The big events -- birth, death, weddings, and so on -- happen rarely.
So what happens when you've set your big event down in stone for several months, and all of a sudden a family member has a big moment of their own and they demand attention?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Training_Spring1659 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for making my mom choose between my wedding and my sister's first child birth?"
A succinct start.
"Basically the title."
"I'm finally getting married in two months' time (💃💃) after a year of planning and everything has been going to plan so far with no hiccups."
No complications until things got complicated...
"That was until my mother called me earlier in the week to ask me to postpone my wedding by at least a month."
"My sister is currently pregnant, and her due date is July 17th."
"My sister asked my mother to be there for her for the whole of July since the due date is just an estimate, and this is her first baby."
"Long story short, the father of her child is my ex-boyfriend- whom she was sleeping with while we were dating."
"So we don't have a relationship with one another."
"I'm not willing to postpone my wedding for my sister, and I told my mother that and also that she just simply needed to choose who she wanted to support."
"She's been fence-sitting, and that's why we're here."
"She says I'm forcing her to make an impossible decision, and my aunts are also trying to convince me to postpone."
"Don't get me wrong, I know she's also mom's child and wants her there for her, but I also want her there for me and I've already waited a year for this, and everything is already planned."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Some felt there were deeper issues here.
"Don't for a second even consider postponing."
"Sounds like your sister is devoted to ruining everything in your life that she can."
"That seems like a deep-rooted psychological problem or just pure evil."
"Your mother can make her own decision. You don't specify how she reacted to your sister's betrayal."
"But you should celebrate your happy marriage with people who want to be there for you."
"Obviously NTA for refusing to postpone." ~ choppedliver65
"My thoughts exactly."
"It sounds like her sister can't stand to see her happily moving on and getting married."
"Her sister expected her to just keep pining away for the cheater that she's now stuck with."
"NTA." ~ doobieduder
"Sister is always going to try this power play because she craves the feeling of being "victorious" (congratulations, you bagged a cheater - you totally pwned your sister)."
"It always tickles me when these parents and siblings decide to play these games without fully thinking of a long-term strategy."
"Someone telling you 'no' is only going to get stronger and less easy to manipulate so that in the end, you're left with few options and horrible optics."
"You want to cry that your kids don't know their cousins? Wait until people found out that you banged their aunt's then-boyfriend."
"Complaining that your daughter holds you at arm's length?"
"Tell them that you skipped her wedding."
"People are smart enough to know there's always a reason why, and they're crafty enough to whisper. The more dirt you pile on top of it, the more it looks like a grave."
"(Also, the ex is referred to as 'the father of her child' - not her husband.)"
"(I'm willing to bet that cheater sister is p*ssed that in the time it took for OP to get over her heartbreak, find someone new, get engaged and plan a wedding, she couldn't even get this guy down the aisle.)"
"What I'm really hoping in this situation is for OP's MIL to come charging in to save the day."
"No mother-of-the-bride photos? Let me get in there and fix that."
"You need someone to help you with planning? Sure thing, dear - I'm here for you."
"Set that couple up to become the sweetest, most doting in-laws so that when the kids and old age come, you pull sole focus."
"That's how you become the only game in town." ~ [deleted]
The schedule won't allow it!
"NTA"
"You wedding is on a particular date."
"She can either make it or not."
"You have a venue and vendors and your spouse's entire side lined up."
"Your sister wants you to inconvenience ALL OF THEM in order to have your mother with her FOR 'AT LEAST A MONTH'? Don't make me laugh."
"Your sister and her issues sound like they could fill a psychologists' convention for a month."
"I'd let your mother know that everything has been booked for a long time."
"Be very, very, very nice."
"Tell her you are so sorry that the dates don't work for her and will be happy to show her pictures when she's able."
"Be extra sweet, do NOT rise to the bait, and do NOT lose your temper."
"Get a couple of sentences you can say 'So sorry it won't work for you, we've had everything booked' or 'We have such a large group and this was the date we had decided on long ago', etc. etc." ~ Straight-Singer-2912
Room for all.
"That's what's pissing me off. Mom could tell cheater sis 'Your sisters getting married on the 17th. I will be with her from the 16th till the 18th and then I'll be back."'
"Then mom can be with both. If cheater sis goes into labor in those 3 days?"
"Oh f*ckin well!"
"I'm sure cheater ex's mom would love to be there. I'm sure cheater ex will too."
"Cheater sis has options. She's just trying to take EVEN MORE from op."
"NTA op, not at all."
"Tell mom she can spare 3 days away from your 'sister' to share your happiness cause c'mon, who tf demands someone give up a month 'just in case"'.
"I could understand if cheater sis was single and had no one , but she isn't! And honestly I'd tell mom she can give me three days or I'm going nc!" ~ HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"Or she can plan to be away from cheater those days, and come back from the wedding if cheater does go into labour then."
"I wish there was a way to make sure the cheater wouldn't ask for an induction for the 17th" ~ mollydotdot
Many felt it wouldn't stop at the wedding.
"OPs first child and Cheater's child's first something (baptism, communion, day of kindergarten/preschool, word, walk, roller coaster)."
"OPs first child vs Cheater's second/third/fourth child (all with different baby daddies).
OPs first child and Cheater's desire for a vacation without her child, or maybe just a night out with the cheating ex boyfriend."
"OPs graduation (if still in school) and babysitting cheater's child so she can go out and find another man (cause cheating ex boyfriend went and cheated on cheater sister." ~ Mellestal
"Every single holiday."
"If and when OP has her own children, the older baby will be favored."
"Better gifts etc."
"Sis isn't married, just sleeping with ops ex. Sis is now a single mother."
"Mom is now grandma. Grandma will never have time for OP, because 'the baby needs....'"
"Whatever." ~ ListenLittleGirl
Sis might not be the only villain here.
"The mom is planning to miss the wedding."
"She was trying to manipulate OP into telling her it's ok to miss the wedding which is bad parenting."
"The Mom knows you can't just push a wedding back a month."
"The mom knows people have made travel plans and there no refundable deposits and there is no way of obtaining reservations a month later."
"The Mon knows this is not possible."
"This is fake request of something impossible for OP. This is manipulative attempt to make OP tell mom it's ok to miss wedding. Manipulators make me so angry. "
"They are bad people." ~ sdgeycs
"NTA your sister is something else and your mother clearly show who her favorite daughter is."
"Sounds like your sister deliberately got pregnant to get your mum to missing your wedding."
"One you've been planning the wedding for a year and you sister will give birth on the week leading to your wedding??"
"So the reason to rekindling relationship with your mum was to get you to postpone your wedding?" ~ Zealousideal-Work190
OP did return with some final thoughts.
"Thanks for all the comments."
"Some of y'all are too petty and funny."
"Posting my mil? Toxic but I love it!"
"My mom and I also have a not-so-great relationship due to her fence-sitting, and my wedding was supposed to be when we tried mending things but hey, what can we do?"
"I'm fine and just excited to get married."
"Oh and since some were asking my wedding is the weekend before her due date and I might post an update with pictures (if that's allowed) ❤️❤️"
We all want to be the center of attention sometimes, and we all need the comfort of family.
If your big event is just a reason for you to take someone else's attention though, perhaps you should really think about what you're celebrating.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp