Money. Sometimes it can be a real problem.
It can be especially be problematic when it’s a gift.
How is that even possible?
Gifts are meant to be a sign of love.
Case in point…
Redditor weddinggifted wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for asking my parents why my wedding gift was significantly smaller than my sister’s?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Situation: My sister accidentally revealed that our parents gave her a considerably larger wedding gift, now they are mad at me for bringing up this topic.”
“My husband and I (28 M[ale], 28 F[emale]) got married recently, and my sister (31F) and I were discussing the wedding after returning from the honeymoon.”
“We are very fortunate to have grown up in a household where my parents made very good money.”
“They were generous with us, but raised my sister and I to be hard-working and not dependent on them as adults.”
“My sister and I both do well financially as does her husband (36 M).”
“My husband loves his job, but it is not one that has a ton of earning potential.”
“He and I met in college, so I’ve always known this was his plan and we are very happy with our setup.”
“During my discussion with my sister, she asked me if my husband and I were planning to use the wedding gift money from my parents to do a particular renovation for which we’ve been saving.”
“But I was very confused because the gift, while extremely generous and appreciated, wasn’t nearly enough to cover that.”
“She told me how much she had been gifted and it was more than twice what we had been given.”
“After that I couldn’t stop thinking about why I had gotten less, so my sister encouraged me to ask, and during a call with my mom I couldn’t stop myself from asking.”
“Her response was that it wasn’t my business, but since I did ask, my sister has chosen a partner that can accommodate the lifestyle she’s used to, so they’ve gifted her accordingly.”
“They also gifted me according to the lifestyle I’ve chosen.”
“We are not entitled to gifts of any size in life.”
“But I still can’t help feeling hurt that my parents feel that my husband and I are less deserving than my sister and her husband based on income.”
“Meanwhile my parents are angry at both my sister and me for having this discussion and bringing it to them.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. There’s a lot of reasons that would have made sense and been OK, including a simple ‘we’re not in the same financial situation we were in when we gave your sister her wedding gift.'”
“But to make it about how much you guys make, is basically a passive aggressive way of saying ‘you got less because you picked a partner we feel is beneath you.'” ~ gnothro
“I grew up like this too, my dad’s family would buy us at Christmas a coloring book, cheep crayons and a bag of candy.”
“It would be in a bag with all of our names on it, all 4 of us kids while our cousins got really expensive gifts.”
“Then they would make us share the bag of candy with the other kids and they would brake our crayons.”
“It got so bad that my mom told my dad, no more, that we were not visiting his family for Christmas anymore.”
“She was not having her kids treated like second class while his siblings would treat their kids like little princes and princesses.”
“As we got older we learned to keep his family at a distance and we like to joke and say karma is a real b*tch. All their kids are spoiled brats who are either in jail or living off their parents while my dad’s kids own their own business.”
“Own their own home buying it on their own and has some type of degree and paid for school on their own but getting scholarships or work their way through school.”
“OP, your parents are the AH.”
“Please, if you have children don’t let them come around.”
“Tell your parents that you have become accustomed to quality people and you only want certain people who have that quality around your children.”
“I do wish my parents would have protected us a lot sooner from my dad’s side of the family.”
“It took a lot of therapy for all of us to realize nothing was wrong with us and we were worthy of love, that if we love ourselves that we can do anything in our lives.”
“My dad also had a hard time dealing with the fact that his sisters were not good people and family does not always mean you love the people you are related to.”
“That you can create your own family with amazing friends.” ~ santine-love85
“I’ve lived this. It sucked.”
“All because my grandmother doesn’t think my mom’s good enough for my dad, but guess who’s been the major caretakers in her old age?”
“Spoiler: My parents.”
“Guess who’s still treated less than by grandma in my immediate family?”
“Everyone but my dad.”
“I really hope OP goes no contact.”
“There’s a good chance it will not end well otherwise.”
“Kids notice when they’re treated like they’re less than their cousins.”
“They notice when one of their parents is treated worse, too.”
“And the cousins will notice too and good chance they’ll mimic the grandparent’s behavior when they’re all together to stay on their grandparent’s good side.”
“Disclaimer: I’m 100% speaking from lived experience.” ~ BakedTaterT*ts
“Definitely NTA. I had the EXACT same situation.”
“My mother is comfortable (not rich, but she owns her house outright and gets a decent pension).”
“I’m probably in a similar or slightly better financial situation (I semi-retired early) and my brother might have more money than either of us since he sold his apartment for a nice profit and is also very cheap.”
“The details aren’t important; it’s just that we’re all in the same general ballpark — none of us is over-the-top rich and none of us is poor.”
“When I got married, my mother gave us a $2,000 gift which was very generous and appreciated.”
“When my brother got married 3 years later, she contributed about $25,000 towards his wedding, including $15,000 for the band (which, that alone, cost more than our entire wedding).”
“This despite the fact that my brother and his fiancee sh*t all over my family during the wedding planning.”
“I told my mom that I was very offended by that. It’s not that I needed or even wanted her money (we planned a very beautiful wedding that we paid for ourselves).”
“But money is one of the ways that people express themselves.”
“And you’re basically telling me that his wedding was 10x more important than our wedding.”
“I said, ‘We planned a wedding that fit within our budget, but I didn’t know that planning a disgustingly pretentious, over-the-top expensive wedding and having you pay for it was an option.'”
“I got told ‘they’re a different kind of couple,’ which was basically code for, ‘they deserve more because they expect more.'”
“Suffice it to say, I don’t speak to my mother much anymore.” ~ NotNormallyHere
“You aren’t entitled to your parents’ money, and they aren’t entitled to contact with you/your family.”
“I personally would go LC/NC with them over this.”
“They’ve shown their true colors, and it’s obvious they think your hubby isn’t good enough for you.”
“Who knows what kind of BS they’d fill the ears of your children with if you decide to have them.”
“Edited after a comment someone else made gave me perspective: you should do what’s best for you and your family.”
“My advice of low contact/no contact was heavily biased off of my own experience with toxic family members.”
“And probably isn’t the best choice unless you have other evidence that it is the best option for you.” ~ alphaowlboy
“NTA, and I don’t understand your parents’ reasoning.”
“Seems like they just want to punish you for choosing a spouse that makes less money than they would have preferred.”
“Honestly, if your sister’s husband is so well off, why would she need additional money as a gift?” ~ Legendarrian
“I think that given your parents’ stance, it’s time to start giving smaller gifts to them.”
“You should make it a point to always give them fewer and smaller things at holidays than you might give your sister or your spouse.”
“If they complain, let them know that they aren’t entitled to any gifts in life, and they should be grateful that they receive anything, given the modest life you’ve chosen.”
“Then suggest how rude it is to ask about such things instead of being grateful.”
“Spend the money you saved on yourselves. Your parents are petty. NTA.” ~ kevwelch
Well OP, Reddit sounds worried for you.
Maybe it’s time for some distance from your parents.
You don’t deserve to be treated like less than.
Hopefully you, your sister, and your new husband can make a way past this.
Good luck.
And congrats on the nuptials.