When reciting their wedding vows, there are an increasing number of soon-to-be married couples who might choose not to promise to “forsake all others.”
Indeed, monogamy continues not to be a factor in more and more modern marriages.
Some couples choose to have open marriages, where they are for the most part committed to each other but are permitted to see other people casually on the side every now and then.
And then there are polyamorous relationships where three or sometimes more people are equally committed to one another.
Redditor MomAndDadGotABF made the rather surprising discovery that her parents were in a polyamorous relationship, one that seemed to solve some marital strife they had been experiencing.
But when it came time to plan her wedding, the original poster (OP), was not convinced that the third member of her parent’s relationship was deserving of a spot in her wedding party.
Amidst fears that she was being insensitive to her parents, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to let my mom and dad’s boyfriend walk me down the aisle?”
The OP first revealed how her parents were on the younger side when she was born, and their marriage seemed less than rosy for much of her childhood, until things took an abrupt change for the better.
“So, I (24 F[emale]) am graduating from university in like just under a month, so my fiancee and I have started planning our wedding.”
“My mom and dad had me fairly young, they were both twenty and up until I was thirteen they both argued and yelled at each other a lot.”
“Then all of a sudden they just stopped.”
“Things got better between them.”
“They both got a lot happier and we started doing a lot more family activities.”
“Us three would watch a show every night.”
“We’d go to the movies or a restaurant or hiking and stuff on the weekends.”
“We’d start having little parties and stuff when I got good grades.”
Eventually the OP would discover the magic which seemed to fix her parent’s marriage, which came in the form of a man named Brian.
“Then when I was 14, they introduced me to Brian, 33 now, 23 then, and told me that he was their boyfriend and they’d been seeing him for a year and he was moving in with us.”
“Things got so weird after that.”
“Like we stopped watching shows every night, on weekends if we were going some place it’d either be me and mom and dad stays home with Brian or me and dad and mom stays home with Brian.”
“The only thing that stayed the same were the little parties for good grades.”
“It was so weird being around Brian alone but even weirder when he’d get affectionate with mom and dad in front of me and I honestly stopped bringing my friends over after one of them saw him and dad getting into it on the couch.”
“But he always made my mom and dad happy and never gets in my way if I’m sad and I need to cry to dad or cuddle my mom, so why would I do anything about it?”
With her wedding day fast approaching, the OP’s parents believed that Brian was a member of the family, and thus deserved a role in the wedding, but the OP felt otherwise.
“Well, my parents came to me with this genius idea that my dad and Brian should both be the ones to walk me down the aisle, saying Brian was kind of like a stepdad to me.”
“But he wasn’t.’
“Yes, I’ll say he’s family but he’s not any kind of dad to me.”
“I made it clear that I only want my dad to walk me down the aisle.”
“They asked if I could give him any other role.”
“I said no and they both got sad and said it was like I was rejecting their bond with Brian.”
“My fiancee said he supports me, but my cousins are staying out of it cause they always found the situation weirder.”
“Maybe I’m wrong though cause Brian means a lot to my parents so if I’m the a**hole here, please let me know.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for not wanting Brian to be part of the wedding.
Everyone agreed that since the OP clearly didn’t have a close relationship with Brian, he did not need to be part of her wedding.
“Brian could be a literal God to your parents and it wouldn’t matter because it’s not their wedding.”-ErisianImpulse
“He’s your parents boyfriend, not your step dad.”
“It sounds like he never parented you, just tolerated you.”
“Why would he get a parental role in your wedding?”- Mad_Cowboy_64
“From the sounds of it, you don’t seem to have a relationship with Brian.”
“So why in the WORLD would he want to walk you down the aisle?”
“Is it just to show the world that they are polyamorous? “
“It’s not THEIR day, it’s yours.”
“If they want to broadcast they are Poly, then they can do that on a different day, but not your wedding.”
“OP you’ve handled this way more respectfully than I would have.”- guessmyageidareyou
“As a polyamorous person, your parents are being very selfish.”
“Brian will likely never be to you what he is to them, relatively speaking, and they shouldn’t try to force it.”
“That’s inappropriate and is only going to make your resentment worse.”
“If it doesn’t happen naturally, then it doesn’t happen at all.”
“You’re wonderful for being happy that your parents are happy, but this is a complicated situation that most of society still looks on very unfavorably. “
“I’d recommend talking with a therapist about this.”
“Your emotional needs matter, too.”-sapphisticated_heaux
“They’re allowed to be polyamorous, there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“The issue here is them trying to make their relationship your relationship.”
“If your parents were divorced and had remarried, you’d be under no obligation to let a stepparent have a role in your wedding.”
“Same goes here.”
“At this point, it doesn’t sound like they’re nagging you about it, but if it actually becomes an ongoing issue, I’d say you should walk yourself down the aisle and be done with the entire conversation.”-Adept-One-819
“So, Brian was the age that you are now when he entered a relationship with your parents.”
“So he stayed away from you, presumably because he didn’t know how to handle kids.”
“And him, being in his 20’s and not a parent, would instigate inappropriate sexual behavior when you were around and your parents never pointed out that things like that can’t be done with a child in the house.”
“And obviously you must have figured out your parents were taking you out so the other could bang Brian.”
“All leading you to further stay away from Brian.”
“Yeah, you might want to have a serious talk with your parents about how they never introduced Brian to you in the best way when you were a kid.”
“How the whole situation was weird for you as a kid.”
“And because he’s only 10 years older than you, Brian has always been their partner not a parental figure.”
“And it’s too late for them to start trying to revise how you remember your childhood & demand a relationship that doesn’t exist.”
“This is you and your fiancé’s wedding, and the wedding party should reflect those you both want involved.”
“It has nothing to do with what your parents want.”
“Brian is invited as a guest, right?”
“That should be enough.”
“Tell them they can have their own ceremony with Brian if they find it so important.”-ArpeggioTheUnbroken
“Whose comfort is more important at YOUR wedding?”
“YOURS or your parents and Brian?”
“Your parents, albeit good for them for finding happiness and no disrespect for those in a poly relationship, but that is so rude of them to think that Brian should join you and your dad in walking down the aisle.”
“Good for you for sticking to your boundaries as that is an incredibly awkward request, and their response to your rejection to said request is incredibly selfish, that you were rejecting THEIR bond with Brian.”
“No…. it is your wedding day!”
“They had the relationship with Brian, not you.”
“You went to THEM for comfort and soothing, not Brian.”
“THEY made your friends, and I am guessing you also, uncomfortable by making out in front of them.”
“Which, again good for them for finding happiness and a spark.”
“But hell, if my mum and dad were making out when my friends were over that would make all of us cringe.”
“And I would get so much crap at school for YEARS (kids can be mean).”
“Brian coming to the home may have made your parents happier, but it altered how you all had fun together as a family with watching shows or movies, hiking, etc.”
“It sounds like with most of those events Brian was the one to stay home and have alone time with a parent, so you rarely had the same experience again after he moved in.”
“Because of that, it sounds like you have resentment toward the three of them.”
“You felt it was always weird being around Brian alone, and THIS is the key indicator for what I am about to say.”
“This is YOUR day, and this day is special to YOU and YOUR PARTNER.”
“You guys decide what happens in the ceremony, reception, before and after planning.”
“Your parents can suggest but they should RESPECT your decision and not try to guilt you when you tell them no.”
“Brian will have to settle being a regular guest and your parents will have to deal with it.”
“If they have issues then you can tell them all to not be a part if they cannot let this go.”
“Good luck and congratulations OP.”-True-Tomatillo-4720
Ultimately, a bride and groom should have the final say when it comes to their wedding day.
And though Brian seems to be an important part of the OP’s parents’ lives, he has yet to make the same impression her.
Here’s hoping the OP has a beautiful and happy wedding day.