Teenagers have a lot to figure out about themselves while they're preparing to be adults.
One of those things absolutely is figuring out their sexuality, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Sam29292929 was supportive of her son recently coming out as bisexual.
But when he started demanding she purpose him things to prove her support, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to do.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my son that he can't have a £50 ($60 USD) makeup palette?"
The OP's teenage son recently came out.
"My (37 Female) son (14 Male) has recently come out as bisexual."
"I would like to say that I have absolutely no problem with the LGBTQIA+ community and support him 110%."
The OP's son enjoyed experimenting with makeup.
"Since he has come out my son has been asking me for makeup such as £7 ($8.40 USD) eyeshadow palettes and £13 ($15.60 USD) lipsticks."
"I bought these for him to practice with as they were quite cheap."
Her son then started pushing for more expensive makeup.
"The other day, my son asked for a specific palette that cost around £50."
"I was hesitant as this is a lot of money and he is still learning."
"I told him that I didn't want to buy him the palette as it was expensive and that he should try saving up for it himself (he gets £15 ($18 USD) a month pocket money without doing chores and earns an extra 15 for doing chores)."
"He started yelling at me that I 'just didn't want my son to look like a girl' and 'wasn't accepting him and his identity.'"
"I have never said this nor implied it. He stormed upstairs and has been avoiding me since."
The OP's husband had mixed feelings.
"My husband has said that I should just buy him the palette just to stop the drama."
"I don't want to buy such an expensive palette just to save face but I also what my son to know that I accept him."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP's son's bisexuality was not an excuse for poor behavior.
"NTA. Being bisexual does not mean he can act like a spoiled brat." - chinua333
"Being bisexual doesn't give him a free pass to throw a tantrum. If he's old enough to wear makeup, he's old enough to save his money and buy his own eyeshadow like any other teenager."
"NTA." - ObjectiveSense102
"I also have a feeling that if OP gives in on this, based on him throwing the 'you don't accept me or my identity' card, it's only gonna escalate with other things and the card being thrown in her face every time she disagrees." - Lumisateessa
"He already basically did turn the 'you're homophobic' card on OP, which is an AH move. OP got the kid some pallets already without hesitation, therefore she didn't disapprove of him being bisexual. So not an excuse here." - Former_Ocelot5593
"The weird thing here is how OP's son seems to associate make-up with being bisexual. They are not the same thing."
"In fact, by saying that the two are the same is perpetuating homophobic stereotypes. So if anything, the homophobic one here is the son."
"Straight people can wear makeup and surprisingly it's not mandatory for gay/bi people." - Daveii_captain
Others were worried the son would continue this if he got the palette now.
"Just buying him the palette won't be helpful at all. It just shows him that he can emotionally blackmail people and will get away with it."
"Also being bisexual has nothing to do with wanting to wear makeup (my boyfriend is bisexual and yesterday I told him he could try out my nail varnish if he wants to, I have nail polish remover at home, and he said he isn't into these things)."
"I'm absolutely pro 'everyone should do what makes them happy as long as they don't hurt others by doing so,' but wearing make-up is just personal taste and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Even hetero men can be into those things. That being said NTA." - Schweinelaemmchen
"He's going to keep playing this card as well if she gives in to it. Could get pretty ugly." - longdongsilver2071
"Not to mention, OP noted they had already been buying makeup for the kid, to begin with. That is definitely acceptance in action. Asking her kid to save and spend his own money on the pricier makeup is 100% reasonable." - MorriganNiConn
"I'm a woman and don't even use a. 50.00 makeup pallet. Hell next he'll want high-end makeup and still look like a clown if not done right. I saw enough of them in high school."
"If you really want to help him take him in and get him a make-up class to learn how to put it on first. Then talk about expensive makeup." - Ok-Act-330
"OP, do not give in. Gently remind your son what you have bought him (cheaper things to practice with that you would not have done if you were ashamed of him)."
"But £50 is a bit much and he should save up to buy it. Or get it for him for a special occasion (birthday?). NTA." - GardenSafe8519
"Return fire and call him a classist and tell him to stop discriminating against you because you're poor and that if he's too lazy to make money for luxury items then clearly he's not entitled to them."
"NTA. He is old enough to get working papers and please see to it that he does. Also, take him shopping for essentials and teach him a lesson in basic economics even if it means other items need to be cut from the shopping list like name brand snacks to clothing." - SnooSuggestions2288
But a few were worried about how much money the son was receiving.
"OP said it was £15 a MONTH, not week, £50 would take the son over 3 months to save up for."
"I 100% agree NTA though, I just think OP should maybe do £10 a week for chores instead since £15/month won't really get you much anymore." - Joker121215
"He can add it on his wish list for Christmas (or whatever they celebrate) or his birthday." - Elinesvendsen
"My oldest is 12 and has recently been getting into makeup, while I've kinda fallen out of the makeup game in the last couple of years since having my youngest. So my oldest has gotten super lucky in that I have a bunch of good quality makeup I've hardly or never used that will expire in the next year or so that I was able to give to her."
"Last night she came to me wanting a specific new palette and was very shocked to learn that she'd have to save $55 for that particular one, so she adjusted her expectations and settled on a new Colourpop palette instead, haha."
"She knows she's been lucky in me gifting her these things and cannot continue to get high-quality makeup without buying it herself, and would never dream of throwing a freakin' tantrum like a toddler if she didn't get a new expensive palette for no reason."
"I've also given my 8-year-old and the 2-year-old a few blushes, eyeshadow palettes, and lipsticks for them to play with as well. All of us girls have fun doing our makeup before the youngest's bath a couple of times a week! Such great bonding time for all of us." - riskytisk
"As a 14-year-old, he can get a job in the UK, all he needs is a work permit." - Acceptable_Day_6082
"My kid spent easily $60 on some makeup and skin care products."
"But she did so from her allowance, gift cards from birthdays and holidays, and money earned pet-sitting, babysitting, and tutoring."
"That was our deal, I will provide the basics (face wash, special shampoo, and conditioner for her hair, acne products, moisturizer, sunscreen, chapstick/lip gloss, non-comedogenic concealer, and foundation recommended by her dermatologist), and an allowance."
"Anything else was up to her."
"And she spent pennies on others. The kid did her research. I swear if there were a course in cosmetics and hair care that kid woulda gotten an A." - DevilSilver
"Or she could tell him fine, I'll buy it for you but you won't be getting an allowance from me until it's paid off which at 15 (sorry don't have a British pound symbol handy) a month means 3 to 4 months. His choice: does he want his allowance or does he really want that palette? NTA." - Elementary57
"He is a teenager and will have teenage tantrums but he absolutely CANNOT weaponize his sexuality to get his own way."
"It is perfectly reasonable for parents to tell their children to save up for something they want to purchase, especially when the kids are teenagers who get an allowance and whose tastes start to get more expensive. OP and her husband need to tell their child exactly that. OP is NTA." - RionaMurchada
While the subReddit could appreciate why the OP's son was interested in exploring more extensive makeup options, they did not appreciate how the son approached the situation.
Weaponizing his identity as a way to get more items paid for by his mother was in poor taste, and since she had already purchased makeup for him, she had already more than proved her support of his identity.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.