When it comes to household chores, an equitable divide seems fair.
Even in situations with couples where one goes to work while the other stays home, the working half should still contribute to the cooking and cleaning in some capacity.
As some would say running a household is a full time job all on its own.
A recent Redditor was somewhat surprised when his girlfriend made a suggestion which would involve changing chore distribution within their home.
As a result, the original poster (OP) countered his girlfriend with another suggestion, one she didn’t take kindly to at all.
Wondering if his suggestion was insensitive or out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The a**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend to do my laundry if she wants me to do all the cooking?”
The OP explained how after his girlfriend suggested he become the one solely responsible for one specific household chore, he suggested she be solely responsible for another.
“My girlfriend (25 F[emale]) and I (23 M[ale]) recently moved in together two months ago.”
“We evenly split all household chores.”
“However yesterday she suggested that I take over all of the cooking since I love to cook and it’s my favorite hobby, which is true, and thus wouldn’t mind doing so.”
“She on the hand other, doesn’t like to cook at all.”
“I am actually on board with the idea as long she’s willing to do my laundry.”
“If I’m talking over all of one chore instead of an even split, then she should do the same with another chore, in this case, laundry.”
“She on the other hand, disagrees and thinks I’m an ass for suggesting this.”
“Her reasoning being that I actually like to cook but she doesn’t enjoy doing the laundry.”
“So the two are incomparable in our case.”
“She also pointed out that she has to work more hours at her job so doesn’t have as much ‘free time’ as me, as justification for me taking over all of the cooking.”
“I disagree with her and believe that we should have an even split in household chores, one way or other and thus we have not been able to resolve this issue.”
“TBH I don’t think I’m in the wrong however I’m to other people’s perspectives on the situation.”
“So AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for suggesting his girlfriend do all the laundry if he were to do all the cooking.
Most felt that his request was justified, agreeing that chores should be evenly distributed, though many pointed out that the OP’s girlfriend should be responsible for a chore she enjoys doing, as the OP enjoys cooking, or that she could have offered to do another chore in return.
“NTA.”
“I’d suggest for her to pick a chore that she doesn’t hate and take over for it.”- VasAMorirMoe
“NTA.”
“There should be a equitable split of chores.”- jrm1102
“Have either of you tried suggesting a chore that isn’t laundry?”
“Your ask is reasonable, but personally I especially hate laundry and would probably be annoyed.”
“Laundry is also a bit of a weird chore because of the time commitment needed and having to be able to be there to swap the wet clothes to the dryer and not have them get that weird smell.”
“Any other chore you can do a little and come back and get it done during but laundry it is when it is.”
“Assuming there’s no information missing, NAH.”
“Just figure out a chore schedule that will make both of you happy.”
“Maybe she can do the dishes and clean up after you cook?”- brokenCupcakeBlvd
“I think it would have been somewhat different if you had offered to cook all the food instead of her suggesting it.”
“But if she doesn’t enjoy doing the laundry maybe there is something else that can be her job?”
“I do think that having a good and fair split between chores is great and gives everyone responsibility in the house though.”
“And you’re not TA for suggesting it, it’s only what is objectively fair.”
“NTA.”- vixlyn
“i wouldn’t say its fair for her to ask you to cook without offering any chore in return.”
“But i don’t think all the laundry is an equal chore to all the cooking.”
“You should discuss more to find a compromise that works for both of you.”- moosepoints
“I’m on the fence here.”
“I do agree that an equal split is fair, bit this feels like you guys are measuring if the other person does enough.”
“My husband and I work differently.”
“We both do stuff, he doesn’t always see everything that needs to be done or has odd priorities but that’s fine.”
“If I want him to help more/do something else, I will ask him and he’ll do it.”
“We both cook.”
“The unspoken rule is that whoever is home first starts dinner.”
“It’s not a competition.’
“We don’t give a crap about who ends up doing more since we’re just doing everything together or prefer to do particular things alone, e.g. I hate going grocery shopping together.’
“Learn to be partners, not teenage siblings keeping score.”
“Also do you do your laundry separately?”
“That just seems like a very inefficient hassle to me?”- PaulaVnl
“Nah.”
“You’re at the first stage in the negotiation.”
“She suggested you fully take over a chore you enjoy.”
“Now you have to figure out what chore she ‘gets’ to do full time.”
“If you can’t reach an agreement, then she keeps cooking.”- Effective-Slice-4819
“NAH.”
“You’re correct that if you’re taking on all of one task for the two of you, she should do the same.”
“But it doesn’t have to be laundry if she really hates laundry.”
“Figure out what her favorite task is, or at least her least-disliked, to make it the best possible correlation to you doing a task you enjoy.”
“Then have her take on all of that.”-VoyagerVII
“NAH.”
‘There should be a split that works for both of you.”
“But you aren’t a king to just say ‘wash my undies’ like that’s not the way you talk about this.”
“But if laundry isn’t the one she wants to take over it should also be open to something else.”
“Because she’s right you enjoy cooking.”
“Her new doubles chore should be accounted for in the same way.”- IThinkNot87
Others however, felt it the OP was clearly the a**hole for his suggestion, as he loves to cook, and it doesn’t appear that his girlfriend enjoys doing laundry, with some finding the OP’s girlfriend equally at fault for asking him to do all the cooking, rather than allowing him to offer to.
“YTA!”
“Right.”
“Qashing, dryer, ironing and folding, all of that would be forced onto the wife because she didn’t want to cook, IT DIDN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT DISHES, and op calls that fair?”
“Unless he’s making a 5 course meal everyday, it’s not balanced at all.”
“But I applaud op for omitting this and tricking so many people into praising him.”- h_hay
“YTA.”
“You ENJOY cooking.”
“You seem so preoccupied with finding a time consuming chore for her to do also.”- Distinct-Patience-15
“ESH.”
“She’s working longer hours and adding laundry onto the fewer free hours is kinda thoughtless.”
“And a tit for tat system isn’t a healthy relationship.”
“But perhaps you could ask her for help cooking, like food prep and cleanup, anything to help it go faster.”
“You could also make meals together a couple times a week.”
“Or, you can accept that sometimes laundry won’t get done on time, and you two will continue to resent each other.”- _dirtywater444
“YTA.”
“Keeping score is the death knell of relationships.”
“I don’t believe that chores should be completely unbalanced, but the nitpicking you are engaging in is counterproductive.”
“Your girlfriend has fair points that you enjoy cooking and she doesn’t and that her work day is longer.”
“As she works longer hours, it’s a good guess that she earns more.”
“Why not ask if she’ll pay for a housekeeper.”- maccrogenoff
“ESH.”
“She suggested that you do all the cooking, you didn’t offer.”
“That’s not ideal.”
“But.”
“You’re using a lot of emotional energy to force her to do a chore that she hates in the service of ‘fairness’, because god forbid her chores are any less time consuming than yours, even though she works an extra three hours every day.”
“That’s going to kill your relationship dead in an instant.”- anarmchairexpert
It doesn’t seem fair that one person should have to be wholly responsible for one chore all the time.
But seeing as cooking seems to bring the OP joy, as it does to many other people, and laundry does not do the same for his girlfriend, it also doesn’t seem like his suggestion was exactly an equitable one.
Here’s hoping that after some more conversation, they are able to find a solution to this problem which pleases everyone.