Most weddings require a lot of planning and coordination, especially if you want everyone in your family in attendance.
It can be wonderful when the whole family manages to attend.
What a great opportunity to catch up on each others lives and spend time together while celebrating the happy couple.
But as long as everyone is there, is it OK to piggyback your own unrelated event on the day after the wedding?
Does it make a difference if the unrelated event is more spectacular than the wedding held the day before and if the bride and groom are in attendance?
A mother who decided to take advantage of the opportunity au wedding presented to throw a lavish 5th birthday garden party for her daughter turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment after the bride called it disrespectful.
“AITA for ‘outshining’ my sister-in-law’s wedding by throwing an extravagant birthday party for my 5-year-old daughter a day after?”
The original poster explained:
“Sister-in-law (SIL) and most of her family are upset with me because of a recent situation. My brother got married with SIL at a small church by our house.”
“My daughter’s birthday was the day right after and it was perfect because all the family was in town anyways for the wedding.”
“My husband is a surgeon and he loves to spoil our daughters and I love planning parties so I booked a really nice garden venue and made it a princess carnival theme for all the kids and adults to enjoy together.”
“It was a beautiful event but towards the end of it, I got pulled into the bathroom where SIL was upset and crying saying a 5-year-old outshone her wedding.”
“Then she got mad at me saying it was disrespectful to schedule the birthday party near her wedding time and not talk to her about.”
“However, it’s not like I can change the day my daughter’s birthday falls on and SIL was invited to my daughter’s birthday weeks in advance so it’s not like I dropped it on her last minute.”
“I think it’s pretty crazy she’s getting jealous over a little girl but quite a few family members on her side are saying I’m in the wrong.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I threw a birthday party for my daughter a day after my SIL’s wedding.”
“This upset my SIL and her family because the birthday party was quiet extravagant and she feels like it made her wedding look bad in comparison.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were very split in their judgment of the OP with every possible ruling chosen.
Some saw no a**holes here (NAH).
“I’m guessing they can’t afford a honeymoon or can’t take one right away because of work. OP doesn’t even mention the reception just the church wedding. My guess it was simple and really not what the bride wanted but was what she could afford.”
“And the very next day when most people would be on their honeymoon they got roped into a kid’s birthday party that cost more than their wedding.”
“NAH. It’s hard seeing how much better off other people are and the life you’re probably not going to be able to give to your own kids literally the day after you made a commitment to someone you most likely want to build a family with too.” ~ mujeresliebres
“I’m sure it was also hard hearing all the oohs and ahhs from the kid’s birthday party, and not your own adult wedding.”
“I can understand why she feels sad. I don’t think OP necessarily did anything wrong, but SIL is understandable in feeling her feelings on this one.”
“Now, if it comes out that this was deliberate upstaging in a long line of competition between OP and SIL…..then that’s different. But if this is a one-time-only offense, then NAH.” ~ PurpleHooloovoo
Others felt the bride was the a**hole while the OP was not (NTA).
“Ultimately I’m gonna say NTA cuz why?? Yeah I get certain venues have certain dates but I’m thinking long term here. Is SIL always going to be competitive with her 5-year-old niece?”
“It’s technically her anniversary date at this point and it’s always goings to be compared but I can’t also feel SIL is being malicious to an extent but that’s my assumption you’d think there had to be a conversation about this especially this is her now niece.”
“You’d think OP’s brother would have said something idk how close they are but someone within the family would have said something.”
“Like think about it in 10 years they’re gonna wanna celebrate their 10 year anniversary but it’ll be close to niece’s 16th birthday or 15th and what?
“She’s gonna be pissy and jealous with that? SIL is gonna have to understand this is what she chose to have for her anniversary.” ~ TheAnnMain
“Yeah, well her daughter’s birthday was 5 years in advance. So no matter how many weeks notice they gave, they had 5 years advance notice of the birthday! NTA.” ~ tornadoshark1
“Honestly, I have a hard time relating to the ‘It’s my special day and no one else can have as good a day as me’ wedding stuff. I understand getting upset about a guest wearing white or not matching themes or when relatives act stupid at weddings.”
“But, some of this stuff is just crazy. I’ve never gotten worked up about such things myself.”
“In this situation, her special day was over. The next day was a little girl’s birthday and she wanted a princess party.”
“If you don’t want a birthday celebration next to your wedding, don’t choose the day before your niece’s birthday. They, two adults, chose their wedding date. The child didn’t choose her birthdate.”
“Were they supposed to pretend she didn’t have a birthday this year? If that woman is upset, remind her that she made the schedule.”
“Don’t let it bother you for one more second. The magic of being little is short lived.
“Your new SIL has the rest of her life to find more things to be miserable about. You only have a short time for magical princess parties. NTA.” ~ StacyB125
“Seems like everyone was available, but SIL thought her wedding was supposed to last two days. NTA, OP.” ~ freckyfresh
“NTA but op is very tacky.” ~ my_metrocard
“In SIL’s defense, I am going to say that OP put on a great party for her little one and SIL was more than anything very likely jealous that she couldn’t afford a wedding as extravagant as a 5-year-old’s birthday party.”
“Still, NTA all the way. SIL needs to get over her issues. The wedding is just a day. Yes, an important milestone, but still, it’s just a day that marks the beginning of the real event, which is the marriage.” ~ BunnySlayer64
Still others felt the exact opposite—the bride’s reaction was justified and the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“I was leaning toward N A H, but going with YTA because you seem to be missing the point—your sister-in-law is not jealous of a 5yo.”
“You married a surgeon. Cool. The fact that you bring that up when referencing this lavish party tells me that lavish parties weren’t within your reach until you married him.”
“Your parents raised you and your brother without surgeon money. Your brother probably married someone from a similar economic upbringing.”
“If they were wealthy and deliberately chose a small wedding because that was their vision of their perfect wedding, there wouldn’t be bitterness on your SIL’s side. But there is.”
“You don’t owe it to her to run your plans by her—that’s not why YTA. YTA because you’re trivializing her feelings by claiming she’s jealous of a 5yo.”
“She’s not jealous of a 5yo.”
“She’s embarrassed and ashamed that all the months (years?) of planning and preparation and politics and saving and ‘Can we afford this? Maybe we can make it work if we cut back on that…’ was blown completely out of the water (compared disfavorably by the many guests who were invited to both events) by some fun money that you didn’t even bat an eyelash about.”
“‘I love planning parties’ and you had the money to make this one happen, and will probably have the money to make years of multiple lavish birthday parties happen.”
“A wedding is the biggest and most important party most people will ever throw in their lives and your SIL will never be able to throw another one. She’s not jealous of your daughter.”
“If she’s jealous of anyone, it’s you.”
Not to mention, how much planning did your brother and SIL put into choosing a weekend with maximum availability? Did they throw a dart at a calendar and go, ‘Huh that’s the day before Niece’s birthday, oh well?’ Or did they have to consult with multiple family members for weeks until they could nail down a date?”
“That was work you didn’t have to do, because they made it happen for you.”
“Your SIL helped make your daughter’s birthday into the lovely party it was, and you are so uncomfortable with the embarrassment she got in return that you have to make up a false narrative that she’s jealous of a kindergartener.” ~ leaderclearsthelunar
“YTA. ‘Small Church’, ‘It was perfect because all of my family was in town anyways’, ‘Booked a really nive garden venue’, ‘Weeks in advance’.”
“You booked a garden venue, the day after a small wedding, then told the bride weeks in advance. You did upstage her over a 5-year-old birthday party.”
“You couldnt have done a more like traditional thing like a bowling alley? you did an extravagant garden venue? Like, WTF‽‽”
“Man. Just schedule it for the next weekend.” ~ Own_Avocado8448
“What she’s really saying is that the birthday was much more extravagant than the modest wedding. To me, this is deeply YTA territory.”
“Let the bride and groom get one weekend that’s about them. Throwing a bigger and better party the day after is cruel and selfish.”
“The kid would have been fine with something more modest, or waiting a week. This party was for the parents to show off to their family and it was deeply inconsiderate.” ~ Xineasaurus
“YTA. This wasn’t about your daughter’s birthday, it was about shifting the attention from your SIL’s one big day to yourself and your family (i.e $URGEON HU$BAND), and I’m surprised more people can’t see that.”
“Also, I doubt your SIL was jealous of a little girl. She was probably more hurt that you would have the audacity to do something like that.”
“My family throws little birthday parties all the time when everyone is together. They’re fun, low-key events and not intended to distract from the reason we’re all together in the first place.” ~ YamUnited3265
“YTA. This is a perfect example of a situation where OP is NTA as long as every person involved is a perfectly logical robot.”
“But, in reality, people aren’t logical machines. The bride and groom are obviously going to feel upstaged and ashamed that a child’s birthday party was far more lavish than their wedding. The other family members are absolutely going to be making that same comparison, because it’s inevitable.”
“And OP was aware of all of this. She knows that it will upstage the bride and groom. And she knows that everybody else will see them getting upstaged. If she wasn’t aware of this, she’s a complete lunatic.”
“I mean, it sounds like this party was weeks or months in the planning. I’m certain that there was a point where she stopped and thought, ‘Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t throw an elaborate gala the day after my less-fortunate family members are having their budget wedding?’.”
“And then she did it anyway. OP is either malicious, uncaring, or dumb.” ~ solitarybikegallery
And then there were people who felt everyone involved sucked (ESH).
“I might be the outcast here, but I’m going to go with ESH.”
“True you can’t change the date of her birthday and I’m all for you having a party that next day, but based on the wording, it sounds like it was an extravagant thing and it didn’t have to be. You could’ve just had everyone over your house or met somewhere that is typical for a 5-year-old’s party.”
“Now your SIL and brother should’ve known when her birthday is and had an opportunity to choose another date and should’ve. But I believe most people in their shoes would feel the same way.”
“To have just thrown a once in a lifetime party, their wedding, to have a five-year-old’s party being even more over the top would get on my nerves as well.”
“I feel like both sides need to apologize to each other.” ~ Scorpio-Witch27
“It might be cultural, but I never heard of a guest holding a big party the day after a wedding. It makes the wedding guests more mindful of not drinking too much or not staying up too late because they have something else to go to the day after.”
“Saying that you warned her weeks in advance, knowing that most weddings are planned months in advance, is making light of what goes behind setting up a wedding.”
“I have no interest in getting married myself, but I totally get how someone would get annoyed of having planned a whole a** wedding and the day after already people are not talking about it because something better and bigger happen.”
“Yes, it’s obnoxious and childish to be jealous of a child, but I feel that it’s not about the child’s age and more about not letting the light shine a little around the whole wedding day for a few days. You could have pushed the birthday celebrations by a week or so.”
“Anyway, I feel like y’all deserve a ESH.” ~ ChibiSailorMercury
“Actually both you and the bride are ESH.”
“The bride is for not being secure enough to appreciate and love the wedding she had, no matter the size or venue. It’s not the wedding that counts it’s the marriage.”
“You are for not thinking this through all the way. In your post you say your husband is a surgeon, which is irrelevant, but does point to the fact you have money and want people to know it.”
“Knowing your SIL had a modest big day the day before, you could have scaled down a bit on a party the child will not likely remember. It kind of sounds like you were showing off for all the family in town for the wedding.”
“It is nice to be proud that you have the means to do great things, it isn’t always nice to show it off in certain circumstances.” ~ SWGardener
Some Redditors weighed all the options and felt a case could be made for each.
“It’s all very grandiose for a five-year-old, so maybe I find the whole situation a bit tacky but I’d really be curious to know more about the SIL’s ‘small church wedding’.”
“Personally, my BIL paid travel for those who couldn’t afford it for his wedding and ended up doing a much smaller wedding because of it.”
“It would have definitely rubbed him the wrong way if his siblings took advantage of that to throw a party for his nieces.”
“It just seems tacky and classless to ride the coattails of a once-in-their-lifetime event with an even grander event for a five-year-old but birthdays can’t be rescheduled and maybe the five-year-old just desperately needed a massive garden party that costs more than a wedding.”
“I certainly don’t know enough to judge that.”
“Overall, it seems like OP is N T A for the party, but their general attitude of ‘look how much more I can afford (than my SIL)’ throughout the post makes them an a**hole in general.”
“I think the ESH/YTA commenters are picking up on the condescension in OP’s post whereas the NTA voters are taking it at face value.” ~ beingsydneycarton
Reddit couldn’t come to a consensus on this situation, so what do you think?
Who’s the a**hole here?