Though they're supposed to be celebratory occasions, weddings have a funny way of bringing the worst out in people, or at the very least, their true colors and beliefs.
When it comes to brides wanting child-free weddings, sometimes it becomes clear just how blatantly child-free the bride is, side-eyed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Though she had discussed her potential pregnancy with the bride in advance, Redditor InfiniteCucumber907 was surprised by how the bride treated her after announcing that she would be pregnant during most of the wedding planning.
But when the bride lashed out at her about not bringing her baby to the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) began to wonder if it was worth being in the wedding party at all.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for reconsidering being a Maid of Honor (MOH) when my friend won't allow me to bring my three-month-old child to her wedding?"
The OP accepted her position as Maid of Honor (MOH) but with one condition attached.
"I (31 Female) was asked a few months ago to be my friend's Maid of Honor for her wedding which will be held in August 2024."
"I accepted on the proviso that she was aware that my husband (35 Male) and I were trying for kids and, depending on when we conceived, I may be pregnant or have recently given birth which means things may change."
"She accepted this and said she understood."
After becoming pregnant, the bride made juggling MOH and mom duties difficult.
"Fast forward, we conceived in August 2023 and the baby is due May 2024."
"This will be our first child and both my husband and I are elated as we were told that fertility may be a long road for us, as I have reproduction issues."
"My friend told us that her wedding is strictly no children and that no exceptions will be made including my child who will be three months old at the time."
"When she said this to me, I found her behavior to be quite smug and she looked directly at my stomach when she said it."
"She has made other comments about how she can't wait to have a 'child-free wedding' as they 'take the attention from the bride.'"
"The wedding will also be interstate (roughly a four-and-a-half-hour drive away) and we have no family in that town who could help us."
The OP and her husband had to make some tough decisions about the wedding.
"Discussing this with my husband, we both decided that it would be easier if he didn't attend as neither of us is comfortable leaving a three-month-old child with a stranger or a family member (as it will be more than one night we would be away)."
"Whilst we are both a little sad, we respect my friend's wishes for a child-free wedding."
"I told her this the other day (roughly 10 months in advance of the wedding and prior to any invitations being sent out), and I got an upsetting message back, basically saying that 'they want us both by their side as they get married' and they 'don't understand the issue as our baby will be three months old.'"
The OP began to wonder if being Maid of Honor was even worth it.
"I am now considering not being MOH because of this comment and because of her behavior since I became pregnant."
"I also worry I can't give my friend a good experience of being MOH if I am being called away to feed my baby, comfort them, etc."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she didn't need to juggle her MOH duties with her new motherhood.
"Apart from anything else, OP may simply not be up to doing all the MOH stuff. I think it's worth taking into account that she has no idea how she'll react to the birth, and it's taking a big risk for her to be making plans to be a MOH so soon after giving birth."
"We're all talking about how she may or may not be able to leave the baby due to breastfeeding, but she may well still be in pain, bleeding, etc., as well as being exhausted. If she has an emergency Caesarean section, she will absolutely not be up for being an MOH after three months. And that's if things go reasonably okay."
"If things go badly (no horror stories here, but we know things can go wrong), she'll have to back out at the last minute anyway."
"I think it's much more sensible to work on the basis that Bride needs to find a new MOH, and OP needs to be focussing on her baby and on her recovery at that time. H**l, in some cultures she would barely be allowed out of bed at three months!" - Enlightened_Gardener
"NTA. Just dip. It's a lot to ask of you even with welcoming the child at the wedding. You will be tired enough, and then add travel, strange environment, and social obligations and almost no one who has had a baby will fault you." - One_Classic4298
"NTA. I was a bridesmaid when my baby was two months old, and it was honestly awful, and she was a kind and understanding friend who let me have the baby with me whenever I needed."
"I was still feeding so I was leaking milk, and it was so hard to breastfeed in the bridesmaid dress. I felt gross and sweaty and I was just not feeling in the mood to party. I was obviously sleep-deprived. I was also stressed about the baby as she was refusing bottles when my husband was watching her."
"Add in the stress of helping to organize bachelorette parties and be there for dress fittings while not knowing what size I would be. I would never do it again."
"Just relax and enjoy your time with your baby. Being your first they may even come late so the baby could be less than three months old, you may have a rough birth or c-section and not feel up to being on your feet all day anyway."
"Politely decline and if she argues, just keep repeating that you will regretfully be unable to attend." - Nice_Option1598
"(As I am writing this, my two-month-old son is sleeping on my chest): You are not the a**hole. Your 'friend' is."
"Childbirth and childcare are tough, both physically and mentally. Even if you have recovered physically from giving birth by the time of the wedding, you might not be able to mentally leave your child behind, even for a few hours, let alone days."
"And the child might not be ready to be away from you or dad (a friend of mine nicknamed her daughter the barnacle for a reason. Some children need a lot of physical contact with someone they know to feel safe in a new and scary world)."
"And the bride expects the both of you to attend? Ridiculous! So small babies need their parents to feel safe and calm, the child knows the voices, smells, and faces of its parents and knows it is safe with mom and dad."
"In the end, you will know your situation and your child best. But speaking from my situation right now, it would not be possible for me and my partner to leave our child with sitters (even grandparents) and be gone for days at such a distance nonetheless."
"If your friend is really a friend, she would leave this decision entirely up to you and not make demands." - Nala013
"OP describes the bride as smug, not wanting a baby to detract attention, gloating it will be child-free and setting impossible rules, the couple has to be there."
"It comes across to me as a rather nasty power play by the bride."
"If I was OP, I'd nope the heck out without a second thought. And I am very much child-free." - Stella1331
Others agreed and also found the bride's behavior too childish for a child-free wedding.
"The bride said she was looking forward to having a child-free wedding... so that there would be no children there to take attention from the bride. Oh, the irony. So what she is saying is basically that she wants to be the only childish person that day."
"NTA, have a great time with your baby." - Aggressive-Basil-857
"NTA. It's perfectly natural that you don't want to separate from your three-month-old baby to go to a wedding that's nearly five hours away. Three-month-old babies are still very very young, and I wouldn't feel comfortablem either."
"Your friend seems very selfish and self-centered. Babies 'take away attention from the bride'? (personally having a late party, or not having to adapt the event to children is more than fair, but 'taking attention from the bride' thing seems SO childish to me...) Maybe it's a cultural difference but I really don't get this 'all about MEEEEE' thing brides have in the US."
"That said, she has the right to have a child-free wedding. But you 100% have the right to decide not to go, especially because if you do bend to her wishes and leave your baby, you probably won't be able to enjoy the party anyway, and it will most likely be incredibly stressful for you. Also, it's far, it's not like it's ten minutes from your home so you can be there in no time if anything happens."
"And I honestly wouldn't go out of my way to support a 'friend' who is showing so little support to me."
"So I wouldn't go either… she doesn't get to be mad, and if she is, it says a lot more about her than about you. NTA." - Dizzy_Ad5659
"She's going to be pushing your buttons the whole of this year, making your pregnancy a battleground."
"She's going to want so much from you, like the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, dress shopping, etc."
"You have no idea how you will feel at any given point; pregnancy can be exhausting. You won't be drinking. You might not even feel like participating, much less have the physical energy or mental strength to plan events."
"Even trying to size a bridesmaid dress only three months postpartum, especially if you are nursing, can become a nightmare because your body will be in a state of flux."
"She's already flexing unkindness."
"Do yourself and your baby a favor and drop out of being involved with this wedding. Your future self will be so relieved! NTA." - MonikerSchmoniker
"Rule Number One when it comes to child-free weddings: the couple is in absolutely no position to get upset when guests with children are unable to come."
"NTA. I would not leave my three-month-old with anyone overnight, either." - MarketingArtistic925
"NTA: people are free to have child-free weddings if they want but parents are also free to say they can't make it. It's especially understandable because a three-month-old can't be separated from the mother for that long especially if breastfeeding."
"Besides, three months is far far too young for overnight babysitters, even family, unless it's an emergency. She's talking like someone who clearly doesn't have or understand children." - Complex_Box_1336
"NTA. Just send back, 'attending without our child is not an option for us, but we know you will have a wonderful time and we hope to see the photos when they come out.'"
"Them insisting that you attend is some sort of denial, just be firm and very clear about your decision. She needs to find a new MoH. You are not going to be there." - atealein
The subReddit could not help but shake their heads at this one and simply encouraged the OP to get herself out of the situation now, leaving the bride with ten months to plan and find a replacement Maid of Honor.
The bride's perception of weddings and babies was simply too different than the OP's, and for the OP to take care of herself postpartum, as well as her still very young baby, it would be better not to juggle another big responsibility.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp