Racism comes in many insidious shapes and sizes. One less well-known form of racism is actually the way that society markets and sells products for Black people's hair-care.
Redditor Aitathrowaway6922 found herself and her child at the receiving end of some subtle racism perpetrated by her husband, who refused to take the child to a proper barber.
After an argument over the subject, our original poster, or OP, went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for objective feedback from strangers:
"AITA for telling my husband that I think my son should have a Black barber?"
OP and her husband haven't had issues with their son's hair until recently:
"I (f[emale]26) and my husband (M[ale]26) have a handsome son together who is 4. A little background info here is that I am Black and my husband is White so this is where the problem has started."
"When my son was born he had slick straight hair but he's growing up now and his hair has becoming i say 4a/4c."
"My husband takes him to get his hair cut at a predominately White shop all his life because he said it was a bonding experience for them."
"I have no problem with that specifically but my brother i'll call him T visited recently just when my son and my husband came back from the barber shop and he made a comment on how the barber made his fade very crooked and asked my husband who cut it."
"This stirred up the drama and my husband got defensive when asked because the same man has cut his hair since he was a boy and he sees no problem with my son's hair."
When OP agreed with her brother, her husband didn't take it well:
"I have to say I agreed with my brother, his haircut was uneven and his hairline has been pushed back way further than it was before so I suggested my husband take him to a Black barbershop next time so they could cut his hair correctly."
"My husband blew up on me saying I was ruining his father and son time just because of his race and I don't think that's the case at all I just want his hair to look nice."
"I brought up the fact that T could introduce both my husband and my son to a different barber but my husband wants to continue the tradition of his childhood barber cutting my son's hair."
"When I mentioned a Black barber I wasn't bringing up race necessarily! I just meant someone who knows how to style Black hair! sorry for the confusion !!"
"AITA for suggesting to take my son to a different barber?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors think OP and her brother were right, here.
"NTA. POC hair and White hair are VERY different and unless a barber is used to working with POC hair then of course he won't do well."
"I don't know why your husband can't just.. go with your son to the new barber(?) He seems to have issues, it truly isn't taking away anything because of race."
"Hair texture is different and different people are used to working with different types of hair. Your son deserves a good haircut!" -Xixishell
"Basically OP's husband doesn't want to go to a Black barbershop and doesn't want to admit it. He is willing to have his son look a hot mess and possibly experience bullying because of it."
"Its okay to admit that races are different and therefore have different needs. I would argue that it's racist to deny this."
"If this is causing an issue with husband just imagine when the real issues arise. That little boy is going to be considered Black and everyone needs to be prepared. And denying it will just make it worse for the son." -emmaheaven1
"NTA, op. I am half Black. When I was 5, my mom, who is Japanese, shaved my head because she said my hair was getting too 'curly, nappy and nasty'."
"I was five. I cried for weeks. I learned to be ashamed of what my hair was. As I grew up, she used cheap box relaxers on my 4c hair to keep it straight, 'prettier' and 'easier to handle'."
"I didn't grow up around the Black half of my family, so I didn't know better, and spent the next 40 years secretly hating my hair, damaging it thru cheap relaxers and products, avoiding Black hair salons out of shame for not being familiar with my own culture, and suffering through a lot of internalized racism."
"My mother taught me that my hair was difficult, an inconvenience, and a nuisance. It's only now, at 40+ years old that I have learned how to treat it like a crown, and love the way it looks natural."
"Hair is so important in the Black community. This dad needs to learn how to love his kid better now, so the kid can love themselves better in the long run." -mnbvcxz1052
"NTA. Your son is Black. He's going to have to move and operate in this world differently growing up than your White husband did."
"I would have hoped that this is something your husband considered when he 1) married a Black woman 2) had a Black child."
"Your husband is going to have to acknowledge and respect these cultural and racial differences soon, as getting the right fade is one of the more minor challenges your son will have as a Black boy in this world."
"He's going to need a daddy that celebrates his son's Blackness and raises him to feel confident in his identity." -RazzleDazzle722
OP's son has Blackness as a part of his identity and people are shocked OP's husband doesn't want to be a part in celebrating that.
"NTA. Look I'm as White as possible so pretty much ANYONE can cut my hair and it looks decent. Even when it acts stupid."
"I understand he wants to keep his tradition alive BUT the thing is, he has a mixed child. His child does NOT have HIS hair texture."
"His child has kinky hair. He has textured hair. which honestly takes a skilled stylist to cut."
"And if the stylist has not encountered or actually works on kinky/textured hair often or at all, that won't be equipped to handle it."
"It's not as simple as just taking some cutting shears and going at it, there's products you wanna use and certain ways you gotta cut it so it comes out nice and clean cut."
"He has to understand his child is mixed, his hair is not the same as daddy's and needs extra care. Also he can easily go to the same barber as his son. He can keep the tradition alive even by seeing a different barber."
"You want the best for your son. You aren't making this about race. It's facts. He has a different texture of hair that needs someone who is trained on handling that type of hair."
"He's young right now so it doesn't matter BUT when he gets to elementary school and then definitely in middle and high school he's gonna be a target if his hair looks crazy and uneven. Your husband has to understand this isn't a race thing, his son just has different hair needs." -Alyssa_Hargreaves
"NTA. Your husband seriously can't come up with any other bonding activities that don't involve giving his son a terrible looking haircut?"
"If it's okay for his son to get his haircut by a white barber, why isn't okay for he, himself, to get a haircut from a Black barber?" -NUT-me-SHELL
"NTA. Your son should have reasonably well cut hair, which he'd get at a Black barber. Your husband reasonably wants some quality father-son time."
"However, your husband is holding on too tightly to the idea that the barber *has* to be the way that happens."
"And he's willing to sacrifice his son's hair to get it. He's accumulated a lot of great memories with his son at the White barber."
"That's great. Now create some new ones at the Black barber's. Or in another way. Let his son have a decent haircut." -writesgud
"NTA. It's a weird thing for your husband to get so bent out of shape about…"
"And I'm pretty sure at this point everyone knows about the difference in hair between the races and issues that can happen when a stylist isn't trained on how to do Black hair."
"He needs to decide what's more important, his childhood barber or his son's hair because his priorities look weird from here…" -ollyator
And people were urging OP to tell her husband to re-examine her priorities.
"Oy, I can't with some men and their stubborn egos. NTA, and your husband needs to get over his himself and accept that sometimes plans change and you have to be flexible."
"And sometimes the new plans are just as good, if not better than the original plans."
"Going to a Black barber is what your son needs, and even though it's a different barber than your husband envisioned, it could still create nice memories for them to go together."
"And for your son, being proud of how great his hair looks after going to the new barber shop + seeing his own dad embrace his unique hair will be so important for your son's self-image." -MikaRRR
"NTA it's not like you're saying that you now have to be the one to take your son to get his haircut."
"You're simply stating that your son has a different texture hair than your husband and should see someone who specializes in that so your son gets the best 'treatment'."
"Besides it's not like he wants your kid to be made fun of because his hair isn't cut properly right?" -MKAnchor
"NTA. I'm a biracial woman, Black and White. Growing up my mom had to learn from my Black aunts how to take of my hair."
"My mom didn't take offense to it, she was appreciative because she knew that we had different kinds of hair."
"Your husband doesn't have to give up his tradition of the hair cut but he should be open to learning about your son's hair type." -Curious-Charity-5368
"NTA, it's concerning that he seems more concerned with his own feelings rather than any hair trauma your son could experience by seeing someone who is not well versed in doing Black hair."
"As a Black woman who was taken to too many White salons as a young child it just makes you feel ugly when they mess you up like that and other kids comment on it both White and Black."
"There's a million other things they can do to bond that can benefit both of them." -Theblackdevushka
It looks like OP might be in for a more difficult conversation with her husband than she initially anticipated.
Hopefully they will be able to come to an understanding and have a productive conversation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp