses than I could have imagined, but now I'm afraid this will end up on her radar because I know she scrolls Reddit occasionally. lol He responded to my message with a heart. BF's texts."
"Update #2: It looks like I will be there after all! Thanks again for the help, everyone! He really is a great guy and we all have our faults. It sounds like he is starting to stand up to his family though!"
She gave final confirmation.
"UPDATE: We talked, and I will be at the proposal!!"
We're glad this was resolved and that things will still go according to plan.
Hopefully, there will be no further issues down the line with the mother-in-law.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.