It’s startling how worried about appearances some people can be.
What’s worse is, we may not know how important appearances are to a person until an important event comes up, like a wedding, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway5737657 was shocked when her fiancé began talking about their future wedding photos, only for him to suggest photoshopping her face to hide her scars.
When he argued that she was being overly sensitive, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to think.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to have my facial scar photoshopped for my wedding?”
The OP’s fiancé made a wedding plan suggested that shocked her.
My fiancé (34 male), Aaron, and I (32 female) are getting married soon.”
“We’ve completed our wedding planning, though my future-mother-in-law basically disagreed with every arrangement we made.”
“This whole issue came up recently, Aaron and I were discussing the wedding photos, and my facial scar that I got in my early 20s came up.”
“Aaron suggested that we have this area of my face (where my scar is located) photoshopped.”
“I laughed, thinking he was joking, but he said it was for real.”
“I was taken aback, but he explained that this is what photoshopping is for and that these are wedding photos that last for years, and he’d rather them be flawless.”
“I looked at him and asked if he sees my face as a flaw.”
“He immediately apologized and said absolutely not, it’s just that all couples point out what should and should not be photoshopped to get the best wedding photos.”
The OP then found out this was not a new idea.
“He then admitted it was his mom’s suggestion and he saw that she had a point this time.”
“I refused and we began fighting.”
“Aaron said that I was being a huge overreactor and that it’s not about the scar itself, but the overall look of the photos, and I was being too sensitive for no reason.”
“I had an argument with my future-mother-in-law after she nicely tried to talk me into considering it.”
The family then got involved.
“Most of the women in the family agreed with her and Aaron, and they said this is what photoshopping is for, and lots of people do it because they’re not happy with a certain area in their appearance.”
“I told them I’m different, because I’m not bothered by my appearance, nor do I want to change it for any reason or occasion for that matter.”
“They went on to say I need therapy for me to cope with my past trauma, but I don’t think my refusal has anything to do with it.”
“Aaron is visibly upset with my response. He said he loves me no matter what and that I was ridiculous to be so hung up on this non-issue and holding it against him and his family who want what’s best for me.”
“I don’t know if this is just my past insecurities popping up, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting and getting offended for no reason.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the family had skewed priorities, not the OP.
“It’s funny how by refusing to photoshop, she is hung up on the issue, but for future hubby and MIL and all the flying monkeys, they aren’t hung up on it, because they only want what’s best for her.” – nolan358
“I find it funny they suggest she’s so hung up on it, she needs therapy, when they’re the ones wanting to photoshop the photos so they’re ‘perfect.'” – Rohesa
“I think the idea of photoshopping would be reasonable if it was a temporary thing. Like you want your pictures to last forever and be a good representation of reality. If you have a mark on the face for whatever reason, that is temporary, it could make sense, although if the OP was OK with it them again no need to photoshop.”
“But the scar has been there and will be there, is not going anywhere. In the future, someone sees the pictures they will have to ask about the scar, because it is not there.”
“They want to alter reality. I would be very annoyed. Also if you have the originals you can always change anything you want easily later on. If they remove the scar, it is then harder to add it again.”
“I don’t know, but, I like my representations of reality, realistic, they want to change reality and insult the OP in the process telling the OP is on the wrong for accepting themselves.”
“NTA and they are gaslighting the OP.” – Skylightk23
“I have a scar on my chest from my port from when I was undergoing chemo for breast cancer. I consider it a battle scar and wear it proudly.”
“You may want to reconsider marrying this man. It sounds like he cares more for looks and what his mother says than you. Remember, you’re marrying into this family and will have to put up with your MIL.”
“NTA.” – ivylass
“If the photos were photoshopped, imagine inviting someone new into your home like six months after the wedding. They will see the picture sans scar, and immediately start wondering what happened, was it recent, are you okay.”
“And some people are so nosy they would for sure ask, how are they going to explain that?”
“The OP could say, ‘Oh, I’ve had this scar for a decade, but my husband is so embarrassed by it, he wanted to have a perfect wedding picture.'” – LenoreEvermore
“This is always hilarious to hear, as to why exactly they are making such a big deal about it (the scar) themselves if it’s the ‘small issue’ they accused OP of overreacting to?”
“Something I’ve learned the hard way: when someone tells you ‘they only want what’s best for you,’ while trying to pressure or force you to do something, RUN. Run, run, run, and don’t look back, this is the beginning of a never-ending power struggle.” – SeldomSeenMe
Others were grateful the OP was comfortable with herself and her scars.
“I think the very fact she doesn’t want to photoshop the scars shows she’s quite comfortable with them. The rest of the family who agreed with him… well, clearly that’s a different story.” – LegacyOfGaia
“Comfort and acceptance are usually the result of therapy, not the reason someone needs it.” – Pixichixi
“And one doesn’t need therapy because you get offended when your partner and his mom tell you to photoshop your FACE because they don’t like how it looks.”
“Like?? Being offended is a completely normal and healthy reaction in that scenario. I’d be suggesting therapy if OP wasn’t offended by the statement, ‘My mom and I want you to photoshop your face in our wedding photos because we don’t like how it looks.'”
“Never marry a guy who says you’re ‘overreacting’ for having normal, human emotional responses. Jesus.” – boudicas_shield
“I think the new in-laws (and maybe OP’s fiance?) think the scars are ugly and don’t understand why OP doesn’t.”
“I don’t understand how after all this time, none of them EXCEPT OP have gotten over the fact that they are there and are part of OP. This is all truly bizarre.” – Jay-Dee-British
“OP, it sounds like you have a very healthy view of your scar. It is them that clearly need to learn to come to terms with it.”
“I think you should reply to your fiance that you’ll only have your face photoshopped if he agrees to be made taller or thinner, or to have a more defined jaw or less receding hairline.”
“Clearly NTA. Your reaction is entirely proportionate and the fact you’re husband cannot see that he IS TELLING YOU HE CONSIDERS YOUR FACE TO HAVE A FLAW is a big issue.” – not_so_lovely_1
“Scars are usually forever, and a scar on a very visible part of the body isn’t something you can hide for a day by photoshopping it out.”
“The scar is a part of her now, and she’s okay with it, so why is everyone acting like they just ignore the scar in person but can’t abide seeing it on paper?” – lemmful
“NTA. A thousand times this. This isn’t about the scar. It’s about the system of communication between MIL and the future husband regarding the scar and how they feel entitled to tell you what part of your body should be erased or made invisible.”
“It’s about your husband not standing with you on this issue. It’s about your MIL involving the family about it.”
“Weddings make parents go a little nutso about what they think should happen, and this is one of those situations. You should talk to your future husband regarding this, though. He should have your back.” – Coconosong
While the OP felt conflicted because of what her future husband said to her, and because of the responses from the overwhelming majority of the family, but the subReddit insisted she was in the right.
The most important thing was if she was comfortable with her scar and how she looked. If anyone else took issue with it, that was their own problem, and it would likely continue to be a problem beyond the wedding day.