In most cultures, it's common for a person having their birthday to cover the tab for their loved ones that they want to share their celebration with.
But if a person couldn't afford to do that, there's no doubt that the people who love them most would still do what they could to make sure they had a lovely birthday, even if it was small and simple, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ruthsayless had gone through many expensive experiences recently, including car troubles and changes at work, making it more difficult for her to pay for extras, like celebrating her birthday.
When her future husband got a major promotion and pay raise at work, the Original Poster (OP) thought he might help her pay for her birthday celebration, only for him to shut her down and say she'd have to spend the day alone.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my fiancé I can't afford to take him out for my birthday this year?"
The OP was struggling financially after multiple setbacks throughout the year.
"It's been a rough year. Car problems and hours cut at my job, so I’ve had to be really frugal."
"My fiancé (36 Male) and I (29 Female) split the bills. He pays the base rent, and I pay for everything else, like the electric, phone, subscriptions, etc."
"He makes a lot more than I do, 90k a year vs. my 40k a year, and that was before they cut my hours."
In the meantime, the OP's fiancé was moving up in the world.
"He recently got a big promotion at work, so he just got a huge pay bump."
"My big 30th is coming up, and I’m afraid to sound spoiled, but I’d like to be treated to dinner or something."
"In the beginning of our relationship, my man would treat me to vacations, gifts, and dinners."
"I loved it, but when we got serious, I told him he doesn’t need to spoil me, and we should put the money to savings. Unfortunately, over the years, this has become a 180 into him being very stingy with gifts."
"I constantly buy him clothes, video games, and dinners, but when I ask if he could spot me for McDonald’s, he gets upset and asks why I don’t have money."
"He says he pays for our house, which, in all fairness, is very expensive, because we live in a very nice neighborhood."
"He also admitted to me he’s in a lot of credit card debt. So I feel guilty asking to be treated."
The OP was hurt when her fiancé refused to do anything for her for her birthday.
"Now, for my birthday, I’m a little stressed, because I’m so broke."
"Thankfully, I have a gift card for a restaurant from my last birthday that I haven’t used. I told him about it, but I said it’s only $50, so we can’t go too crazy ordering off the menu."
"He got upset and said, ' Then what’s the point of going out?'"
"I lost my temper and told him I can go out for my birthday by myself then. He just shrugged and said that if that’s what I want to do, fine. I just feel kinda hopeless about it and sad."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some skipped over the OP's "AITAH" question and urged her to stop buying her partner gifts that would not be reciprocated.
"NTA, but stop buying him things! This is not likely to get better. Do you want to keep living with someone who won't even treat you to dinner on your birthday?" - MistressJacklynHyde
"Absolutely STOP buying HIM things. Save your money in a separate savings account instead. And get out of there. He love-bombed you, to get you hooked, thinking he'll take care of you on special occasions."
"But then, if they're toxic, they eventually show themselves. And he has shown himself." - JustMe1314
"NTA! Why are you constantly buying him clothes and video games? You need to stop. Money should go to bills and rent."
"But is this how you want to live the rest of your life?" - Ginger630
"Stop spending money on him. It sounds like you're trying to buy his love. Save your money. Only spend it on housing, utilities, etc."
"It doesn't take much to celebrate yourself. Even if you only have enough for an ice cream cone, that's your very special ice cream cone."
"How long have you been together and how long have you been engaged? Did he get you a ring? I'd be looking VERY closely at your sunken cost fallacy, because this relationship's not worth it." - MahleahHC215
"My first question to myself while reading this was, 'Why is she buying him things?' If she’s buying him so much she can’t afford McDonald's, she is not managing her own funds well. And he has a lot of credit card debt, which isn’t good."
"Before making any rash decisions, I would sit down and be very open about the financial situation. He may want to spoil you a bit but is feeling bad because he doesn’t have the money."
"Some men can act like jacka**es when that happens. But when they finally come clean, and you have a better understanding, you can work together on this." - Jazzlike-Bird-3192
"I think it’s the canon event a lot of women experience where they try to be 'low maintenance' and tell a guy, 'Oh, you don’t have to spoil me and buy me gifts,' and the guy takes that and decides to just not buy any more gifts and grows resentful."
"Please don’t marry this man, OP; the resentment is just going to grow." - cutesummerdress
Others questioned why the OP was even with this guy if he couldn't show a little empathy during a difficult moment in her life, especially since it was happening around her birthday.
"Oh honey... that's a very low bar! NTA." - QuirkySyrup55947
"'If he wanted to, he would.' NTA." - okiedokie339562
"Honey, you're not the AH. You're WITH the AH." - MyLittlePiranha
"NTA. He should not expect you to treat him on your birthday. That makes no sense at all." - GrammaM
"He’s making her prove she’s not a gold digger, but what he is actually doing is Financially Abusing her. She’s paying for what every woman ever did to him, and it is unsustainable and will eventually explode one day, and the longer it takes, the more damage will be inflicted. She deserves to leave now and be happy. NTA." - joedude1965
"YTA for staying with someone who doesn't like you. He wants you to pay to take him out for your birthday? Make this make sense!" - night_noche
"Worse still he doesn't just expect you to take him out, he is ANNOYED you can't afford it and told you to go on your own (a milestone bday too!)?"
"Partners, friends and family (adults) take the birthday person out 99% of the time; only children need to be paid for. So are you with a child or trying to have a relationship with a child?" - Charming-Anywhere974
"Girl, NTA. He makes more than twice what you do, and is this stingy/uptight about money?!"
"Also, why would you be paying for your own birthday dinner? That is ridiculous! It’s not a spoiled thing to say you want to be treated for your birthday; it’s actually perfectly reasonable!" - Mrs9H9
"The fact that his income is almost double yours and he expects you to pay for your own 30th... Girl, in all seriousness and from a place of concern, this man has stopped caring about you, and it sounds like he has successfully gaslit you into believing you're the problem."
"Also, when it comes to money, I do believe couples should be reasonable in splitting expenses. 50/50 is unreasonable when he makes so much more than you."
"You deserve better. You deserve someone who would consider that your birthday is coming up and start putting aside money to treat you. It doesn't have to be a lavish gesture, but Jesus expecting you to pay goes far deeper than someone pinching pennies." - not_brittsuzanne
"NTA, but give yourself a birthday present and find someone who’s not stingy and yet drowning in debt. It’s one thing to be frugal or poor, but quite another to be p**sed he can’t spend your money on your birthday."
"I’m sure if you evaluate things you’ll find a lot of things aren’t fair and he’s to be pleased no matter the cost (emotionally and financially)." - duckysmomma
"NTA. But you're not being respected. I would take myself out and never come back."
"That would be the ultimate birthday gift to yourself, actually." - Apprehensive_Puff91
The subReddit was angry on the OP's behalf that she was giving to this relationship and seeing nothing in return, not even a nice birthday dinner.
If the future husband made so much more than her, he really had no reason but to figure out his finances and at least be able to show his partner that he cherishes her and is looking forward to marrying her, not shame her that she can't afford to fund her own birthday during one of the most financially trying years of her life.
