Redditor Sweet-Cherrypies had some financial good luck right around the time of the housing market crash.
This good luck allowed the Original Poster (OP) to purchase a house, setting her up for a more comfortable future.
Recently finances came up between the OP and her boyfriend, and when he found out how she purchased her house, he was not pleased.
This prompted a complicated conversation, driving the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not telling my boyfriend I won money 15 years ago?"
She went on to explain:
"I don't know what I did wrong or if what I did is wrong and I need some advice. I didn't want to post this on my real account because I'd like to be as anonymous as possible."
"My boyfriend [35-year-old male] and I [35-year-old female] were discussing finances as we wanted to be on the same page."
"My boyfriend moved in with me unexpectedly three months ago as his landlord decided to move into the property with his family."
"We were discussing finances and the topic of how I own my place came up."
"I explained I won some money (not a lot but enough to be able to put myself through nursing school, purchase my home and have some savings) back in 2009..."
"...and bought my place outright and then rented it out until I moved back into it in late 2018."
"Obviously I had some luck on my side as this was right in the middle of the recession so I got my place for real cheap."
"He says I deceived him by giving him the impression that I was a financially well off and that I led him to believe I was more business savvy than I was."
"I don't know how I did that because I literally work as a nurse make decent money, fully own my home, fully own my car, have decent retirement plans and decent savings."
"Im fairly certain that I am financially better off than most people I know."
"He says that he can't trust me anymore and that he was stupid to have listened to my financial advice but the thing is I never gave him any financial advice..."
"...except for telling him not to buy a car that was in my opinion unreliable and much too expensive."
"FYI we have been dating for almost a year and a half."
"Did I deceive him by not telling him how I got myself financially stable?"
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA"
"This feels like jealousy on his part, so he's lashing out."
"If you were together when you won the money and hid it from him that might be a different argument."
"Also, you are financially savvy because you got a windfall and didn't waste it. Well done you!" - RMaua
"NTA, and I see a lot of red flags here."
"It's sounds like you were very responsible about how you spent your windfall, securing yourself a home, paying for your education, and putting the rest aside in savings."
"I'm not sure what about that he's questioning. My concern is that he might have thought you were very wealthy and was hoping you would be his sugar mama."
"Is he only in this for the money?" - Ajstross
"NTA. "
"Thank god you found this out right now. I would make him an ex-boyfriend and kick him out."
"Don't want him to start laying claims to your home's equity after he lives there too long (depending on state/provincial laws on common law partners)."
"He's jealous. He also likely thinks that you were his meal ticket. He is angry over nothing reasonable."
"1.5 years isn't very long, and you don't owe someone the whole 'I bought this house because I got money from x blah blah blah'." - archetyping101
"Next thing will be 'you won that money, you didn't earn it honestly, so you don't deserve it. Spend it on (or give it to) me. I deserve it for putting up with your lies.'"
"Remove this person from your life before he ruins you, is my gut feeling. NTA." - Fit-Confusion-4595
"NTA - sounds like he is insecure because you make more and/or have more success than him."
"He is putting you down to make himself feel better."
"Nurses make bank. They work hard hours and are compensated accordingly."
"Simply ask him, knowing how you probably earn 100k per year and another 30-40k in overtime, if he believes you could own your home without your prior luck?"
"Because unless it's some mansion, buying anything in the recession was cheap, and as I stated, you likely make bank."
"If he feels like you don't 'deserve' your home because of some chance/luck(?), and couldn't afford it, offer to move into his comparable home he purchases."
"Honestly, I don't think he recognizes your success, and I think you need a long chat about it over a bottle of wine or 3. He can either be proud of you and drop it, or he can be single." - GameDev4187
"Eek, this guy is dripping in red flags. Moved in with you 'unexpectedly', ie didn't give you sufficient time to think about it."
"Critical of you for not telling him something that is none of his business and because he made incorrect assumptions about you."
"Saying he can't trust you? Fine, fork off and move out!"
"'How much do you have in savings?' after this sh*tshow should have been met with the answer 'none of your business'. How much does he have?"
"BUY HIM A CAR? Girl, this gets worse and worse."
"Change the locks. ASAP."
"NTA." - In_need_of_chocolate
"NTA."
"I wonder if he's disappointed because he thought you came from a wealthy family? Or he's disappointed that you don't secretly have some lucrative side business on top of being a nurse?"
"I don't see any reason why a rational person would be upset about learning of your winnings."
"Either way, you're obviously very financially responsible if you're still benefiting from the money you won 15 years ago. You've used it incredibly wisely."
"If your boyfriend were worth anything, he'd realize you're a keeper after hearing that." - LongNefariousness396
"NTA"
"But I find his comments about how he thought you were wealthy VERY telling…..It makes me wonder OP would he have feigned interest in you if you were dirt poor?"
"Also him wanting to move in so quickly…..Is this a tactic to try and make a claim later on?"
"A decent guy would be happy for you and wouldn't make a big deal of this"
"This guy thinks maybe you need to reevaluate this guy and send him on his way 🚩🚩🚩" - ColdstreamCapple
The OP went on to update her original post:
"Edit- I just had another, very weird conversation with him, and I honestly can't wrap my head around it. Yeah, so he is definitely a gold digger."
"He asked me how much I have in savings and seemed impressed with how much and then said maybe he reacted too aggressively."
"Then asked/told me that he still wants the car I advised him not to get. He hinted at me getting it for him as a birthday present since it's his birthday in early March."
"I am definitely dumping him. Going to wait till my two sisters and my two brother-in-laws can come over before I break up with him in case he reacts crazy."
"He's jealous and also resentful. He's ranting about how he would've tripled the money if he had won it."
"He's saying that my money is wasted on me because I don't 'make it make money'. Apparently, I should've been investing my savings in high-yielding stocks and other sh*t."
"FYI, I do get financial advice from a financial advisor I trust, but I am a risk-averse person, so I would never invest it in the manner this idiot is telling me!"
"Sure, the chance to get a lot of money is there, but so is the chance to lose!"
The OP went on to update us one last time.
"He's now on a crazy rant because I suggested we take a break from this argument because I don't want to ruin my few days off."
"My god, I can't believe how he's behaving. He thinks he's so clever, but I am thoroughly disgusted. Oh it is absolutely over between us."
"Okay so I understand him better now. So my house/ the property it's on is what led him to believe I was much richer than I am. He assumed I was loaded."
"So me telling him I actually got lucky pissed him off. Then, when he found out how much in savings and assets I have, he perked up and had a change of mind."
"He's now telling me that with just a quarter of my money he can show me how to invest on the stock market and 'make real money'. Oh, he is genuinely deluded."
Big red flags, OP.
What do you think of the OP's situation?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.