Unless a person’s significant other has no family or is no contact with them, it’s fairly inevitable that interaction will occur.
Bad interaction with a significant other’s family can destroy a good relationship. But that doesn’t mean people should tolerate rude behavior.
A woman struggling with her boyfriend’s mother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Alive-Secret-2986 asked:
“AITA for avoiding my boyfriend’s (BF’s) mom after she called me a b*tch?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend’s (BF’s) family gets together a lot for meals. We got invited to his family cookout and I don’t eat beef (it’s just a preference).
“But I offered to bring something for myself so they wouldn’t have to go out of their way to feed me and I still wanted to go and join my BF’s family as they’re still getting to know me.”
“I showed up to the cookout and, as soon as I sat down, my BF’s mom walked up to me and said ‘why don’t you eat beef?’ I said it was just a preference, and it is harder for me to eat.”
“She said, ‘Okay, I guess we will have to stop calling you a b*tch now, we all were talking about how you won’t come to any future family events cause you don’t eat beef and thought you were b*tchy’.”
“I was so shocked to have this said so directly to me with a straight face. It wasn’t even jokingly said.”
“She even repeated it when another family member appeared. She told them We can’t call her a b*tch anymore because she just doesn’t like beef.”
“She apologized to me after my BF called her out. She said, ‘Sorry, you are not used to my assertiveness,’ and continued on as if nothing happened.”
“She continues to make assumptions about me that cause drama. She constantly asks others questions about me and then makes up her own story.”
“Then I have to debunk it, but she’ll brush it off and change the subject.”
“I had already felt unaccepted by his mother, but that interaction and her other actions are sticking with me, cause I’ve never said anything about not participating in family gatherings/events.”
“I’ve been trying really hard to build a connection with my BF’s family, and he is hurt because he really wants me to join in family activities.”
“But now I no longer want to because it’s always uncomfortable, and I especially don’t want to be alone with her.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“Avoiding my partner’s family because of his mom’s actions, and avoiding his mom. I may be an a**hole for not trying to communicate it better, and avoiding her in general. I may be the a**hole for ruining their family events. I may be the a**hole for many reasons someone else could see.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You know you can walk away from this relationship, right? This is only the beginning. It’s only gonna get worse, wedding, babies….” ~ trekgirl75
“‘You marry the family’ is a true statement.” ~ AffectionateJump6669
“I’d be super pissed off if my significant other were such a pushover. NTA.” ~ 3bag
“I was once engaged to a man with an ‘assertive’ mom. It was never going to get better.” ~ itsnotlikewereforkin
“At this point, she needs to be judging the boyfriend.”
“It is entirely possible his reaction is, ‘Yeah they are abusive a**holes. I was nervous about this entire thing. Halp’.”
“If he is self-aware, if he is open to solutions, stick with him. Most people lack self-awareness.
“If he is making excuses for her, run. Let him be someone else’s problem.” ~ Familiar-Banana-8116
“Yes, he stood up for you once, but how many attacks did you have to take before he did? If you stay, this is exactly how the rest of your relationship will go.”
“There is a chance he does choose you, but then he will lose his family, and you don’t want to be the person standing between them, especially if this is how his mother always acts.” ~ ThisIs_americunt
“My ex-husband’s family never liked me. It became an issue over time because, during holidays, I chose to hang out with my family instead of his. They also smoked like chimneys, and I just couldn’t be around it.”
“One of the many reasons we shouldn’t have been married…” ~ kathatter75
“NTA. If your BF is hurt that you won’t come to the family events, then he should have a conversation with his mom about why she’s alienating and insulting his girlfriend.”
“Look here, Op. Your BF is a sh*t man. Your BF’s mom is a sh*t mom. Is this the in-law family that you want?” ~ analogascension
“Why does your boyfriend keep taking you around people who comfortably and openly disrespect you?”
“You’re NTA, but the same can’t be said for him and his mother.” ~ bella_bells19
“NTA. Assertiveness? No. His mother is bad-mannered and rude. Not assertive. Your boyfriend can aim his hurt feelings towards the person who made the situation untenable.”
“His poorly raised mother. If not, you may need to rethink this relationship. My husband would never allow his mother to call me names, ever.”
“Protecting your partner is the bare minimum of relationship standards. Your boyfriend is falling short of the bare minimum.” ~ Panaccolade
“Is your boyfriend so enmeshed with his mother that he approves of her calling you a b*tch in public? If so, you have a boyfriend problem. He should be defending and protecting you, not whining that you don’t want to be around his horrible mother.” ~ Sassy-Peanut
“NTA. Unfortunately, I don’t see a healthy long-term future here. It’ll end up in ultimatums from one side or the other, which is a lose-lose situation no matter what.” ~ frightful_zoo28
“NTA Do you even want to be there? Then don’t go. His mom ruined it. Don’t let him put that weight on you.”
“I have an ‘assertive’ mother. What BF needed to have done was cut Mom off before she started. ‘Don’t talk sh*t about my date or myself to my date. I like her, and I want her not to avoid us.”
“This has been a discussion with my mother. My guest shouldn’t have to deal with ‘assertiveness’ or anything else but being hospitable.”
“And that wasn’t an apology. That was an excuse.” ~ AffectionateJump6669
“NTA – if he cared about you he wouldn’t be trying to get you to go around nasty people who don’t like you. Wtf did she mean she’ll have to stop calling you a b*tch because beef is not your preference.”
“What was her assumption before? That your hindu? Do you have alpha-gal syndrome? What about not eating beef would make you a b*tch?”
“I would re-evaluate this whole relationship. Is it worth this hassle and stress?” ~ ScopeIsDope
“NTA – You sound like a gentle person. I don’t think this relationship will last long term. I’m glad your bf said something to his mother, but unless he puts his foot down hard, this is your future, and she will make sure to constantly tell you how you don’t fit in/ aren’t good enough.”
“Imagine having kids and this lady putting you down for everything she perceives as you doing wrong.”
“If you really want to make the relationship work, next time this happens call her out, loudly but calmly, and watch how your bf reacts. That will tell you everything you need to know about what a future with him looks like.” ~ Queen_of_Thorne
“NTA, but you might have a boyfriend problem. If he is OK with continuing to see his family when they insult you, it is going to become an issue eventually. Stop seeing them temporarily fix the problem.”
“But if you have children with him and he takes said children to see the woman who insults you and talks badly to your back, how does that work? It doesn’t.”
“Honestly, I would tell her, ‘I don’t have a problem with your assertiveness, I have a problem with you insulting me and making up things about me. If tou tell lies about me, you are not being assertive, you are being a B’.”
“And see how see reacts to you being assertive. Your boyfriend’s reaction to you calling her out in public would tell you if there is a future for your relationship. If he defends his mother, I don’t think it would work.” ~ Vvendetadlcemc
“He’s just a boyfriend; the easiest thing to do is to dump him.”
“Honestly the number of stories online from women with a**hole mother-in-laws 5, 10, 15, however many years down the line when kids are involved and finances are co-mingled etc… because nothing ever changed and it could have all been avoided had they just moved on the first time MIL let her bullsh*t show.”
“Why will women never learn from those who went before them? YTA if you don’t see this for what it is. It’s either the thing you talk about in therapy that never changed and ruined your marriage/ relationship, or it’s the reason you walked away and found something better.” ~ Trekunderthemoon
“NTA, your boyfriend needs to properly support you, and the way his mom acts is just gonna drive you away and any future partners he might have.”
“She’s not assertive, saying she’s been calling you a ‘b*tch’ all this time for something she could have easily asked you about is just malicious behavior.” ~ Educational-Bag8846
As many pointed out, the OP needs to decide if the relationship is worth the hassle.
She’ll either need to put up with his mother’s behavior or confront her about it.