When your mother told you to clean your room as a child, did you just shove things under the bed and sweep the food crumbs under the rug?
Kids can get away with such sneaky behavior.
But some misfits grow up and continue with their laziness well into their adulthood. Redditor Scuzzy_Penguin was not having any of that when she realized her boyfriend didn't outgrow his childhood habits.
She unloaded her frustration on the Relationship Advice subReddit and wrote:
"I JUST discovered that my boyfriend deliberately folds up empty snack/trash/garbage and TUCKS IT INTO MY COUCH!"
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"This is really freaking me out. Now, I am currently a bit tipsy and am posting this because my Google search has failed me, or I have probably failed it by my absurd question phrasing, but I have been noticing for the past year that cleaning out my couch has been the Olympic event of my 2020."
"I have swept out crumbs, vacuumed relentless snacks and missing food, as well as removing never ending garbage from food wrappers to empty snack cakes, chip bags, etc. I never thought any of it was intentional."
"I guess I have to admit that before my boyfriend and I were dating, he was a bit of a slob. However when I demanded clean he would make it happen."
"I always chalked it up to laziness which I cannot penalize him for because dishes are the bane of my existence. His truck was always a mess though he did a good clean at least once a month. I just figured as a bachelor he was living his best life without anyone else to care about until he needed it."
"So back to the dilemma, I reached into the couch looking deeply for my remote control and found a folded neatly and tucked deeply empty chip bag, which we have not had those chips in the house for about 2 months now. Anytime before this I always assumed that his high as** just left empty wrappers on the couch and they found their futures tucked between my cushions."
"Seriously, it happened more often than not in our house from personal experiece. I may not have approached the situation with the proper technique considering I am many beers into my night, but when I confronted him as politely as I could muster, he avoided the question then yelled at me for being drunk and trying to start a fight."
"I asked him a few more times and all I got was, 'Yeah sure I am just crazy!' And then accused again of being drunk and wanting to fight. I told him I would bring it up again in the morning sober and he 'took the dare.' He is still completely avoiding my question as to just simply... why?"
"Why would anyone have this behavior or what in their past would create this behavior? I am so sure I embarrassed him but I feel freaking played cleaning up his out of sight mess over and over and knowing this was never normal behavior? Has anyone ever experienced a situation and coped with it?"
"Or maybe some advice to ask about the root of the situation? I want to describe it as a problem but I know how that feels. Can anyone chime in to just give me a little insight?"
"I have never been with anyone like this before and I am afraid that it confirms my suspicion of him literally being a lazy slob to his own environment. My mother taught me everything from proper hygiene to the most specific and best cleaning supplies for every inch of my homes living on my own. How can I approach this with ease and way less shaming? <3"
Strangers on the internet offered suggestions and opinions on her boyfriend.
"This is how you get pests and rodent infestations."
"Is he your bf or your son? He's old enough to clean up after himself without copping an attitude."
"Ask yourself if you are okay with cleaning up after him for the foreseeable future. This behavior is unlikely to change considering he was like this before you were dating and based on his reaction." – BlewOffMyLegOff
The OP confirmed:
"Oh we have terrible rodent and infestations which again I have never had problems with before. He is also a contractor... I already know these people were never my type and which is why they have a deep coexisting relationship with this sort of problems. It is so common it is unimportant. <3"
When a Redditor commented that the rodent problem would be enough for them to end a relationship, the OP wrote:
"Well the house we moved into together has not been occupied for about 7 years and then we moved in about 3 years ago now. I WORKED MY EFFING ASS OFF to curve my rodent problem and I have that pretty much handled."
"However. I also now realize that I am now the one only taking out the garbage unless I force him to do it. Days of it sitting there... either I do it or have to pretty much bitch until I get him to do this one most TEDIOUS thing for him. <3"
Not all contractors are wired the same.
"I'm a contractor as well and I never in my life acted like I was a 5 year old boy. He is childish and needs to grow up."
"I would tell him either he changes and cleans up after himself or he need to move out." – Str8goodz30
"He's a slob and he does it because he knows you'll play Merry Maid and clean it, so why should he?"
"I had this scenario... I was a housekeeper in multi million dollar homes. The one house I cleaned, each week I'd find dried up, snotty tissues stuffed in between cushions on every couch. I found at least 25 each week."
"Why would multi millionaires be so filthy? Because 'The Help' takes care of that. Same reason they'd leave a large bowel movement in the toilet to fester and dry to for ceramic... that's something The Help is to take care of. Your boyfriend sees you as The Help." – elisabeth_hudson
"THIS! He's also gaslighting op. I say op should DUMP HIS A**. Especially since they mentioned in other comments that the house has rodents and sh*t. OP, YOU ARE NOT HIS MAID!!" – ArtNerdSarah
"Shame can be useful if it motivates positive change. Clearly this guy has no sense of cleaning up after himself unless Mommy says so."
"Guess what that makes you? You need to make it clear to him how disgusting this habit is, not only for health and hygiene concerns, but also because it's so childish that no grown man should do this." – xoticd
The OP responded:
"The most horrible part is that he is almost a decade older than me and all I am to him most of the time is his young and naive girlfriend who has not lived as much life as him. Again this is not normal behavior, and I am sure as hell old enough to know that. <3"
Many of the Redditors said that the boyfriend either needs to clean up his act or the OP needs to leave him for someone who is not as irresponsible.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.