Besides the bride's dress, there is more than one perfect dress to pick for a wedding.
What will the bridal party where?
Over the years, many people have been stuck in dresses that were not flattering.
Okay, let's be honest. Some are downright hideous.
So many brides now give options for personal style and comfort.
But some can take that liberty a little too far.
Case in point...
Redditor benicenotstupid wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sister to change her dress, wear underwear or she is not welcome to my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am 26 F[emale], my sister is two years older than me."
"My fiance is 30 M[ale]."
"We were raised in a liberal home where we were allowed to wear anything or nothing at home."
"My sister has always dressed very skimpily, and I didn't mind because I was used to it at home."
"But this time I am feeling a type of way because my wedding will be in February 2024, and my sister, who is also one of the bridesmaids, has shown me what she intends to wear."
"I was shocked, to say the least."
"The dress shows clearly that she's not wearing a bra or panties because it has a slit up to her waist, and her back and chest are barely covered."
"I'm uncomfortable with her being around other people, especially my fiance and his family looking like that."
"My parents see nothing wrong with her outfit."
"I told her if she doesn't find a different, more decent dress, then she is no longer one of the bridesmaids, and she's not invited to my wedding anymore."
"She feels that I'm being unfair since I have no right to control what people wear and I also let all the other bridesmaids choose whatever design they wanted as long as they stuck to the colors I gave."
"Her chosen color sticks to the color scheme, and that's okay, but the design makes me feel it's not appropriate."
"I don't want my sister flashing my guests, but she called me an AH when I disinvited her."
"Now she and my parents are not talking to me."
"My fiance said he had no opinion on it and would go with what I decided."
"Here is a link to show a similar dress: https://images.app.goo.gl/vfAWq58NR8cUTtWa6"
The OP was left to wonder,
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Annnd this is just one reason why people elope."
"OP, put your foot down that your sister will not be dressing like she is going to an MTV music awards show. She will not be in your wedding."
"Because you are the damn bride, and in this case, you can control what your bridal party- and even guests-wear."
"Even if your parents aren't talking to you (or don't even attend), you can still get married."
"And your sister can be disinvited if she doesn't behave. NTA." ~ YouthNAsia63
"Exactly. Being asked to adhere to a dress code for one day on one of the most important days in your sibling's life isn't a difficult task, and following it is the considerate thing to do." ~ Heavy_Sand5228
"This is what is really upsetting me."
"One day that just isn't about you, effing deal with it and put yer tits away."
"The insecurity is so gross and that the parents don't see the attention-seeking as an issue and want to put it on the bride wanting control is making me angry."
"Also, the bride can control her little piece of theatre within reason."
"Not looking like you're going to a club is well within reason."
"This is OP's wedding, not the sister's validation event." ~ WubFox
"Isn't it kind of one of the duties of a bridesmaid-support and help the bride, not cause problems and turn their parents against her?"
"Her sister seems to think she's an equal costar in this shindig."
"Really, she does not understand the assignment."
"Kick her out of the party. NTA." ~ Appropriate-Dig771
"Yikes! I'm the first person to call out a bride for trying to impose a 'dress code' on their guests."
"But with that comes an assumption that people aren't A-Hs."
"OP, NTA but your sister and parents are."
"This is a hill I would die on."
"P.S. I think giving your attendants free rein on their dress within the color range is a great way to go but with the caveat that you have to approve the final design." ~ Longjumping-Lab-1916
"At most weddings, the attention would not be positive, but derisive."
"NTA, OP, for realizing that dress is all wrong for the wedding you are having."
"Your parents are wrong."
"A wedding party is one of the rare situations where you do get to decide what people wear, as long as you are not being arbitrary or capricious."
"But I wonder, if having your sister in the wedding party was important, whether you handled this the best way."
"It sounds like you led off with an aggressive ultimatum."
"Maybe nothing would have gotten your sister to see things reasonably."
"But you could have started with 'Whoa, that's an eye-catcher for sure and would be great at the reception, but we need something a little more traditional for the ceremony itself. Let's go shopping on Saturday!'"
"If she then wears it to the reception, just let things work out how they're gonna work out."
"She's just embarrassing herself with that thing."
"As the host, you certainly can't embarrass any guest, but it would be a shame if some uncouth guest yelled out, 'This isn't the bachelor party, it's the wedding reception; who let the stripper in here!?'" ~ Curious-One4595
"My sister-in-law had a friend when she was in her early twenties whose shtick was to dress skimpily and then pretend she didn't realize she had dressed so skimpily."
"She was asking everyone questions like 'Why didn't anyone tell me this dress was so short?' or 'I didn't realize my cheeks would be coming out of these shorts.'"
"I don't remember that girl's name, but we just refer to her as 'that girl who always had her clam out' when we reminisce about her antics."
"OP's sister's 'clam out' antics will surely not be forgotten either." ~ MillionPtsofLight
"NTA, She has the right to wear what she wants, but then OP has the right to disinvite her if it is not in her comfort zone."
"It's her wedding after all, and it is only for one day as well and avoid unnecessary drama and stress."
"Even the US Senate barred Fetterman from wearing his clothes on the Senate Floor." ~ abstractengineer2000
"Oh, for crying out loud."
"Dress codes exist everywhere in life, and yes, the host of an event can set the dress code."
"Does she not have to work for a living? NTA."
"Not only can the host set a dress code, but a bridesmaid is required to wear the dress that the bride selects!" ~ HappySummerBreeze
"Oh for… sakes. NTA."
"How does she not understand what inappropriate is at 30?"
"Just because your parents won't mind doesn't mean the rest of your guests won't."
"What happens when a granny on your husband's side of the family catches a glimpse of this?"
"Look, someone here needs to be an adult."
"Since your sister can't do it and your parents aren't willing for this matter, you're going to have to be the one who puts up boundaries for the good of both you and your guests." ~ snapcrklpop
"Has your sister always been a 'pick me' girl?"
"This number just screams, 'I want to be the center of attention at my own sister's wedding!'"
"OP, this is extremely disrespectful towards YOU."
"She's not dumb or 'liberal'- she knows the reaction THAT dress will get, and she wants that attention, even at your wedding."
"Shame on your parents, too, they should know better and they're enabling this."
"For reference, I'm a socialist (i.e. very liberal), and I know some pretty wild people, and even they know how to dress appropriately at special occasions that aren't about them." ~ serenerepose
"She is going to walk down the aisle at the beginning of the wedding as a bridesmaid."
"And so, the ENTIRE WEDDING WILL SEE YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA!!"
"And while she's at the front of the church, they will see her nipples and side boob and be thinking about the fact they saw her vagina."
"And in your wedding pictures, you will see your sister's vagina."
"It is your wedding."
"And you and your husband deserve to be the center of attention."
"This isn't about being sex-positive or body-shaming."
"If your sister wears that dress, and it's as you describe, your guests will spend more of your day gawking and gossiping about your sister, than even thinking about you."
"Because I don't care how much I love the bride if I can see her sister's labia during the ceremony, that is 100% what's in my brain the rest of the day."
"And I would be furious on your behalf.'" ~ Lopsided_Intention57
"NTA. Sister's dress sounds inappropriate (or at minimum stylistically clashing) for the occasion."
"Especially for someone in the party."
"I don't think OP is being unreasonable here, but sister and parents sure are." ~ ABeerAndABook
"It's her sister's wedding she's a bridesmaid I can't believe she thought a revealing dress was appropriate."
"She's old enough to know better NTA." ~ Mmoct
"NTA. That dress is totally inappropriate for your wedding."
"This is also incredibly attention-seeking, and she's not the main character at your wedding."
"She should choose something else." ~ Living-Assumption272
"Opened the link OP included expecting to find a subjectively controversial dress, perhaps a ball gown with a high split or suchlike, and laughed out loud."
"What the hell?!"
"The dress could not be less appropriate for a wedding, no matter the vibe. NTA." ~ spy-on-me
"Me too, exactly this. It is so ridiculously inappropriate -- I am still laughing."
"Your sister and parents are so out of line. NTA." ~ Bubbly_Rutabaga_8192
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your wedding, your rules.
There are plenty of other creative options to choose from in your color scheme.
Maybe the two of you can sit down together and find a few choices that suit everyone's comfort.
Otherwise, don't be afraid to stand up for your special day.
Good luck and congratulations.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp