When it comes to household chores, an equitable divide seems fair.
Even in situations with couples where one goes to work while the other stays home, the working half should still contribute to the cooking and cleaning in some capacity.
As some would say running a household is a full time job all on its own.
A recent Redditor was somewhat surprised when his girlfriend made a suggestion which would involve changing chore distribution within their home.
As a result, the original poster (OP) countered his girlfriend with another suggestion, one she didn't take kindly to at all.
Wondering if his suggestion was insensitive or out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The a**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my girlfriend to do my laundry if she wants me to do all the cooking?"
The OP explained how after his girlfriend suggested he become the one solely responsible for one specific household chore, he suggested she be solely responsible for another.
"My girlfriend (25 F[emale]) and I (23 M[ale]) recently moved in together two months ago."
"We evenly split all household chores."
"However yesterday she suggested that I take over all of the cooking since I love to cook and it's my favorite hobby, which is true, and thus wouldn't mind doing so."
"She on the hand other, doesn't like to cook at all."
"I am actually on board with the idea as long she's willing to do my laundry."
"If I'm talking over all of one chore instead of an even split, then she should do the same with another chore, in this case, laundry."
"She on the other hand, disagrees and thinks I'm an ass for suggesting this."
"Her reasoning being that I actually like to cook but she doesn't enjoy doing the laundry."
"So the two are incomparable in our case."
"She also pointed out that she has to work more hours at her job so doesn't have as much 'free time' as me, as justification for me taking over all of the cooking."
"I disagree with her and believe that we should have an even split in household chores, one way or other and thus we have not been able to resolve this issue."
"TBH I don't think I'm in the wrong however I'm to other people's perspectives on the situation."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for suggesting his girlfriend do all the laundry if he were to do all the cooking.
Most felt that his request was justified, agreeing that chores should be evenly distributed, though many pointed out that the OP's girlfriend should be responsible for a chore she enjoys doing, as the OP enjoys cooking, or that she could have offered to do another chore in return.
"NTA."
"I'd suggest for her to pick a chore that she doesn't hate and take over for it."- VasAMorirMoe
"NTA."
"There should be a equitable split of chores."- jrm1102
"Have either of you tried suggesting a chore that isn’t laundry?"
"Your ask is reasonable, but personally I especially hate laundry and would probably be annoyed."
"Laundry is also a bit of a weird chore because of the time commitment needed and having to be able to be there to swap the wet clothes to the dryer and not have them get that weird smell."
"Any other chore you can do a little and come back and get it done during but laundry it is when it is."
"Assuming there’s no information missing, NAH."
"Just figure out a chore schedule that will make both of you happy."
"Maybe she can do the dishes and clean up after you cook?"- brokenCupcakeBlvd
"I think it would have been somewhat different if you had offered to cook all the food instead of her suggesting it."
"But if she doesn't enjoy doing the laundry maybe there is something else that can be her job?"
"I do think that having a good and fair split between chores is great and gives everyone responsibility in the house though."
"And you're not TA for suggesting it, it's only what is objectively fair."
"NTA."- vixlyn
"i wouldn't say its fair for her to ask you to cook without offering any chore in return."
"But i don't think all the laundry is an equal chore to all the cooking."
"You should discuss more to find a compromise that works for both of you."- moosepoints
"I'm on the fence here."
"I do agree that an equal split is fair, bit this feels like you guys are measuring if the other person does enough."
"My husband and I work differently."
"We both do stuff, he doesn't always see everything that needs to be done or has odd priorities but that's fine."
"If I want him to help more/do something else, I will ask him and he'll do it."
"We both cook."
"The unspoken rule is that whoever is home first starts dinner."
"It's not a competition.'
"We don't give a crap about who ends up doing more since we're just doing everything together or prefer to do particular things alone, e.g. I hate going grocery shopping together.'
"Learn to be partners, not teenage siblings keeping score."
"Also do you do your laundry separately?"
"That just seems like a very inefficient hassle to me?"- PaulaVnl
"Nah."
"You're at the first stage in the negotiation."
"She suggested you fully take over a chore you enjoy."
"Now you have to figure out what chore she 'gets' to do full time."
"If you can't reach an agreement, then she keeps cooking."- Effective-Slice-4819
"NAH."
"You're correct that if you're taking on all of one task for the two of you, she should do the same."
"But it doesn't have to be laundry if she really hates laundry."
"Figure out what her favorite task is, or at least her least-disliked, to make it the best possible correlation to you doing a task you enjoy."
"Then have her take on all of that."-VoyagerVII
"NAH."
'There should be a split that works for both of you."
"But you aren’t a king to just say 'wash my undies' like that’s not the way you talk about this."
"But if laundry isn’t the one she wants to take over it should also be open to something else."
"Because she’s right you enjoy cooking."
"Her new doubles chore should be accounted for in the same way."- IThinkNot87
Others however, felt it the OP was clearly the a**hole for his suggestion, as he loves to cook, and it doesn't appear that his girlfriend enjoys doing laundry, with some finding the OP's girlfriend equally at fault for asking him to do all the cooking, rather than allowing him to offer to.
"YTA!"
"Right."
"Qashing, dryer, ironing and folding, all of that would be forced onto the wife because she didn’t want to cook, IT DIDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT DISHES, and op calls that fair?"
"Unless he’s making a 5 course meal everyday, it’s not balanced at all."
"But I applaud op for omitting this and tricking so many people into praising him."- h_hay
"YTA."
"You ENJOY cooking."
"You seem so preoccupied with finding a time consuming chore for her to do also."- Distinct-Patience-15
"ESH."
"She's working longer hours and adding laundry onto the fewer free hours is kinda thoughtless."
"And a tit for tat system isn't a healthy relationship."
"But perhaps you could ask her for help cooking, like food prep and cleanup, anything to help it go faster."
"You could also make meals together a couple times a week."
"Or, you can accept that sometimes laundry won't get done on time, and you two will continue to resent each other."- _dirtywater444
"YTA."
"Keeping score is the death knell of relationships."
"I don’t believe that chores should be completely unbalanced, but the nitpicking you are engaging in is counterproductive."
"Your girlfriend has fair points that you enjoy cooking and she doesn’t and that her work day is longer."
"As she works longer hours, it’s a good guess that she earns more."
"Why not ask if she’ll pay for a housekeeper."- maccrogenoff
"ESH."
"She suggested that you do all the cooking, you didn’t offer."
"That’s not ideal."
"But."
"You’re using a lot of emotional energy to force her to do a chore that she hates in the service of ‘fairness’, because god forbid her chores are any less time consuming than yours, even though she works an extra three hours every day."
"That’s going to kill your relationship dead in an instant."- anarmchairexpert
It doesn't seem fair that one person should have to be wholly responsible for one chore all the time.
But seeing as cooking seems to bring the OP joy, as it does to many other people, and laundry does not do the same for his girlfriend, it also doesn't seem like his suggestion was exactly an equitable one.
Here's hoping that after some more conversation, they are able to find a solution to this problem which pleases everyone.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.