Children learn by example.
Even when we might think that children aren’t paying attention to us, or to how we behave, they often see more than we let on.
This leads parents to constantly be shocked and surprised by the way their children behave.
Even so, these same parents often still choose to ignore or enable their poor behavior, rather than take action.
The daughter of Redditor Alarmed_Giraffe_5284 was looking forward to her upcoming birthday party.
However, the original poster (OP)’s daughter’s excitement was considerably dampened upon learning that a classmate she didn’t want there would be present at her party.
As she and the OP had predicted might happen, this classmate caused trouble at the party, leading the OP’s daughter to scream at her.
While many people suggested, or even demanded, that the OP’s daughter apologize, the OP did not think this was necessary.
Having some doubts about their decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to punish my daughter after she blew up on the classclown that she dint want at her birthday party?”
The OP explained why they didn’t think an apology was necessary from their daughter:
“My daughter is 13 and she goes to a small school.”
“Her grade only has 18 students (10 boys and 8 girls).”
“My daughter also has other friends from the sports she does.”
“We plan to have her go to a much larger high school in the future.”
“Her 13th birthday party was last weekend and I asked who she wanted to invite, she wanted to invite 7 of the girls from her class and 5 from her soccer team.”
“The one girl she doesn’t want to invite is named Kelly.”
“My daughter doesn’t like Kelly, she is the class clown in her grade and my daughter finds her annoying and attention seeking.”
“I asked her why she didn’t want her there and her response was ‘she ruins school for me all the time, I don’t want her to ruin my birthday’.”
“I agreed with her list and sent the invites out.”
“My ex-wife is invited to all her major milestone instead of us doing separate events.”
“I learned an hour before the party, my ex-wife sent an invite to Kelly since her mom found out about the party.”
“My daughter was not happy to see her (it was a surprise for her), I told her to enjoy the party.”
“It was going well until the cake came out. My daughter wanted a glitter cake (when you blow out the candles, glitter goes everywhere).”
“While everyone was around the cake, Kelly took her fingers and swiped icing off the top layer of the cake.”
“It ruined the cake, and my daughter lost it.”
“She yelled at Kelly, basically saying, ‘what is wrong with you, this is why I didn’t want you her and that you ruin everything’.”
“She ran to her room after, and Kelly was crying.”
“Kelly’s parent wants an apology, my ex-wife wants her to apologize as well.”
“I am refusing to make her do that or punish her at all.”
“I pointed out that my ex never should have invited her, and to the mom that her child ruined the cake, and that at 12 years old, she should know better.”
“They are calling me an a** and my daughter is just upset.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to make her daughter apologize.
Everyone agreed that if anyone needed to apologize, it was Kelly, while also expressing how Kelly needed to be called out for her unruly behavior by an adult, and not a 13-year-old girl:
“As a former middle school teacher (now HS), NTA.”
“Your daughter is NTA.”
“This girl, this clown, has been allowed to disrupt the classroom, to steal learning opportunities from her classmates, to do whatever she pleases.”
“The parents have supported her awful behavior.”
“I guarantee they have been contacted by the teacher.”
“I promise you they have.”
“And they were either non-responsive or threatening in response.”
“They are enabling this behavior, and your daughter called the kid on it.”
“And THAT IS OKAY.”
“That is your daughter defending herself after enduring time, attention, and energy theft by this kid in class.”
“NTA.”
“That girl and her parents are.”- PacificWesterns
“Kelly ruined the cake and the party; I’d hold Mom responsible for inviting her.”
“Your daughter is NTA at all.”
“You seem to be the only level-headed person in this fiasco.”- GirlDad2023_
“NTA.”
“A 12-year-old should and does know better.”
“Kelly is at the age where she’s going to start facing natural social consequences for her actions.”
“A lot of people will probably jump on the ‘but what if she’s neurodivergent???!!!!’ wagon, but neurodivergent children can and should learn right from wrong,g and swiping frosting off someone else’s cake is pretty basic manners.”- Ok_Ad_2437
“Yeaaa NTA.”
“The child is twelve NOT two.”
“She knew better than to swipe her sticky fingers on someone else’s birthday cake.”
“Your ex-wife is the real a**hole.”- Drawinganewleaf
“NTA.”
“But your ex is.”
“Why should your daughter apologize and not the class clown who actually ruined the cake?”
“Stand strong and defend your daughter.”
“Maybe the class crown’s mum should pay for the ruined cake too.”- GoddessfromCyprus
“NTA.”
“Your daughter established boundaries with a particular person, and you respected her decision.”
“When that person showed up anyway, they demonstrated why your daughter wanted the boundary.”
“Her freaking out is justified.”- DidHeJustGoThere
“Kelly isn’t a class clown, she’s a bully.”
“Your ex-wife is trying to play the ‘popularity’ game, which is likely because she feels excluded as a single parent and wants to be in with all the moms at the school.”
“You were right to stand up for your daughter, and kudos to her for attempting to make the most of your ex’s interference.”
“Your ex is the one who owes everyone an apology for overruling her daughter’s wishes.”
“Kelly owes your daughter an apology for ruining her cake.”
“That her parents are not holding her accountable is likely why Kelly is insufferable to begin with.”
“Your daughter owes no one an apology for standing up for herself against a bully.”
“NTA.”- BayAreaPupMom
“NTA.”
“‘Kelly’s parent is wanting an apology’.”
“Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.”
“Actions have consequences.”
“‘Kelly was crying’.”
“Good.”- StAlvis
“Ideally the formula goes.”
“Ruin birthday cake, mom demands apology = become known as That Kid with That Mom, who no one wants to hang out with.”
“Enjoy being a social pariah, Kelly.”
“It’s called natural consequences.”
“NTA.”- raptorsinthekitchen
“NTA.”
“Your ex-wife is a MASSIVE ONE, though! Kelly is an entitled brat who should know better at 12.”
“Not going to call her an AH though since she’s a child.”
“An entitled, annoying one, though.”- Advanced-Pear-8988
“NTA.”
“And what on earth do Kelly’s parents want you to apologize for?”- Spare_Necessary_810
“NTA.”
“Your ex owes your daughter two apologies: one for inviting Kelly and another for saying she should be punished.”- EntertainmentDry8298
“NTA.”
“I understand why she’s an Ex, that is unacceptable behavior and you are doing the right thing.”- pacmanner
“NTA.”
“Your ex, Kelly, and her mom are though.”
“12-13 is more than old enough to know you don’t put your fingers in someone else’s food nonetheless a birthday cake.”
“Kelly was attention-seeking and rightfully got embarrassed by being called out.”
“Maybe now she will learn not to do this in the future.”- c_c186
“NTA.”
“Your daughter had every right to berate the icing swiping goblin.”- Odd_Bill3070
“NTA.”
“Kelly should not have been there.”- Mother_Ship_7913
“NTA.”
“I’d be pissed at the wife for doing something without asking or telling you first.”
“I’d also be annoyed at the girl who swiped at the cake.”
“If the parents of the girl told me they wanted my daughter to apologize, I’d tell them to their face that that wasn’t going to happen, and if they kept insisting, I’d say that she wasn’t even supposed to be there in the first place.”- Pizzafan91
“NTA.”
“And neither is your daughter- she is NOT the one who owes an apology.”
“Ex shouldn’t have invited her, and Kelly is way old enough to know better.”
“If my 12yo behaved this way I’d be mortified.”- gadzooks_mama
“NTA.”
“Jeeez…what a little PITA.”- canvasshoes2
“NTA.”
“The ones that should be apologizing would be your wife, Kelly and her parents.”-Adventurous_Couple76
“NTA.”
“Definitely don’t apologize to anyone.”
“If Kelly’s parent doesn’t want Kelly to be called out for being an a**hole, then she should get Kelly to stop being an a**hole.”- kaorizma
It wouldn’t be unreasonable for the OP to teach her daughter how to control her emotions.
However, her reaction was fairly expected of a newly 13-year-old girl
Kelly sticking her fingers into someone else’s birthday cake is not behavior reflective of a 12-year-old girl.
And most definitely should have been addressed long ago.