Life is complicated.
Sometimes, there is no right answer to a problem and our only chance is to do the best we can with what we’ve got.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Character_Jaguar3037 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“WIBTA for going to the funeral of my ex GF’s brother and missing my « SIL »’s wedding?”
There was some necessary backstory.
“I (M25) am in a relationship with Amelia (F26) since 2 years, she is wonderful, we live together and I think we are close to engagement.”
“In the past, I was in a relationship with Julia (25F), we met in high school and had a very passionate relationship for 5 years, but it didn’t work.”
“In the end, it got quite heated between us and even with her parents, so we blocked each other.”
“Julia had a brother Dan, two years younger, and we always shared a special bond.”
“Like me, he wanted to become a doctor, and I helped him with med school.”
“Even after the breakup, we stayed close (Julia and their parents weren’t aware), he was definitely very important to me, almost like a younger brother.”
“Unfortunately, Dan had a car crash and died last week.”
“I didn’t know until Julia came to my home to announce 2 days ago. I am absolutely devastated.”
“She apologized because she wasn’t aware that Dan and I were still close. She also thanked me for being there for him when he was fighting depression and that all her family would like to see me at his funeral next Sunday in their hometown (7 hours drive).”
“I replied that I wasn’t sure if I could come because I’m running low on money at the moment and my car will be at the mechanic’s, she said she could drive me there, but she had to be there two days earlier to help with the organization.”
“I said that I will think about it. We exchanged numbers and hugged, she cried a little and said she was sorry for all the things of the past and was happy to see me again.”
“Amelia came home at this moment, and I explained the situation when Julia left (she already knew about my past relationship with Julia and my friendship with Dan).”
“Amelia told me that I wouldn’t be able to go to the funeral because the wedding of her sister is the same day and we both agreed to go. I said that I need a bit of time to proceed with all that.”
“The following morning, I had a very emotional phone call with Dan and Julia’s parents, they apologized for the past and thanked me for being there for Dan.”
“That they would always consider me family from now. They insisted that they’d like to host me for the funeral to save me cost.”
“After reflection, even if it sucks for Amelia and the wedding, I cannot imagine missing Dan’s funeral, I talked with my co-residents the head of the unit, and they’re ok with me missing a few days and cover for me.”
“When I told my decision to Amelia yesterday, she blew up and said that I’m a huge d*ck to ditch her and her family in favor of my ex’s.”
“She said that I committed to the wedding, and I couldn’t leave her alone to reconnect with my ex. We had a big argument and haven’t talked much since.”
“I had some messages from her friends and her sister. They said that I’m a major a**hole for abandoning my GF in favor of my ex.”
OP was left to wonder,
“I was sure about doing the good choice but I start to feel bad and second guess myself, so AITA ?”
Having explained the issue, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NAH
The situation is complex.
“I’m gonna say NAH because I understand wanting to be at Dan’s funeral, and it’s not like you’re missing the wedding to go party with friends or something.”
“But I can also understand why your GF would be upset.”
“You’re going with your ex a few days early and staying with your ex Gf’s family, who you didn’t get along with in the past to the point of blocking them on your phone.”
“Would you be totally fine with her missing a (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime family event to be with an ex for a funeral and being with them for days (not just a few hours)?”
“I’m not gonna sugarcoat this. There’s a chance you come back from the funeral with her stuff moved out.” ~ Old_Beach2325
“I agree with NAH.”
“I wanted to say Y W N B T A, because in a perfect world going to the funeral would not be a problem and everyone would understand why it would be so important for you to go.”
“However, there are definitely a lot of complicated feelings involved.”
“Your girlfriend is disappointed you’re backing out of the wedding and jealous you are going to be with your ex.”
“When I am just reading this online, I can absolutely see your point and think, ‘ yeah, of course he should go’”.
“But if I am honest with myself, if I was in your girlfriend’s shoes, I don’t know if I would be able to rise above those emotions and think the same.”
“So you are definitely not an AH for wanting to go, and while it would be nice for your girlfriend to be able to also see it that way, I certainly can’t call her an AH for feeling disappointed and jealous over the situation.”
“I hope you both can take a step back, work on communicating through this, and figure something out. It is definitely a tough spot to be in!” ~ crazybirdlady93
“Also, a funeral is more for the living than the dead.”
“I understand where OP is coming from, but I also understand why his GF is upset. I would also say NAH, but OP can expect this to potentially affect his relationship with his partner if he goes.” ~ Narwhals4Lyf
Grief and Regret are potent motivators.
“NTA – this sounds like an important step in the process of you grieving the loss of your friend.”
“I’d ask myself: Would you regret missing the wedding if you went to the funeral? What about if you go to the wedding? Will you always regret not attending the funeral?”
“I’m very sorry your partner doesn’t understand. I hope she is able to come around and just was shocked by the suddenness of everything.”
“Edit to add: The funeral has nothing to do with bonding with your ex. I would try and emphasize this with your gf.” ~ LavenderCandi
“Please consider what LavenderCandi wrote: which would you regret more.”
“While both are important events, you can celebrate the marriage later with your gf and the bride and groom.”
“The funeral helps the living grieve and to say goodbye.”
“Say goodbye to your friend. Honor his life. Be there for his family.”
“I’m very sorry.” ~ Steve-in-ONE
“This isn’t about your ex. It’s about saying goodbye to a friend you thought of as a brother. This will put (hopefully just a temporary) strain on your relationship, but I feel it’s important that you go.”
“Edited for clarity” ~ toxicmunkee
Not everyone was on OP’s side.
“This funeral is not for your friend. It is for the deceased, and you are prioritizing your ex and her family over your current girlfriend.”
“I mean you can be okay with that, but don’t expect your girlfriend to be okay for a emotional car ride with your ex and missing out on a important family event.”
“I certainly wouldn’t be okay, and this is going to poison your relationship. Is this really worth it?” ~
“Sorry for your loss.”
“But I’m going to be blunt.”
“You are acting like a child.”
“You said yes to the wedding, and they probably spent money on you as a guest.”
“You can say bye without going to the funeral.”
“The real reason we do funerals and wakes is to support the family left behind.”
“She should have enough of a support network without needing an ex.”
“Your current girlfriend’s family should mean more to you than your ex-girlfriend’s family, especially if you weren’t on good terms with them.”
“Send them something and make plans to visit another day to share stories.”
“Everyone deals with grief in a different way. But you will lose your girlfriend if you go.”
“Your ex isn’t looking to get back with you the same week her brother died.”
“There was no need to describe how passionate your ex-relationship was (did not contribute anything except you’re still hung up on her).” ~ digbicwigkick
Complicated, morally gray questions will present themselves.
Most of the really difficult questions don’t have right or wrong answers – they just have solutions, and often none of them are perfect.