While it's not always obvious how serious a relationship is and where it's going, some people declare their feelings loud and clear.
When they're obviously not prioritizing their partner, their partner would be better off listening to them the first time, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor runeechan discovered that their boyfriend used their shared Amazon account to make a fairly large purchase for himself and one of his coworkers to cheer his work friend up.
But when he made poor spending choices and didn't have enough money left over after that to buy them a birthday present, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for getting mad at my boyfriend for buying himself and a coworker a silly gift through our shared Amazon account, and then not having money to buy me anything for my birthday?"
The OP was okay at first with not receiving gifts on their birthday.
"My birthday was two weeks ago. We went out to a bar with friends."
"I need you to understand when I say I NEVER expect a gift for my bday. From anyone. That includes him."
"I overheard him tell my friends, 'I didn’t have money to get her anything.' And that’s fine. I know money is tight."
"He’s going to school and working; he’s saving money for a new car, and he’s a groomsman this year, so he just bought a suit. FINE. That’s cool. As I said, I wasn’t expecting anything."
But when the OP found out the truth behind the lack of presents, they were hurt.
"Fast forward to now: I see our shared Amazon account has a purchase of two billiard ball bottle openers (kinda cool) totaling $50."
"I was a bit miffed because why did he buy two? Was it an accident? For his brother? $50 is a lot for bottle openers."
"So I asked him. And he said he bought it for himself and a coworker."
"So… yeah, I told him I was p**sed. I’m p**sed that he spent money on bulls**t when he’s supposed to be saving."
"I’m p**sed that he bought himself and a coworker a gift, and I got jack on my bday? I’m p**sed that he said he ‘doesn’t have money,’ but he had money for this??"
"Am I the a-hole or should I lay off him? He just wanted a treat for himself. He doesn’t buy bullshit all the time; should I respect the sanctity of Amazon purchases?"
"By the way, we just went to the bar with friends. An effort was not really put in, since it was MY idea to go there."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were angry that the boyfriend so obviously had not prioritized the OP.
"NTA. He clearly has priorities for his money, and you aren't one of them."
"He could have spent a modest amount of money for a bday gift, or heck, he could have MADE you something if the situation were that real, when clearly it is not." - kimscool86
"NTA, and you should tell him that you’re upset and why. His reaction will tell you a lot. I’d be p**sed too, but I’d also explain why and try to do it when I can more calmly (but still very directly) express myself." - gold3nhour
"NTA, that was really crappy of him. I would ask why I rate lower than a coworker. Then I would ask him where this relationship is going because if he's putting more effort into a coworker than he is putting into me, that tells me he doesn't want to be with me."
"This wasn't some random day, it was your birthday. Stop accepting low effort. He needs to man up and start taking his relationship seriously." - Away-Understanding34
"NTA, but just stop accepting scraps because you are doing a disservice to yourself. Stop saying it’s ok to not get you a gift. He has a whole year to prepare for your birthday, for Christmas, for Valentine's Day, for your anniversary, and whatever you celebrate."
"It doesn’t have to be an expensive gift, but he absolutely should get you something. If you keep just being ok with whatever he will give you, whatever. You will be the mom on Christmas watching everyone open their gifts that you made sure everyone had while you get nothing." - Alarming_Emotion_785
"When I was in my twenties, I had a boyfriend who was very stingy with gifts. He did pay the rent and all of the bills, but that was because he didn't want me to work so I could stay home and help him with his business (basically handle all admin duties) while I did all the housework and cooking and lunch and yada yada yada."
"His friend worked for, and he was always buying him lunch or sodas or what have you, no big deal; it didn't really bother me. Until he started buying him presents. Nothing big. Ball caps, lighters, beer koozies, T-shirts, stuff like that."
"It wasn't the cost; it was the idea that he would go into a store, think of Steve, and buy him a present while his girlfriend was at his house managing his business, washing his damn underwear, and getting nothing."
"I wish I could say that when that started happening I got smart and packed my shit and left, but I stayed way too long, and the relationship ended horribly. Please learn from my mistake." - PatieS13
"NTA at all, and investigate this friendship closely. Even if they are just friends, don't accept this half-a**ed love. OP, you rank lower than a COWORKER." - odebus
"NTA. He thinks you are in the bag and he doesn't have to try anymore. Meanwhile, he actually likes his coworker and wants to do something special to make them happy."
"Are there any other signs of selfishness? Have you been doing all the chores and passing it off as being nice to him?" - Music_withRocks_In
Others agreed and pointed out that the boyfriend could have done something if he really wanted to.
"When we didn't have money, I would make my husband his favorite meal and a cake on his birthday. OP's boyfriend could have done something." - Clean-Fisherman-4601
"A homemade meal, a cake, and a movie you actually love sounds way more thoughtful than an expensive gift bought just for the sake of giving something."
"The issue was never really the $50; it was that he claimed money was too tight for her while apparently finding room in the budget for other people." - sSweet082
"We give a card, but the 'gift' is making the day about the birthday person. What they want for breakfast and dinner, no household chores, their choice of what to watch, etc. We want the other to know we're thinking of them and love them, even if we can't show them in a bigger way right now." - Capable_Froyo4433
"I crocheted my husband a scarf and made his favorite dinner for his birthday one year when we had no extra money for gifts."
"NTA. He could have spent that $25.00 on you instead of a work friend and cooked for you." - mynameisnotsparta
"If someone really is broke, even just a chocolate bar would make me happy because it meant they cared enough to even think about me." - Kriiisss21
"NTA. That's a s**tty thing to do."
"Also, I have a hard time believing money is so tight he couldn’t get you something fun and cute for under $20. Like, he could have saved that much by not drinking at the bar that single night (which I think I would have done if necessary. But it’s pretty easy to sell some crap you don’t need on marketplace as well." - inko75
"Someone who cares and loves you doesn’t need to be told to do something special for you on your birthday. If it’s not a default for your partner to think about doing something nice for you via gift, experience, card, or anything, you should really consider setting a higher standard."
"It’s not abuse, but it’s important to note that it’s inconsiderate or reflective of someone who loves you. Don’t settle; your future self will thank you. It’s not your job to raise your partner."
"Happy belated birthday, and sorry you had to go through this." - whiskers-and-tacos
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"We talked about it. He said he canceled the order after he thought about it."
"He had bought the gift for his coworker because he was going through a hard time, and he thought the gift was cool since he likes billiards and drinking."
"He said that I am NOT THE AH, and he admitted it was a dumb choice and he didn’t think it through."
The subreddit sympathized with the OP for not feeling appreciated or prioritized on their birthday while their boyfriend focused on his coworker's needs. It's understandable to be there for a friend during their time of need, but generally, romantic relationships come before work relationships.
