Redditor throwaway28716374 recently moved in with her boyfriend.
New living arrangements typically bring out some discord, but for the Original Poster (OP) this discord is next level.
The OP has a long commute to and from work every day, and on top of that she has daily chores.
Her boyfriend, on the other hand, gets 14 hours of sleep a day between his night routine and his daily naps.
This sleep schedule precludes the OP’s boyfriend from doing more with the daily chores, leaving the OP at her wits end.
Recently she turned to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for asking my boyfriend to skip his afternoon nap.”
She went on to explain:
“I’m [26-year-old Female], he’s [30-year-old Male]. We’ve been dating for 3 years but just moved in together 6 months ago.”
“I have felt crazy busy since moving in together.”
“I work outside of the house, commute for an hour a day, and I’m going to school part time to try and get a better job, so my schedule is already packed…”
“…but since moving in together it feels like my time spent doing chores has almost doubled.”
“I talked with my boyfriend about this hoping that we could come up with a reasonable chore schedule, but he’s adamant that he’s doing as much as he has the capacity to do.”
“Something else I’ve noticed since moving in together is that he takes a nap from 4pm-8pm daily. He otherwise sleeps through the night usually 1am-10am, but that afternoon nap is like clockwork.”
“Long story short, I told him that he is getting 14-15 hours of sleep every day, and that he can start making more time to help around the house by even shortening that nap.”
“I don’t even think that amount of sleep is healthy. But he insists it’s a necessary part of his day and that I’m crossing a boundary by suggested that he not nap.”
“AITA??”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA”
“He is getting nearly double the recommended amount of sleep needed by the average adult on a daily basis.”
“If he literally cannot function without that much sleep (he’s asleep more hours than he’s awake) it’s time he visited a sleep clinic.”
“Does he even have a job that works around that sleeping schedule? He is TA for being selfish with his time and not taking equal share of the household chores.” – Doktor_Seagull
“NTA”
“How is this man working full time if he spends this much of the day asleep? This is not normal. He should see a doctor. “
“If he honestly does require 15 hours of sleep a day, you’re going to assume the role of his caretaker if you stay with him.”
“Sleeping that much simply does not allow him the time to handle a fair share of the household responsibilities and have a career.”
“I think Y W B T A to yourself if you don’t seriously consider whether you want to sign up to be this man’s caretaker before continuing this relationship.”
“Your BF doesn’t understand what a ‘boundary’ is.” – CalamityClambake
“NTA, sleeping 4-8 is not napping, and I suggest you move back out if he’s unwilling to share why a grownazz man is sleeping so much and unwilling to make an effort to allocate chores equally.”
“Did you not notice his sleeping habits before moving in? Who kept his place habitable before you moved in – did he just stop because you’re there?”
“If so, he’s just looking for a housekeeper with benefits. What shift does he work and is his work affected if he doesn’t sleep so much?”
“These are questions I think you would not be crossing boundaries for weighing the answers, and if after a discussion with him you learn there is no medically documented reason…”
“…or he has fundamentally different household standards, you know what to do.” – Lhamo55
“14-15 hours of sleep every day”
“Nobody needs that much sleep outside having a diagnosed medical condition having a possible need for a diagnosis on a medical condition.”
“You say he sleeps soundly through the night, so insomnia isn’t the issue here.”
“NTA. If he can’t do his share of the chores, he shouldn’t be living with someone else. Either he pitches in, or he moves out.”
“Editing because, as people have pointed out – just because it’s not been diagnosed, doesn’t mean there isn’t one present.”
“It does not sound like OP’s BF has taken any steps to get a diagnosis, however.” – Discount_Mithral
“How do you date someone for 3 years and not know they need 12+ hours a day of sleep? You don’t.”
“He’s either lying to you about his health or recently developed a new health condition. Grown adults don’t require the same amount, if not more, sleep than a toddler.”
“NTA. And if he won’t give you help with the chores, have him write you a check for hiring a maid for his share.” – adventuresofViolet
“NTA. He expects you to be his unpaid housekeeper, and has no intention of changing.”
“If you don’t want to be tired and exploited, you need to go back to the two of you not living together, because he’s not willing to do his share.” – mifflewhat
“I was sleeping 15-18 hrs a day when i got diagnosed with hypothyroidism.”
“I just felt tired, that was it. I would come from uni around 3-4 pm, sleep until 6-7 pm, go out and meet friends sometimes 1-2 hrs and back to sleep latest at 11pm.”
“Would wake up 7am and repeat. My mom was asking me if i’m pregnant at that point.”
“I went to talk to a gynecologist at the hospital because i was having PCOS symptoms and she looked at my thyroid with the Eco machine and was like i know you have problems with it…”
“…go to your primary doctor and tell him to make you take this tests.”
“Turns out i was having a flare up and the results were so bad that the machine came back with an error because the measurements were too high for the machine to measure.”
“Nobody is TA here until your partner gets checked.” – silv1377
“NTA. A 4 hour nap everyday for somebody that also sleeps all night is ridiculous.”
“I could see an hour if he has a physically demanding job, but he needs to get off his rear and help out.” – MurphysLaw4200
“NTA”
“So, he’s sleeping for 14-15 hours a day, and during those hours he’s awake, he’s making enough mess to have doubled your chore load?”
“Did you move in with an adult or an unsupervised toddler?” – PurpleMarsAlien
“‘crossing a boundary by suggesting he not nap’ good god give the baby his soother already”
“A) that is not a boundary. That is not what boundaries look like.”
“B) Fine. You won’t dictate his sleep schedule, because you are grownups, and he will also pull his weight round the home. Because You Are Grownups.”
“You will probably have to dump the baby. Sorry.” – WindowPixie
“Thats not normal.”
“If he’s actually sleeping 14-15 hours per day he should see a doctor.”
“‘since moving in together it feels like my time spent doing chores has almost doubled.'”
“Stop.”
“My rough rule of thumb is that rather than focus on time spent doing chores, the fair way is to split ‘work effort’. In your case I’d include your schooling in your work effort.”
“So like if you spend 12 hours per day doing all your stuff, he spends 8 doing his, and chores take 6 hours per day (god I need to stretch to make this work).”
“Then you doing 1 hour of chores, and him doing 5 hours of chores means you’re both doing 13 hours of work effort.”
“That said, if he doesnt care…well part of moving in together is using it as a chance to find out if you’re compatible. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible.”
“Thats sad, but now you know you can make decisions based on that knowledge.” – shontsu
“Info: Does he agree the chores need to be reallocated and just doesnt want to give up his nap or is he outright refusing to do anymore sorry if im not understanding that part right just want clarification”
“NTA chores do need to be spread equally among partners living together or even just roommates he needs to be willing to compromise some of his ample 4 hour nap…”
“…to do some chores even if its not the whole nap time given up there’s gotta be something that both of yall can agree on for how to get it done.” – KermitKreme
“NTA.”
“I married a man like this. And guess what happens when there are life changes like moving, emergencies, a new baby, a sick child?!”
“He still made sure to get his naps, long, restful nights sleep and quiet time as I pulled all nighters to hold things together.”
“When I had our son by c-section he brought noise canceling headphones, a weighted blanket and an eye mask. He refused to help me get to the restroom or tend to the newborn as I recovered.”
“The nurses couldn’t hide their disgust. One of them felt so bad that she camped out in my room so I could get sleep. She helped me shower and was overall just there for me.”
“He slept the entire night, woke up and asked where he could order breakfast.”
“When we brought the baby home, he would sleep 15 hours, wake up, yawn, stretch, glance over at me with dark circles under my eyes and crying newborn and say I’m going to bed early tonight’.”
“The reality: Your bf may have an underlying health issue, sleep apnea, anemia, depression or something else that should be checked out.”
“It could be something out of his control or he just is someone who prioritizes himself above all.”
“Which is not terrible as a single person, but in my case, I married an inattentive father and horrible partner.”
“I know I describe him as a total AH, but surprisingly, all of our issues surrounded his need to be constantly sleeping or relaxing. We are now divorced.”
“When we were dating and engaged I didn’t pick up on this as much, as life was busy and hectic – but when we moved in together and I had a closer look on his minute to minute…”
“It eventually hit me like a ton of bricks. He was able to mask this behavior for a long time by having a cleaning service, laundry service, paid a neighbor kid to take out the trash and recycling…”
“…paid another neighbor teenager to grocery shop and run errands, etc. He blamed it on long hours working on projects with deadlines and early morning gym trips to explain why he was tired.”
“I thought he was extremely disciplined, when in fact he was the laziest person I’d ever met.”
“It wasn’t until the pandemic, getting married, moving in together and getting pregnant that I finally realized the truth. He could no longer hide it!”
“I ended up on bedrest while pregnant and discovered that he did zero chores, outsourced nearly everything, lied about working out, did minimal work and napped all day.”
“He had a high paying cushy remote job and literally logged in for 1-2 meetings daily and slept the rest of the day. I didn’t realize this until I moved in.”
“I had a long hospital (3 months) stay during my pregnancy, I returned home to what I describe as a ‘sh*t show’.”
“He had let the house and yard go to crap, had not done laundry, every dish in the house was filthy, food rotting in the fridge, not even water in the house to drink.”
“All of the baby things I had bought were opened and strewn all over the house. He had stopped checking the mail, so several things were returned to sender.”
“The garage was full or garbage that he couldn’t take out to the curb. I immediately had a panic and ended up back in the hospital.”
“Please follow up on this before you tie your life to this man. In my case, all medical things were ruled out with him. He was just lazy af.”
“Once covid restrictions let up, he was able to outsource most things again and live better but i had already seen the truth.” – Due-Time-8151
Sounds like a doctor’s appointment needs to be set up.