Even though some wedding traditions, such as jumping the broom or a father giving their daughter away have somewhat antiquated origins, many couples proudly continue to carry them on.
As the meaning behind these traditions may have also evolved, and hold special meaning to brides and grooms.
However, many contemporary brides and grooms don't feel beholden to carrying out these traditions, even if their friends and family wish they might.
Redditor Capable-Emergency453 didn't grow up with a present mother or father.
Knowing this was the case, the original poster (OP)'s soon-to-be father-in-law (FIL) offered to walk her down the aisle at her upcoming wedding.
While appreciative of the offer, the OP had another idea as to who would get to perform the iconic wedding duty.
A decision that didn't please her FIL one bit.
Wondering if she was being insensitive to her FIL's feelings, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for rejecting my FILs offer to walk me down the aisle and insisting my sister will be doing it?"
The OP explained why her future FIL was so incensed regarding her decision as to who got to walk her down the aisle:
"This is a dispute my fiancé (26 M[ale]) and I (25 F[emale]) are having with his parents."
"A few months ago his dad offered to walk me down the aisle even though he and my fiancé's mom knew I had already asked my sister to do it."
"At first I thought it was sweet because they explained it as my sister could be my bridesmaid or matron of honor."
"But I explained my sister wanted to and I wanted her to as well."
"But they have not let it go and now they're offended that I refused the offer."
"Context on why my sister: she raised me and our siblings."
"She's the oldest and was parentified when she was way too young."
"She was our savior."
"She was our everything."
"I love her more than I can express."
"She gave up a childhood and her young adult life for us."
"And she did an awesome job for a kid but it was really unfair."
"It changed our relationship forever."
"We will never have a typical sibling relationship and I respect her the way I would respect my parents if they were good parents and people."
"My sister never should have been put in the position she was."
"She never deserved to have her childhood taken away or most of her 20s."
"It wasn't right but it was our reality."
"The two of us are especially close and I have always tried to honor her for everything while also having a more mutual give and take relationship as adults."
"But moments like this, for us, are when she deserves to shine and have a spotlight on her for doing what she did for me/us."
"Nobody in my life deserves this honor more."
"And it wouldn't be anywhere near as meaningful with anyone else."
"She gets an extra special role in the wedding and some details are being figured out still."
"But this is something that we're doing."
"She might only be 10 years older than me but she has been the best parent and sister and friend anyone could ask for."
"My fiancé understands this perfectly and has been on my side."
"He has spoken to his parents to get them to stop."
"But they have made it clear they feel I am rejecting FIL and saying he's not good enough."
"They feel like I should be looking to them more as parental figures because I don't have the traditional ones myself."
"I don't."
"But I have my sister and she's the person responsible for who I am today."
"I know they take issue with a woman so close in age to me doing what is typically the role of a parent."
"I know it's kind to offer to do it."
"So I ask, because this has created so much drama, AITA for rejecting FILs offer?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for choosing her sister, and not her FIL, to walk her down the aisle.
Everyone agreed that the OP, and no one else, had the final decision as to who got to walk her down the aisle, and her FIL's anger at her choice was selfish, as he was only thinking of himself, and not what the OP wanted.
"The walk down the aisle is symbolic."
"It's a symbol of the bride being 'moved' from one family into her new family with her partner."
"Like you said, you are who you are today, because of your sister and how she raised you."
"For you, the symbolism of having your sister stand up with you is what matters, not that an 'actual' parent gives you away."
"There's nothing to say but, 'FIL didn't raise me, my sister did. I want HER blessing in this marriage, which is why I've asked her to 'give me away'."
"'I won't accept any alternative in this matter, because THERE IS no alternative to my sister'."
"'There is no rejection in my saying this, only truth of what my sister has given me, and my desire to honor and thank her for everything she's done'."
"NTA and congratulations."- KBD_in_PDX
"Geez, NTA."
"Why do I get the impression this will be just the first of many issues you are going to have with your meddling in-laws?"
"Use this as an example of setting boundaries with them; that is, NO MEANS NO."
"Good luck."
"And be thankful your fiancé has your back when dealing with his family."- PyrBox001
"What an awesome way to honor the person in your life that helped make you who you are today!"
"BRAVO for taking this initiative to show her how special she is to you."
"For all intents and purposes your sister is your parent as well."
"MIL and FIL really need to understand this and get over their feelings."
"If your father was here he would do it so FIL would not do it anyway."
"NTA and congratulations."- mynameisnotsparta
"NTA."
"WOW!"
"It is 100% your choice who walks you down the aisle."
"The officiant asks how in one form or another, who is presenting the bride into marriage."
"I am not saying a FIL can't, but it certainly is more contra tradition than an actual blood relative/long time family friend."
"I wish you the best, but you need to keep your guard up with future decisions (kids and their schools/sports/how they dress, where you all will live....) if this is actually causing trouble."- catskilkid
"NTA."
"My guess is they would be totally fine if you had a brother walking you down the aisle and what bothers them most is that it will be a woman."
"Your husband needs to tell his parents to get over their out-dated views on this and recognize the special role your sister had had in your life."
"He also needs to tell them the decision had nothing to do with how you feel about hem, but unfortunately they are now damaging their relationship with both of you because they won't let it go."- Used_Mark_7911
"Here's a thought, suggest that your sister take your future MIL's place for the Mother/Son dance as a compromise and see how that goes."
"When they undoubtedly say that's ridiculous say they are rejecting your sister and making her feel like she's not good enough."
"NTA BTW!"- SandbergForever
"NTA."
"Like so many stories on here, your future in-laws are making your wedding about THEM instead of you."
"Ask whoever you want to walk you down the aisle."
"It's important to set these boundaries now."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"The wedding march is an incredibly personal moment, and it's essential that you're comfortable and joyful during that walk."
"Your sister clearly plays a significant role in your life, and that should be honored."
"It's wonderful your fiancé supports your choice this united front will be crucial as you navigate future family dynamics."
"Setting clear boundaries now is healthy for everyone involved."
"Remember, conceding now could set a precedent for future compromises on big moments and decisions."
"Stay true to what feels right for you."- BakerZealousideal623
It would be one thing if the OP had no real family of her own, and no obvious choice to walk her down the aisle, and her FIL was only trying to help her out and be there for her.
That, however, isn't the case, as the OP was very determined that her sister, the only real parent she ever knew, was the one to carry the honor, and her FIL seemed to only want more attention.
One hopes the FIL gets over his petty disappointment before the wedding, and that it will be a day full of love like the OP so rightly deserves.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp