What do you do when you find out that your best friend doesn’t feel the same way?
A future bride is currently struggling with this question, as she not only discovered that she isn’t in her best friend’s “top 5” best friends, but she isn’t even invited to this friend’s wedding.
The OP (Original Poster) “hurtbymoh” shared her concerns on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit asking “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) to demote her best friend from her current Maid of Honor status over this.
The OP asked the thread:
“WIBTA for kicking out my maid of honor because I didn’t make the cut for her wedding?”
The OP confirmed her maid of honor had been her closest friend for years.
“So I got engaged about six months ago and I chose my best friend, Amy, to be my maid of honor. We’ve known each other since we were in elementary school and have been friends for more than 15 years. She was really excited and said yes immediately.”
Amy didn’t organize her wedding party in quite the same fashion, however.
“Amy’s getting married in October. I’m not in her wedding party because she and her fiance decided to only ask their siblings to stand up with them (she has a ton of friends and said she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, which I respected).”
Because of the pandemic, the wedding is even smaller than before.
“Originally she and her fiance had invited around 100 people, including me and my fiance, but because of [the pandemic], they decided to move it to her parents’ backyard and cut the guest list. She apologized profusely and told me they had to limit it to 25 people for safety reasons, but my fiance and I would still be able to watch the ceremony via live stream.”
“I was pretty sad about this, but I assumed the only guests were family at that point, so I said not to worry about it and that I understood.”
Apparently the wedding guest list includes more than family, however.
“But yesterday, one of her other friends posted an old photo of the two of them to Facebook and made a comment about how she couldn’t wait to be there on the big day.”
“I asked Amy about this, and she got embarrassed and said she was really sorry, but she only had space to invite five friends and it was a really hard decision.”
“She swore she did think of me as a close friend and said there were lots of good friends she hadn’t been able to invite either, and she felt terrible about it. She did seem genuinely sorry and upset.”
The OP currently feels very conflicted about her friendship and her own wedding party.
“I know Amy has a lot of friends outside of me, but I can’t help but feel crushed. It would never even have occurred to me that I’m not even in her top FIVE closest friends.”
“I feel like I can’t look at our friendship the same way anymore and really want to ask her to step down.”
Fellow Redditors commented on the sensitive situation anonymously, using the following scale:
- NTA: “Not the A**hole”
- YTA: “You’re the A**hole”
- ESH: “Everybody Sucks Here”
- NAH: “No A**holes Here”
For some Redditors, a Maid of Honor not reciprocating an invitation is a bad move.
“I know it seems that someone may consider their MOH their best friend but it might not be the same for the MOH. I have several friends who’ve jokingly said I’m their MOH but they’re not going to be my MOH. It’s not that I don’t love those friends, I love them dearly and am so so grateful to be friends with them, but my MOH will be my best friend since age 10 who grew up with me.”
“On the other hand, I think it’s potentially an a**hole move not to invite the OP to this wedding – they’ve been friends for 15 years since elementary school! I have a friend from elementary school who is different from my would be MOH and I can’t imagine not inviting her to my wedding if I had to tighten it to five people.”
“I’m gonna go with NAH though because if it’s only five friends between her and the fiancé, then yeah I can see that friend from elementary school not making the cut. OP doesn’t give any details on who was chosen and how many people they picked.” – scienceislice
“I guess if one of my friends asked me to be their best man, and I didn’t feel close enough to even invite them to my (small 25 person) wedding in any capacity… then I would ask them kindly to reconsider. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the lack of reciprocity in our relationship, and I would feel that they deserved much better. Different people might obviously feel different…” – KatsuExpert
“WOW. Amy is an a**hole and, considering you made her MOH, you’d think she’d at least invite you to her wedding if there were non-family guests. But she lied about that and got caught.”
“Amy’s NOT an a**hole for not making you MOH; her reasoning was acceptable. (For example, my best friend, who was my best man, made his brother best man. Told me in advance, I was totally on board with it.)”
“So, if you kicked her out of the wedding party, I’d get it. TBH, I’m curious if you even want to be friends with this person anymore.”
“Verdict: NTA” – FrnchsLwyr
Some agreed with this, stating that “best friend” and “Maid of Honor” go hand-in-hand.
“MOH is code for ‘best friend’ so imo while not feeling the same is valid not saying so is a major AH move” – reineedshelp
“By accepting to be the MOH, doesn’t that imply the bride is your best, or at least one of your best friends?”
“Amy could have respectfully declined if she didn’t feel the same way.” – KatsuExpert
“Well, that’s the point – she thought she would be the bride’s top pick.” – CarolynEarle
Others argued the Maid of Honor is not required to feel the same way about their friendship, just because she accepted the role in her friend’s wedding party.
“I was MOH at a friend’s wedding, and it wasn’t because I was her best friend, it was because I was one of her three close friends and I happened to be the most organized and best public speaker.”
“I love her to death, but she wouldn’t be my MOH and probably won’t even be in my wedding party when/if I eventually get married. She was one of my best friends in high school, but she stayed in our home town and I moved away for university and now have several other really close friends, not to mention my sisters and my cousin.”
“I get that this situation sucks, but just because someone makes you MOH doesn’t mean they owe you anything at the end of the day.” – notevenitalian
“This is just different mentalities though. At 30 I can tell you I don’t have besties anymore.”
“I have about 10 friends that I consider close for different reasons, that add different things to my life, but there’s no best in there. There’s no one friend I go to for all my problems, I talk about different aspects of our lives with them depending on their personalities and sensibilities.”
“Other people might have a best friend, it sounds like OP considered this woman hers, but she just might not see her friends the same way OP does.” – sarasa3
“Yeah honestly another thing is that sometimes you’re in a situation where you’re someone’s best friend but they aren’t your best friend. Doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them deeply and aren’t there for them whenever they need you”
“[But] for example I consider my best friends to be my childhood friends who I grew up with as siblings and who have been with me through each of the deaths of my close family members from 13-22 years old over newer friends.”
“It’s not that the friends I talk to most frequently nowadays aren’t amazing, I love them too, but sometimes there’s just different situations for the friendships different people experience in their lives.” – murphypeach97
“Yeah you’re spot on. I’m kinda surprised that the top comment definitively decides Amy is an a**hole, when we’re all entitled to feel differently about people and situations. It’s unfortunate, and I’m sad for OP, but Amy didn’t do anything wrong and OP isn’t entitled to anything for making her MOH.” – VioletFoxx
“Also, just because to OP Amy is her best friend, doesn’t mean that she has to be Amy’s best friend too. That would hurt yeah but that’s not exactly Amy’s fault, basically saying she’s the asshole for not liking her the most.” – freyjadourV
A few acknowledged that the situation probably hurt the OP’s feelings but wasn’t necessarily “wrong.”
“As someone in Amy’s position I’m saying NAH. I only had to cut my guest list down from 80, and most people graciously stepped out, but I still had to make cuts.”
“There’s definitely a possibility people could be saying ‘but we’ve been friends 10years, I invited both of them (me and my fiancé) to MY wedding yet they’ve picked Bill and Sally who they’ve only known a couple of years over me and my wife!’ but Sally has become my close friend and Bill is her partner and good friends with me and my fiancé. Sally also lives 30 minutes away rather than 4 hours and will help us set it all up.”
“It’s not fair. Maybe we could do better but the only real solution it to not invite any friends at all. The point is you cannot win in this situation and without knowing Amy’s side it’s definitely NAH to me.” – mynameismilton
“Totally understand OP feeling crushed here and yes she can do what she wants but it really sounds like Amy has been as considerate as possible, didn’t explicitly tell her because she didn’t want OP to feel hurt or uncomfortable.”
“[In my opinion] I think it would be a bad move for OP to demote Amy because it isn’t based on any practical reasons, it’s based on a slight any never meant to cause, but it is entirely her prerogative and if it’ll dampen her day then it’s understandable.” – SongsAboutGhosts
“It obviously really, really sucks that OP found out like this but Amy did seem genuinely sorry & we have no idea what her friend group is like, she could still consider OP a really close friend even with having 5 other people.”
“Also possible that she might have chosen people who already know each other or know fiancé better etc it doesn’t necessarily mean that Amy doesn’t value the friendship.” – EndlesslyExhausted
Though it can be difficult to discover that one of our friends doesn’t feel the same way about our friendship, it’s still wrong of us to make such assumptions about our friends’ feelings.
Hopefully, the OP will be able to reconcile her hurt feelings and not sacrifice a longterm, meaningful relationship.