There’s a lot you can do for a friend’s birthday. Surprise parties, going to local attractions, hanging out at someone’s house, and more that can lead to a fun time for all.
Redditor gaywitchbitch has a small issue about what her friend wants to do for her birthday. The original poster (OP) however, isn’t sure if she can attend.
Despite her protests, OP’s friend is insistent on her attendance. OP refused and now the two are fighting over the situation.
OP isn’t sure she did anything wrong, but decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about her situation.
It can be difficult for some people to get perspective.
“AITA for refusing to go to a friend’s 21st birthday due to allergies?”
Who wouldn’t want to go to a birthday party though?
“I (21f[emale]) was invited to my friend Stacy’s (fake name) birthday celebration a few days ago. She has been very excited, as she is the last in our friend group to turn 21, and has been keeping her party planning mostly secret so she can suprise us all.”
“Turns out she organised for a few of our friends, as well as some other friends from her college cheer team, to have a picnic at our city’s botanical gardens (I’m unsure if these are global, but it’s basically a large park with lots of different plants). She picked out a spot right next to the rose display, as they are her favourite flowers and hold a lot of sentimentality for her.”
“The issue is, I am quite allergic to flowers, think hayfever but worse. I’m not anaphylactic, but my eyes become so itchy they can swell closed, my nose runs like a leaky tap, and very rarely, I can struggle to breathe.”
“The flower I seem to be most allergic to are roses, as the breathing issue tends to happen when I am exposed to them. Stacy does know about my allergies, and has seen me have a few reactions over the years.”
“I declined the invitation, and naturally, as 21st are usually an important celebration, she texted me asking why I couldn’t come.”
“When I told her, she became quite upset with me and said that my excuse wasn’t good enough, and that there must be a better reason, and when I said it was my real reason, she became even more upset.”
“She kept insisting that I come anyways, citing that I have medication to help me, but she must have forgotten it was a nasal spray, as when I reminded her she said that it was disgusting, and she didn’t want to see that on her birthday, even though I offered to run to the toilets when I needed to use it.”
“I tried to comprimise with her, and said that I’d be happy to wear a mask, as it may help lessen the severity, but she shot the idea down as it was a picnic, so i’d take it off to eat, and she didn’t want a mask to be in photos.”
“I also said that I’d be happy to take her out for breakfast earlier in the day so we could still hang out for her birthday, but she declined as she wanted all of her friends to celebrate together. I don’t want to miss her birthday, but I don’t want to ruin it my being a sniffly mess, and possibly having a severe reaction. AITA?”
OP seems insistent on not wanting to deal with allergies, but her friend really wants her there. Should she just bear it or is she right to refuse?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to go to her friend’s birthday at a botanical garden because of her allergies by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The commenters agreed that Stacy was being unreasonable. Not only is this a bad situation for OP, but she didn’t even consider OP’s suggestions for compromise.
And while she may not go into shock, it’s not like a simple allergy either. OP very specifically said that it makes it hard to breathe.
The board agreed that OP is NTA.
“NTA – your friend is being a drama queen. You offered her a whole range of different options to allow you to participate, but none of them are good enough.”
“Does she want you there or not? Or does she just want drama…” – vercingetafix
“NTA anyone who wants you to suffer through an allergy for the Aesthetic of their birthday is not a true friend.”
“Then her not being happy with nose spray?”
“You tried to bow out gracefully, but she refused. I’m not sure what more you can do.”
“I suspect if you do go she will tantrum that your allergies are upstaging her birthday and you will be damned if you do damned of you don’t situation” – prozackat83
“NTA. Your friend is being demanding and uncompromising about something that concerns your physical health. ‘I can’t make it due to my allergies’ should have been the end of the conversation.”
“It was beyond generous to offer creative ways you could attend, and honestly kind of childish of her to shoot those down and demand you just rawdog a ton of allergens for what? Her benefit?”
“I don’t think she’s going to like it when you’re a snotty, puffy mess either.” – kindofusedtoit
“NTA- you offered so many fair and considerate compromises and she turned down every one of them. I don’t know what she would have agreed to but she clearly made no effort to accommodate you.”
“It almost sounds like she wanted to create some drama.” – Angelblade92
“Say it with me now: an invitation is not a summons.”
“Your so-called ‘friend’ is being ridiculous. You do not owe her hours of substantial physical discomfort because it’s the anniversary of the day she was shot out of a vagina, especially because she clearly only cares about you as a prop for her instagram photos.”
“NTA.” – oliviamrow
The idea that a friend would force you to endure your worst allergy out of some sense of aesthetics for their birthday is weird. Stacy should be more aware and empathetic of OP’s situation.
Otherwise, allergies can cause a lot of problems.
“I am the ONLY Member of my family who does not have extremely serious hayfever, seriously I am the only person I have a genetic connection with who can go to a park. Having grown up with my siblings really suffering from hayfever I understand exactly why you don’t want to risk going to this party.”
“If ‘Stacy’ had any idea how awful this is I hope she would be more sympathetic.” – imsmarter1
“Hay fever runs in my family on my dad’s side, and it’s a nightmare. I almost had to go to the hospital during camp one time when I encountered a huge patch of ragweed.”
“It probably won’t off you but it’ll make you wish it did….” – Weird-Roll6265
“Every year my brothers both look like they have been assaulted or like they have the plague. My daughter also doesn’t get hayfever ( she reminded me) but ALL my nieces and nephews do.” – imsmarter1
“NTA. Fellow plant and pollen allergy sufferer here. I just had to miss out on a 40th birthday this past weekend because my county is in the middle of a drought and all the grass and plants are just a crumbly mess of dust and dead plant matter.”
“I haven’t breathed right in a week. It sucks, and I hated missing out.”
“But sitting in a group of people where the only time you stop itching your eyes is to clear your nose is miserable.”
“You offered plenty of reasonable compromises to your friend. She needs to grow up and realize the entire world isn’t going to revolve around her no matter what cultural milestone she is experiencing.” – AgnarCrackenhammer
“Op, if I was you I’d tell you friends first that you aren’t coming because you are allergic to roses and that your throat might close up.”
“I’ve seen so many posts like this were the other person gets in first, badmouths you and makes you out to be a horrible friend. All hell seems to break lose after that. NTA but your ‘friend’ is” – Foilage_Fiend
“People who do not suffer allergies have no idea how debilitating and miserable allergy attacks can be. Unfortunately, they often do not have any empathy either.”
“They think that because allergy medication exists that it cures your allergies. It does not. It may lessen the severity of symptoms but you still need to avoid marinating in the pollen of your allergen.”
“I’m allergic to grass and even after years of shots and daily meditation and nasal sprays I still have to avoid grass when it’s in season or being mowed. I cannot tell you how many outdoor summer concerts I have had to refuse.”
“I volunteered at my kids’ school for everything except the end of year field day. I used to get lots of grief for that and other moms pressuring me to go.”
“Don’t get bullied into going. You will be miserable. NTA” – Initial-Frosting4063
OP needs to remain firm. Going to the party is nothing but trouble, both for her and for Stacy’s planned big day.