We can all agree that the economy is tough right now, and it's hard to make ends meet and afford additional expenses, especially when we need to get a new phone or other device.
But when we need to make an additional purchase, whether for someone we love or for ourselves, how we prioritize our money matters, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Free_Fox_9933 had been with their husband for nine years and felt like they'd always done a little bit more to honor his birthday than he had honored theirs.
But when their birthday came and went with no birthday present, and no acknowledgement of the lack of a gift, right after he'd purchased himself a brand new Apple Watch, the Original Poster (OP) felt like the end of their relationship was imminent.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by thinking about separating after my spouse didn't buy me a birthday gift but bought himself an Apple watch?"
The OP's husband did not acknowledge that he did not get them a birthday present.
"My birthday was on Tuesday. Usually, my husband of nine years will greet me and give me my birthday present when we eat together at dinner."
"So this year, he greeted me and proceeded to eat dinner. I ate my dinner and waited to see if maybe he would give me a present after dinner."
"We finished dinner and there was no present, and no acknowledgment of no birthday present. It took me bringing it up."
"So I asked, 'Have you bought me anything for my birthday?'"
"His reply was, 'No, I don’t have the money to do anything for you right now.'"
The OP no longer felt like a priority in their marriage.
"Now, I understand that the economy sucks right now. However, he just bought himself an Apple Watch just one week prior."
"So I told him that when his birthday comes at the end of the year, I’m not acknowledging it."
"I also feel like during these nine years, I acknowledge his birthday a bit more than he does mine."
"Every year I make him a homemade cake, spaghetti, and good ol’ midnight fun. Plus a birthday gift."
"For me, it’s not so much about the gift; it’s about him not telling me that he wouldn’t be able to get me a gift."
"AIO?"
The OP updated their post the next day.
"He called me while on lunch break. I told him that I’m not in the mood to talk, and he doesn’t understand why I can’t move past this."
"I hung up. He then said a gift is coming tomorrow via text."
"I’m thinking separation is imminent. All of this just to get him to understand. I just don’t have it in me anymore."
The OP updated the post again when the gift arrived.
"I actually got a gift today: a cheap, Amazon knockoff of an Apple Watch. It's still in the box, and he's on notice that it's either marriage counseling, or I'm out."
"I did some digging, and let's just say I found out some things that led to him not having money, and none of it involves me or our household."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP that it wasn't really about the gift; it was the lack of acknowledgement.
"NOR. It's not really about the lack of a gift; it's the complete lack of care."
"I mean, even if he hadn't gone out and bought himself something expensive just prior to this and money was tight, surely he could have coughed up some money to get you a little trinket? After nine years together, surely he could think of at least one thing that's low cost but would make you feel appreciated?"
"Legit, one year when my mum had helped me financially, 'all' I got for Christmas were Disney napkins and Star Wars band-aids."
"We're talking like a $5 gift. I LOVED it, because I love Disney and I love Star Wars, and it showed my mum knew that, and while she couldn't justify giving me something big due to her prior financial help, she still wanted me to have something as we opened gifts with family." - AltruisticCableCar
"Not overreacting. My ex was like that; it was like it hurt him to say happy birthday. He would also pick fights on my birthday even when I didn’t give in to the fight. Then months later, he would buy himself something and say it was for my birthday. So glad that's over." - Plenty_Ad_4935
"Girl, you have much more enormous problems than simply not getting a birthday gift. For Christ's sake, wake up."
"It’s not 'just a birthday gift.' He intentionally ignored your birthday and was barely even willing to say Happy Birthday to you."
"Saying he couldn't get you a gift because money is tight after he got himself a quite expensive gift a week earlier is not, in fact, over the gift itself, but where he sees you as fitting into his life."
"There’s a deep negativity underlying those choices. That's not how a loving husband behaves." - LissaBryan
"NOR. Your husband has excused himself for not prioritizing you. You’re right, it’s not about buying you a gift; it’s about his attitude and his seeing you as important enough to celebrate in any way."
"If you explain this to him and he can’t see it or doesn’t care, your marriage is not working for you. I’m willing to bet this is more a pattern than just your birthday." - Justaroundtown
"NOR. This sounds like my ex when he was cheating."
"I was an afterthought; money was for him and hookup apps, meals out, gas to travel, etc. Money was always tight, but only because he was spending it on himself." - wanttoplayball
"NOR. This is a signal that your relationship is dying and he’s lost feelings for you. A radical change like this truly is relationship-ending. He has someone else, or he doesn’t love you anymore."
"My suggestion is to withdraw and give him a chance to miss you. He will either be jolted by how he almost lost you, or he won’t care. Either way, it will be decisive."
"All the things you used to do out of love, just stop, and put all your energy into yourself. Go out with friends, spend time looking and feeling good, take up a hobby you’ve been putting off."
"This will give you back your confidence and will help you recover if your marriage does end, and it also shows him what he’s missing if there is a chance to salvage."
"Chasing him, or being vulnerable, is the wrong strategy when someone has gone cold and dismissive. The only response I’ve seen work is to make them miss you." - HappySummerBreeze
Others pointed out that the husband should have been able to afford something small, even after the Apple purchase, for his partner of nine years or more.
"I can't imagine being with someone for nine years and not knowing of small and cheap things that would at least say, 'I see you, I know you, I appreciate you, I love you.'" - No_Interview_2481
"H**l, if she makes him a cake, he could’ve made the effort to make her a really nice dinner and a cake. Or if he’s a bad baker, heck, make a nice dinner and buy a nice cake (he’ll even a Costco sheet cake cause those are often amazing). Just SOMETHING." - Revan462222
"A 'Happy Birthday' costs nothing, and he couldn’t even do that. My husband and I rarely do birthday gifts anymore; if there’s something we want, we buy it. But we still remember each other on our birthdays (and he usually takes something over I may not want to do that day, so a gift in itself)." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. Reminds me of my friends who got given Pokemon cards; she has no interest in Pokemon, and the boyfriend of five years took them back and opened them and added them to his collection." - Great-Muffin4660
"My charmer didn’t wish me Happy Birthday, either. Instead, he tossed out the words, ‘I suppose we could go to the beach for fish n chips’ in a tone that meant it was the least attractive thing in the world to do and then ignored me all day."
"This was the third year in a row with this charming behaviour. I had a very enjoyable peanut butter sandwich and initiated divorce."
"Don’t wait as long as I did. Life should be better than this." - withcatlikegrace
"Buy yourself an Apple Watch for his birthday. If he doesn't love it, ask him why he's making such a fuss." - TangerineCouch18330
The subReddit was furious on the OP's behalf because of what the lack of acknowledgment on the OP's birthday communicated about the lack of feelings and forethought the husband was keeping for the OP. If he really cared about them, he could have at least done something small to recognize their birthday, or put their birthday before the Apple Watch.
