Content Warning: Stalking, Trespassing, Breaking In
When we’re in a fairly new relationship, everything tends to be sunshine and birds singing, and all we want to think about is our new partner and spending time with them.
But… most of us wouldn’t break into their house to spend more time with them while they’re on bedrest, pointed out the shocked “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor lunarlooney1 had been sick for several weeks and with a new onset of high fevers, she was on bed rest. Meanwhile, her boyfriend repeatedly called and texted her to tell her how much he was missing her.
But when he broke into her house as a ‘surprise’ because he couldn’t wait another day to see her again, the Original Poster (OP) was anything but elated.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not enjoying my boyfriend’s surprise to me while I was sick?”
The OP was struggling to get better after being sick for a while.
“The past couple of weeks, I’ve been extremely sick and haven’t felt like leaving the house or doing anything. This sucks for me because nobody likes to be sick, but I am generally an active person, and being bedridden is awful!”
“I also haven’t seen my (19 Female) boyfriend (20 Male) in a while, and he keeps asking me when I will see him.”
“I tell him I want to wait until I’m at least not running fevers because I wouldn’t want to pass anything to him, especially because he has little siblings and a baby sister, and I would feel awful if I got them sick.”
The OP’s boyfriend didn’t want to keep waiting to see her.
“He’s very persistent, though. He keeps saying how much he misses me and wants to see me.”
“He texts me multiple times a day, asking to come over, and I keep telling him not yet, especially because my fevers are up in the 104 range.”
But then the OP’s boyfriend took it too far.
“Yesterday, both my parents were at work, so it was just me at home. I’ve been in and out of sleep because I’ve been sick, so I was sleeping most of the day yesterday.”
“Mind you, my boyfriend works Monday through Friday, so in no way did I expect this.”
“Around 2:00 PM, I was woken up by someone rubbing my back. Before opening my eyes, I thought it was my father home on his lunch. Nope, it was my boyfriend.”
“I was very shocked at first and asked him what is he doing here.”
“He said he couldn’t stand being apart and wanted to surprise me.”
“I then asked how he even got in because my parents always lock the door before leaving, and he said he guessed the garage combination because it’s the same digits as my Phone password, which is what my family uses as a common password. (One of his boundaries upon us getting together was for us to share all of our passwords and codes with each other.)”
The OP was shocked by what her boyfriend had done.
“I was a bit taken aback, and I told him it wasn’t cool to show up uninvited.”
“He told me it seemed like I was ignoring him, and he wanted to come see what was up.”
“We went back and forth about it for a while, with me keeping my point that it was rude to show up uninvited (and to break in?), and he just kept telling me I should be grateful to see him and I needed to stop whining.”
“After a while, he left mostly because I made a point to say, ‘My parents don’t know you’re here and wouldn’t be happy with me for having you over here without their permission.'”
“Since yesterday, he has not talked to me.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her boyfriend’s behavior was completely unreasonable.
“Oh. Oh. Just… H**L no! He doesn’t respect your boundaries at all, has no problem completely dismissing your feelings, and he’s trying to manipulate you into being grateful that he violated your privacy. Gross.”
“You are NTA, but this boy? He most definitely is, and he’s more interested in what he wants than what’s best for you. This whole situation feels icky.”
“RUN.” – IamIrene
“He didn’t just violate her privacy, he literally broke into her home. He didn’t have permission to be there. In fact, he was explicitly told not to come. He wasn’t given the combination. He broke in.”
“It’s creepy as f**k, and I’d feel so unsafe if I was OP.” – Xavius20
“I literally almost dumped a guy for surprising me at work when we hadn’t been dating long. I worked in retail, though, so it wasn’t that weird that he’d been in the area, and I gave him that benefit.”
“But if someone broke into my freaking home?! H**l no. Goodbye.” – MAFSonly
“He broke in without permission. He was checking on OP because he is possessive, and that only gets exponentially worse over time. Then they threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, and they hit you, but ‘you made them,’ and then you get broken bones and have to lie and say you tripped, and then your family starts to shop for caskets.”
“OP, end this. Change the code. Tell your parents.”
“OP, he doesn’t love you. He wants to own you. That is never healthy.” – bibkel
Others agreed and gave the OP advice about what she should do next to stay safe.
“ABSOLUTELY NTA. You are right to see this as stalking. Technically, it was breaking and entering. You told him not to come.”
“Please talk with a domestic violence expert about the way to protect yourself. This is deep, disturbing behavior.”
“Go to www.rainn.org. They have a hotline and can support you, and they can connect you with resources in your area.”
“I am not an expert, but I was a trained volunteer for RAINN. Here’s my suggestion (again, please consult someone who is):”
“1. Tell your parents.”
“2. Change all the passwords and codes.”
“3. Consider reporting him to the police because this is scary as f**k.”
“4. Send a short breakup message. ‘When you asked to come over, I said not to because I’m very ill. You came anyway, and worse, you used a passcode that I did not share with you to enter our home uninvited and against my explicitly saying No. That was inappropriate and made me deeply uncomfortable. I’m breaking up with you. Do not contact me or my family again.'”
5. Mute his number, and DO NOT RESPOND. He may get angry. He may beg and plead, so it’s important not to respond at all.”
“6. If you can be out of the house for a bit, do it. Otherwise, your parents need to ensure you’re not left alone for the next couple of weeks because he may not react well.”
“Stay safe.” – soubrette732
“This is not okay, and your instincts are correct in telling you it’s stalking.”
“He bypassed your security system and entered your house after being told you’re sick and want to get well before you see him! Totally over the line in all possible ways. This is not a safe person to be dating.”
“If he were concerned, he could have knocked on the door or texted you that he was at the door, and if you either didn’t answer or answered but told him again that you wouldn’t see him until you’re better, he would have left. That’s what sane, respectful behavior looks like.”
“Even if he texted and said, ‘Hey, I know you don’t want to get me sick, so I left some chicken soup outside the door,’ those things show respectful concern.”
“Tell your parents and change ALL the passwords, and never share those with anyone outside the family. And don’t allow him in your life. This is controlling behavior and it would get worse, not better.” – dawno64
“DO NOT ENGAGE, OP. It’s critical you don’t give him any response.”
“With someone like this, if you respond on the tenth message, it just goes in his head as, ‘Okay, cool, I just have to contact her ten times before she answers.'”
“Read this book, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence, about listening to your gut instincts and intuition. I read it years ago when I moved out on my own. I thought it would make me more scared, but it gave me excellent tips for my safety as a woman new to living alone. I still think about it.” – neutralperson6
“Definitely tell your parents and change all passcodes. Make a police report for breaking and entry and ASSAULT. He touched you while you were sleeping, that’s legally assault.”
“DON’T TALK WITH HIM about this. He will manipulate you into staying together. Text him and tell him breaking into your house was unacceptable and to never contact you again. If he continues, tell him you will get a restraining order.” – Same_Passion6944
“Step 1: Get your a** to the doctor because a fever of 104 for any length of time is a sign of something more than a bug. The only time as an adult that I’ve popped a fever that high was a symptomless UTI, and those can get really serious if not treated.”
“Step 2: This is not your boyfriend; this is your EX-boyfriend. Respond accordingly.”
“Good chance he didn’t believe you were sick, and that’s why he stomped a number of boundaries to see you. This is beyond red flag behavior. Your instincts are correct.” – KnitSheep
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an initial update.
“Thank you for all the feedback. I’m trying to read everything but there’s a new comment every time I refresh. I will give an update once I talk to him; I just don’t know how I want to approach this yet.”
“A lot of you are worried about my fevers. I have been sick for a couple of weeks, but my fever just started this week. I have not had high fevers for weeks, fortunately. It started with congestion and a sore throat and recently turned into a cough and fever. Yes, I have been to the doctor’s office, and he gave me medicine for it. Thank you.”
The subReddit was not just worried about the OP’s health but her safety, as well.
If they wanted more information than their sick partner was able to provide, a well-meaning partner might have contacted their partner’s parents for more information about how they were doing, and they might have offered to do something kind, like make homemade soup and deliver it to their front door.
But breaking and entering? Definitely, definitely not the way to go.
Well, what do you think? Let us know in the comments below.