While we may share some values and interests with our loved ones, each of us is going to have our own personal list of items that we like to spend money on, and no two lists are going to look exactly the same.
When someone tries to control what their partner spends their money on, that’s an immediate call for concern, considering the potential for financial abuse, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor EnvironmentalNo536 was looking forward to attending a wedding as a plus-one alongside her boyfriend, who she had been dating for nearly a year.
But when he not only demanded that she split the cost of the wedding present with him but also became angry that she had reservations about that expenditure, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to think.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting to contribute to a wedding gift?”
The OP was attending a wedding as a plus-one with her boyfriend.
“My boyfriend (25 Male) of 11 months is taking me (22 Female) to his sister’s best friend’s wedding this Saturday.”
“He just brought up that we need to bring a gift and said he was thinking of just putting $150 in a card. He also said we should split it, so we’d both pay $75 each.”
The OP had reservations about the wedding gift.
“I’ve never met this person. I rebutted that I can contribute $50 and he can do the $100.”
“I live on my own, while he still lives at home with his parents.”
The OP was surprised by her boyfriend’s reaction.
“He was upset and said we should really split the gift 50/50.”
“Now I’m kind of upset for not wanting to contribute to the wedding gift. It makes me feel cheap.”
“What should I do?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was the responsibility of the guest to provide the gift.
“NTA. 50 dollars is being generous on your part. I would do that or nothing. If he makes a big deal out of it, don’t go to the wedding.” – Fatt3stAveng3r
“NTA, he’s technically the guest, and you are the plus one anyways, so it’s on him to handle the gift. Plus, you’re willing to contribute 50 dollars, which is fine.” – lazygirl6294
“The few times I have been a plus one, I have never been asked to contribute to any wedding gift. That was handled solely by the invited guest.”
“I call bulls**t. And your offer was BEYOND generous.”
“NTA.” – 2dogslife
“NTA. Any time I’ve been a plus one for a wedding, the other person is in charge of the gift since it’s their friend/family member. If I’m bringing a plus one, I’m in charge of the gift.”
“I went to a wedding two weeks ago with my husband for one of my friends. He’s met them and likes them. I still did the gift out of my budget because they’re my friend.”
“If it was someone we both knew more equally, then yeah, we’d split it.” – somethingclever1712
“NTA. I would tell him you would love to be his date, but he is responsible for the gift himself. If that is a problem, you’d prefer to stay home and watch Netflix and drink wine.” – Kashaya72
“NTA. Has he ever bought presents for your friends whose birthdays he’s attended? There’s a stage where partners begin bringing like their significant other’s important people gifts.”
“If you’ve reached that stage, like say if he’s given your mother or sibling a gift or something like that, then yeah, I can see it. But if you are not there yet, then this is not the place to start.”
“Like being invited to his sister’s birthday dinner would bring a card and some sort of gift or something like that.”
“Until then, unless money is totally not an issue, It’s the person whose connection is the gift responsibility.”
“I went in on a couple of the early couple gifts with my partner when we started dating.”
“Any thank yous were just to him and not me. Kind of made me salty. But anyway.” – PicklesMcpickle
Others agreed and wondered if the OP had wandered into Red Flag territory.
“He’s the guest. You’re his plus one.”
“It’s his sister’s best friend.”
“He decided on the gift. He pays.”
“There’s a bigger issue here. He’s made an unreasonable and unfair request.”
“You refused but have offered a compromise, taking your extenuating circumstances into account.”
“He’s refused to consider that, and not only, is upset that you would suggest it.”
“Keep your eye on this one, OP. He’s showing you who he is.”
“NTA.” – SassyPieHole371
“You haven’t even met this person. Why is he expecting you to pay for a gift that is basically for a stranger to you?”
“Don’t even agree to pay a single dollar. Explain to him how dumb this sounds from your point of view. If he still whines about it, then I’d take a step back and reconsider the relationship.” – Single_Cookie_7915
“You should tell him to have a good time at the wedding, but you won’t be attending.”
“In no universe is it appropriate for your boyfriend to ask you to subsidize a gift to someone who’s a complete stranger to you. And it’s even more inappropriate for him to double down after being told no.”
“Are you sure you want to continue this relationship?”
“NTA.” – 5footfilly
“Sounds like your boyfriend is a cheapskate. He wants you to fund half of a gift to a person you’ve never met? What if he had decided to give say, $1000? And then demanded you pony up $500?”
“This is at least a yellow flag. You’ve only been with him for 11 months.” – Ecks54
“NAH. Usually, you’d split the cost, but the fact that you don’t have any relationship with the people who are being married makes your suggestion reasonable. I would have understood if you’d refused entirely because he was the person invited. You’re just the plus one.”
“The real question for both you and your boyfriend is whether the 25 dollars is worth arguing over.” – HunterGreenLeaves
“NTA. You don’t have the money. He’s being rather presumptuous in thinking that you should contribute anything to ‘his sister’s best friend.’ That’s a rather distant relationship.” – Individual_Ad_9213
“He’s trying to spend your money, which is 100% yours to budget. He additionally may or may not understand how much living with parents subsidizes his reality and that your money is not as ‘free’ as his money.”
“Either way, no, he can give what he wants, of his own funds. You’re going for him, not for the couple, any gifts are his as the one who was invited.”
“NTA, but if this is the first time, I’d let him know that he needs to check any expectations about your spending. If it happens again, strike two, and at the third time, assume that he feels like he is owed your money, and it will be a debate every dang time.” – Steamedfrog
“NTA. You just found out why he invited you to the wedding.” – MissK2421
“Gurl… You’ve been dating for 11 months, and not only does he expect you to pay half for an expensive gift for people you don’t know, he is p**sed about a GENEROUS compromise.”
“Imagine living with a guy like this? ‘Babe, I want a new car, and since sometimes I take you out for dinner and we use it to get there, you should pay half the payments.'”
“Yes, that’s a ridiculous example, but no more ridiculous than your current reality…”
“Best you make sure y’all are on the same page when it comes to financial responsibility before going further… though your boyfriend seems to be not even in the same BOOK at the moment.”
“NTA.” – GreenEyedMojo
But some pointed out that giving a gift at a wedding was a kind gesture.
“YTA. Imagine going to a wedding, eating, drinking, and being entertained, and not wanting to give a gift.”
“You think you’re doing them a favor by you attending? Sheesh, entitled!” – silver_sailer
“YTA. The couple is paying for you to have a plate and spot in this wedding. It’s expected that you give a somewhat substantial gift in exchange for this.” – Kyloben4848
“I think it depends on where you live. My mum taught me, it’s $50 for your plate, then $50 for your gift. So, my husband and I follow that and gift $150 when we are both invited to a wedding. Thankfully we only have a few, close friends!”
“But when we first started dating, the ‘plus one’ NEVER contributed to this because they barely knew the bridal couple! Definitely NTA, your compromise was a lovely offer.” – DgShwgrl
“NTA. In my opinion, if you attend the wedding as a guest, it’s appropriate to contribute a gift that’s at least equal to the value of what it cost the newlyweds for you to be there.”
“50 dollars sounds like more than a reasonable contribution for someone as far removed from you as your boyfriend’s sister’s friend. If your boyfriend wants to do more because he’s closer to this person, that’s on him.”
“Oh, and when I say the cost of you being there, I mean the food and beverages. Like, if it’s a 50 dollars per person’s dinner, I would use 50 dollars as my minimum for a gift.” – Emergency_Ad_5935
While there were a few Redditors who believed it was important to give a gift at any wedding they attended, no matter how they knew the happy couple, as a simple courtesy, most of the subReddit could understand the OP’s hesitation.
They reassured her that not only was she not obligated to give a gift to people she had never met, but her boyfriend’s reaction to her generous rebuttal offer spoke volumes about how their relationship potentially could look in another few months.