Coming out can be a difficult thing.
The moment can be painful, liberating, frightening, and, a thousand other feelings all at once.
We are lucky when the people we choose to be in our life accept the “new” us with the same love as the “old”.
What happens, though, when a friend doesn’t react in the way we’d thought they would?
This was the issue plaguing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) dmdjdjkd when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
“AITA for being a little hostile toward one of my old friends after I came out as bi?”
She began by setting the background.
“I recently came out as bisexual and mostly everyone took it well.”
Then she explained the inciting incident.
“I was talking to one of my old friends and she (in full seriousness) said ‘You’ve probably had a crush on me since you’re bi and it’s honestly a little weird because I’m straight.’ “
OP’s response was a little graphic.
“…I may have gotten carried away. I said while looking into her eyes ‘I would rather cut off all of my toes and bleed out on the floor than ever go on a date with you.’ Which I laughed off.”
She thought it was a laughing matter until…
“She looked kind of offended and ended the conversation.”
“I feel a little bad but that is the MOST annoying thing anyone has ever said to me.”
Feeling a little guilty for her retort, OP sought the guidance of Reddit.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responded with consolation.
“Unfortunately this is par for the course; straight girls assume we like them. It’s best to just nip it in the bud right away before any drama occurs.”
“Plus, it’s more than just annoying, as it stems from bi/homophobia. You said something ‘shocking’ as a joke while making your point. Job done.”
“Congrats on coming out!”~LipstickRevenge
Others were surprised by the arrogance of the friend’s comment.
“This is so strange to me. I’m straight and I’ve had a few women come out to me as bi or lesbian. I was always like, cool. You do you!”
“I can’t even imagine ever saying anything like that to them.”
“Seriously, how full of yourself do you have to be to automatically think someone of the same gender wants you because they’ve come out as bi or gay/lesbian?!”~CelticSkye
“the ego on straight people when a friend comes out as gay or bi is astounding. its like they truly do believe they are the most attractive person on the planet”~l3gi0n-1183
While others decided to share personal stories of Coming Out going badly.
“This reminds me of a time I went out with friends, my straight male friend went up to my gay male friend he was meeting for the first time and said ‘don’t you dare pull any of that gay shit on me’. “
“Gay friend responds ‘No worries, you’re not my type anyways’, and straighter friend proceeds to get offended.”
“Like you don’t want members of the alphabet mafia to hit on you but you also want them to be attracted enough to you to hit on you???”
“NTA, OP’s friend needs to get over herself lol”~mrsprinkles3
“I lost a very good friend this way. I didn’t so much come out but more so it became known I was dating a woman.”
“Friend says she hopes I never look at her ‘that way’ because she’s straight.”
“I show her a pic of my 6’1 weightlifting girlfriend and just say that is not a problem she needs to worry about.”
“She gets all ‘well, what’s so wrong with me all the men want me what makes you so special?’ i look at the pic, look at her, look at the pic and say “you’re not my type”‘ we haven’t talked since.”
“This was 6 years ago.”~1st_year_at_34
Some stories showed how easy it could’ve been for OP’s friend to be supportive.
“One of my female friends came out to me (also female) as bisexual while we were at the beach wearing bikinis.”
“My only reaction was ‘cool, just let me know if we’re talking about a guy or a woman when we are talking about you seeing someone so I can use the right pronouns’ and that was it.”
“Still spent the whole day swimming and sunbathing together.”
“You coming out to her probably took some courage and her making this about her being ‘sexy to you’ instead of being supportive is an AH move.”~Thick_Technology_607
There was even time for a quick look at the psychology of the issue.
“Straight men are scared gay men will treat them the way they treat women, and straight women are scared gay women will treat them the way straight men treat them.”
“Both don’t quite seem to realize that by assuming that framework they’re not setting themselves up to protect themselves from that scenario so much as setting themselves up for a rejection they otherwise might not have cared about.”
“BC newsflash gay people don’t have the institutional power of straight men.” ~akpaley
Some were tired of the homophobia.
“NTA and I’m tired that it’s on us to soothe and educate homophobes.”
“She told you to your face it was weird if you found her attractive because she was straight (which talk about arrogant) and she got told exactly what you think of that.”
“If her fee fees are hurt now she has only herself to blame.”~Wrong-Construction40
OP did leave a final comment.
“Thank you guys so much for the wonderful advice, I really appreciate it!!”
Coming out can be a difficult experience.
While having supportive friends can make it much easier, that’s not always what happens.
Perhaps we can all try to be a little bit more supportive of our loved ones.