Planning wedding details can take a lot of time and precision.
Every aspect is important to the newlyweds.
One of the most sacred details is the bride's dress.
So many brides spend years planning and designing.
So oftentimes, they are not looking for someone to take over the final choice.
Redditor MooreKittens wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to try on the wedding dress my mom bought me without asking?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28 F[emale]) recently got engaged and was excited to pick out my wedding dress — something I've always looked forward to doing myself."
"My mom (56 F) took it upon herself to buy a wedding dress for me."
"She never asked me to 'go shopping together' or 'send me ideas.'"
"She literally went out, bought a dress she liked, and then put it in my closet without saying anything."
"I just found it one day while getting something else — no conversation, no heads-up, just a dress hanging there."
"It's nothing like what I would've chosen for myself."
"It's super traditional, big, poufy, very 'princess bride' — and just… not me."
"She never asked what I liked, what styles I was thinking about, or if I even wanted help."
"I feel hurt that she didn't involve me at all."
"Now she's upset I haven't tried it on and says I'm being ungrateful."
"My family is saying I should just try it on to make her happy, but it feels like she made a big decision about my wedding without me."
"She let my two older sisters have their wedding dress moments, and she didn't even bother to ask me what I wanted."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing to try it on?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. For many brides, picking 'the dress' is a big moment."
"It's totally normal to want that."
"Your mom is controlling."
"There's a certain type of controlling/abusive/unsafe person who uses gifts for control."
"So this is the parent who will throw their child a lavish princess party when their kid wanted a dog-themed party instead."
"It's particularly insidious and hard to deal with because, on the surface, what the other person is doing can seem very generous, and the recipient can seem ungrateful."
"Because, hey it was a great party or a free wedding dress."
"Who wouldn't want that?"
"To observers, the recipient often seems ungrateful or greedy because they don't see the bigger pattern and don't understand what's really going on."
"Hold firm."
"I'd recommend profusely thanking your mom for the dress, but that you'd always dreamed of trying on wedding dresses and picking 'the one' yourself."
"Anything she hits you with 'but I paid for it, you'd make so so happy,' etc, hit her with a combination of 'yes, but I'm still doing ...'"
"It tends to confuse people when you use the affirmative and then also deny them." ~ Reading4LifeForever
"She has a shopping addiction."
"There's the kicker."
"This is WAY deeper than an unexpected wedding dress—although weddings truly do bring out the worst in some people."
"Obviously NTA, this is unhinged behavior."
"The fact that other family members are encouraging you to just accept the dress is enabling AF."
"It's even sort of telling that she didn't mention it, isn't it?"
"She must know, on some level, that it wasn't something you wanted."
"Tell her you have no idea why she bought this dress and you don't care what she does with it, but this is not the dress you are wearing, nor is it the experience you're going to have to acquire your wedding dress."
"Since you say you're not financially dependent on her, that means she's not paying for the wedding either, right?"
"No contribution = no opinion."
"Then I agree, you carry on as if this dress doesn't exist."
"And I would seriously consider not inviting her on any dress shopping trips you might undertake because this dress is all you'll hear about."
"Fingers crossed, this is the end of it, and she doesn't bring it to the venue on the day off and try to coerce you into wearing it, or (even worse) show up wearing it herself." ~ always_unplugged
"NTA. Go to the thrift store and pick out a hideous mother-of-the-bride dress - put it in her closet." ~ Interesting_You_2315
"NTA. Sell or donate the dress and go have your wedding dress moment where you buy a dress you actually like and that's in your style."
"Tell mum, and anyone else having a go, that it's your wedding, and you have the right to choose your own dress, not be forced into a dress that clearly isn't your style that you had zero say in just because someone who isn't getting married and has no say wants you to."
"Refuse to discuss it further."
"Talk to your partner about all this, as well. Make it clear that this wedding should be full of the things the two of you want, not what others think you should want, and your mum gets zero say from now on."
"You need a united front to keep this day about the two of you and what you want and prevent it being hijacked by your mother or anyone else until it becomes a day you both hate." ~ WhiteKnightPrimal
"You might want to consider changing the locks to your home so that she can't just drop by and hang things in your closet."
"Plus, you are 28."
"I'd just hand the dress back and continue on with your plan to go dress shopping. NTA." ~ LowBalance4404
"NTA. While she might have 'meant' well, the reality is it is a HUGE overstep on her part--something that if she has any social awareness at all she would know."
"And frankly, I'm not convinced she meant well to begin with."
"It comes across as a huge control grab on her part... either that or she wants to start a fight."
"You have no obligation to make her 'happy' about this."
"It will only encourage more stupid (or, more likely, deliberately bad) behavior."
"Give it away and get your own."
"And best wishes for your wedding." ~ VariousTry4624
"NTA. Is your mom always like this?"
"Because that is some next-level weird behavior."
"Boundary setting sounds like it's going to be absolutely key in the run-up to the wedding."
"Plus passwords, etc." ~ ProfessorDistinct835
"There is NO F**KING WAY this is the first time your mom has acted like this."
"I would bet good money that people in the family have been enabling this behavior for years instead of setting boundaries/spraying her with a water bottle like they should have done."
"It won't be easy, but dig in your heels or she will take over your entire wedding and eventually your life. NTA." ~ jennyfromtheeblock
"NTA. Put HER dress in HER closet, and don't say anything."
"Then, go out with and find YOUR dress (and then put it in a safe place she can't access because I am suspicious of her motives)."
"You could also just sell the dress she bought and purchase something you like with the money."
"Both are good options. Neither makes you the problem here."
"I would make sure to password-protect all vendors and whatnot going forward."
"Your mom doesn't appear to care about what you want at all, and I fear she will start changing things behind your back."
"Best of luck!!!" ~ alwaystucknroll
"NTA. Just give her her dress back and book an appt to try some on yourself."
"'Mom you left this in my closet for some reason, here you go! No, I haven't chosen a dress yet so it's not mine.'"
"Also, change your locks."
"Your mom doesn't need access to your home." ~ Bittybellie
"NTA. A wedding dress is a personal choice, not something someone can 'pick up' for another person."
"Did your grandmother purchase your mom's dress without your consent?"
"Seems like you need to sit your mom down and have a conversation setting very good boundaries." ~ MaeSilver909
"If you gave in and tried it on to make her happy, she'd immediately move on to the next thing about your wedding that she wants to control if you give a mouse a cookie style."
"Give her back the dress and tell her you'll find your own. NTA." ~ GothPenguin
"NTA. Give it back to her and go shopping for your dress with friends."
"Block the drama out."
"Tell your Mom she can wear the dress." ~ CSurvivor9
"NTA. Your mother is WAY out of line."
"How dare she take it upon herself to decide what dress you will wear on your wedding day."
"You don't have to be grateful."
"Your mum is making this all about herself and has zero respect or consideration for you."
"Don't try it on."
"It would hang in the cupboard until the end of days before I'd even acknowledge the dress let alone try it on." ~ RocknRight
"NTA. Reminds me of my prom, my mom picked my dress for me while I was in the store crying... bawling my eyes out, she didn't care, and neither did the salesperson."
"She made me wear it to prom, I hated that night."
"I hate looking at the pictures."
"You're NTA."
"Get your own damn dress, you don't owe her trying a dress on either."
"That's just crazy." ~ holomaiden
"NTA. The dress is a manipulation tactic."
"An unwanted 'gift' that is intended to OBLIGATE you to do what you do not want to do."
"Your mom will claim she put in so much effort and money that YOU OWE her compliance."
"For that reason, I wouldn't consider trying it on."
"You can return HER dress to your mom and make sure in the future she can't access your home as she did."
"You need firmer boundaries with her."
"Less access to your home, details of your wedding plans, details about your relationship and personal life." ~ curiousity60
"NTA... it is not rude to respectfully reject a gift."
"Tell her exactly what you told us."
"It's not your style and you'd like to have the dress shopping experience yourself, just like your sister's did."
"Ask her to return it, and come with you to look at dresses."
"If she makes a big deal out of it, she's the big AH."
"Do not let others bully you into a less ideal wedding day!" ~ Suitable_cataclysm
"This is really bizarre behavior."
"Is your mother mentally well?"
"Has there been a recent pattern of unexplainable behavior?"
"I genuinely cannot wrap my head around how a sane person in full possession of their faculties would take all of the steps that were involved in this action and at no point realize that it's super disrespectful and rude."
"If I were you, I would put the dress on, take a selfie, and send it in a group text to my mom and fiancé asking for his thoughts on this dress my mom picked out. NTA." ~ DemureDamsel122
"Sell the dress, and put money towards buying your choice."
"Don't explain to Mom, just do it."
"She didn't care about your feelings, just money."
"You are NTA."
"For sending the same energy back." ~ desertboots
OP came back with an update...
"I see a lot of comments about me changing my lock, but I wanted to clarify that I found this wedding dress in my childhood closet at my parents' house."
"They kept all our rooms the same, so sometimes I store clothes that don't fit me in there."
"That is when I found the wedding dress my mom intended for me."
"For everyone asking about the cost..."
"I actually don't know how much the dress cost."
"I didn't ask, and honestly, I didn't want to know.
"The dress isn't my style at all, and I'd probably be horrified to find out how much was spent on something I had no say in and didn't even like."
"Based on how my mom usually shops, I wouldn't be surprised if it was over $500-$1000, but again — this whole situation isn't really about the price tag."
"It's about not being included in a personal decision and feeling like my preferences didn't matter."
Reddit understands your plight, OP.
Your Mom overstepped.
Ok, maybe she had the best of intentions.
In the end, you owe her nothing.
Focus on your future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp