It's the end of 2025. Can we stop asking women if they're pregnant or when they're due, please?
While we're at it, when we definitely know that a woman is pregnant, we don't need to comment on how much weight she might have gained or on how her body looks, or question what she'll do to "bounce back" after her baby is born, challenged the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Complex-Rest3524 was a mom of a three-year-old and was nearing the end of her second pregnancy, so she'd started receiving these comments and questions.
When her brother-in-law pushed her to tell him her plans for losing weight after she'd given birth, the Original Poster (OP) gave him a snarky response, which seemed to make him uncomfortable or embarrassed.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my brother-in-law (BIL) that I'll be on a 'see food' diet?"
The OP was preparing for her second child's birth.
"I'm super pregnant right now."
"My husband (29 Male) and I (26 Female) have another child, who is almost three."
"I didn't have a positive breastfeeding experience with her, but I'm determined to have a better experience with our second."
The OP and her brother-in-law (BIL) did not agree about diet culture.
"His brother, my BIL (30 Male), is a chronic yo-yo dieter."
"I personally think it's annoying because he tries to get everyone else around him to try what he's doing. I've always politely said no thanks."
"My husband has told him several times to stop bringing it up to me, but he's sneaky and will ask when my husband is not in the room."
"I've just brushed it off, as he's insecure."
When the OP's BIL pressured her while pregnant, she decided not to stay quiet.
"There was one day when he and their sister (34 Female) were at our house, and my husband had to use the bathroom."
"My BIL asked me if I had done any research on how to lose weight when I have the baby."
"I had to take a deep breath so I didn't snap. I told him I had no plans for that."
"Then he proceeded to tell me about some kind of diet that requires cutting out all kinds of foods, and apparently, the baby weight will just fall right off."
"I told him, 'No thank you, I'm not worried about my weight, and neither are my doctors or my husband.'"
"Then he pressed even further, all while my husband was taking a s**t."
"He asked me if I had any diets in mind, and he would like to research them for me to see if they were good for me."
"I laughed and said that I would be on the 'see food diet.' As in, I'll see food, and I'll eat it, because with breastfeeding, you burn lots of calories, so I'll probably be hungry all the time."
The OP's brother-in-law did not take the feedback well.
"He was visibly uncomfortable, but my sister-in-law was giggling."
"After my poor husband came out, my BIL suddenly decided he needed to take his dog for a walk."
"My husband asked if anything had happened, and I caught him up. He thought it was funny, too, and said that he was going to talk to his brother."
"I know I'm not the a**hole, but part of me feels bad for the guy. If he's this insecure, could I be the a**hole by being as sarcastic as I was?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was actually a pretty polite take.
"HE was uncomfortable? I think he was an insufferable jerk!"
"Glad you could handle it like that, I might have gone off on someone were I in a similar situation. I am a dude, by the way, and I think women are by far a lot better/stronger than men." - mgerics
"OP was really polite about it, to be honest. Turned him down politely, tried to quietly disengage from the conversation, and made a casual joke."
"I'd have told him to stop making his eating disorder my problem and go project on someone else. Then again, I'm not afraid of being an a**hole." - SpaceCookies72
"NTA. You were far more polite than I would be. I'm 14 months post partum and have only just lost the weight from having my daughter, never let anyone (especially not this moron) make you feel you need to lose weight, especially after having a baby!" - abibofsweat
"You have asked him not to bring up this topic. Your husband has asked him not to bring up this topic. You even gave him a polite brush-off when he first brought it up. NTA."
"Besides, there is nothing AH-ish about your response: even if said sarcastically, it is perfectly valid to tell someone that you will not be adopting their preferred future plans for you." - DinaFelice
"BIL is way out of line! I love your response, and I'm glad your husband is going to speak to him."
"I love the see food eat diet."
"By the way, bananas and cereal bars on hand for 3:00 AM boob monsters are a godsend." - Grouchywhennhungry
Others pointed out that the brother-in-law's insecurities were not an excuse to behave in this way.
"NTA. Your brother's insecurity doesn't give him the right to make other people uncomfortable."
"Tell him, 'My body and food consumption isn't any of your business. If you can't respect that, this conversation is over,' and leave the room if he cannot respect it."
"The fact that he doesn't do it when your husband is in the room shows that he is manipulative. Don't keep giving his bad behavior a free pass." - midcen-mod1018
"It's wild that he feels entitled to try to dictate the diet of a pregnant woman. His insecurities do not give him the license to talk about your body, pregnant or not."
"I guess it's your husband's brother, so it may be hard to entirely cut him out, but can you at least keep a squirt bottle handy and spray him like an errant cat whenever he does this stupid s**t in the future? Cats have better manners than that, but they work on cats."
"NTA." - PerturbedHamster
"NTA. Your BIL is the AH for continuing to talk to a pregnant woman about her weight. Your SIL also should've stopped it when she heard him pressing about the matter again, rather than just laughing at your response."
"Honestly, they shouldn't be around you until your BIL gets his life figured out, for your own mental health." - Tough-Koala8000
"Your BIL is an a**hole. Stop enabling this garbage with him. Tell him to shut the f**k up about what you or anyone else is eating. If he's got an issue, it's on him to deal with it." - your-mom-04560
"You're correct. Breastfeeding does increase appetite, and not eating enough can affect your milk supply. I have two friends who recently stopped breastfeeding, and they both struggled with keeping their weight steady while they were doing it."
"Weight loss is not something to be concerned with during pregnancy or breastfeeding, especially if there was no concern for it before pregnancy."
"Eating enough food and not dieting is also going to allow your body to heal as it's supposed to, which can take around two years to completely heal after a pregnancy."
"NTA, and you did so well sticking up for yourself, and I'm glad your husband is going to talk to his brother." - Ok-Office6837
After receiving feedback, the OP shared some clarifications and an update.
"First off, thank you to everyone for all the support. I didn't expect to receive so many comments, but you completely validated what I was already feeling. Something just felt off about the whole situation, and boy, was I right."
"As I'm typing this, I'm currently lying in a hospital bed in full-on active labor. I had to be induced because my husband is 6'3, and I'm 4'9 and 41 weeks along. Get this cute thing out of me!"
"After I posted this and it blew up, I showed some of the comments to my husband, and I think a light bulb went off, and we both realized we need to be better with setting boundaries."
"Two days ago, he called his brother to talk to him about how his constant talk about dieting is getting annoying, and if he continues, we will have to limit contact. We are about to have two daughters, and the last thing we want is for them to feel insecure about their bodies and their relationship with food."
"All his brother did was hang up on him."
"An hour later, their mom called my husband, screaming at him. Apparently, he is in the thick of an eating disorder, and how dare he kick his brother when he's down, and he needs all the support he can get."
"My husband and I were both taken aback. He told his mom that he didn't want to have to threaten with limited contact, but he also wanted to protect his girls and keep them from turning out like him. (I also don't need to be hearing this during a vulnerable time.)"
"This made her even more angry, and she proceeded to yell at him about not abandoning family."
"He let her go on for a few more minutes before telling her to get him some help before it's too late and hung up."We then both agreed that with my induction coming up so soon, this was all just bad timing, and we need to deal with this after we're home with our baby."
Though it was terrible that the OP's brother-in-law was struggling, what he was going through was not a reason for him to treat others poorly or to force his insecurities on them to share.
Pregnant women and new mothers often struggle with their self image, because of the changes their bodies have gone through and all the pressure they face to "snap back" and look like they did before having babies.
The last thing the OP needed was pressure to lose the weight, especially when she was raising two daughters and attempting to have a better experience with breastfeeding her second baby.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp