Any time money changes hands there’s some sort of agreement at play on what is expected from everyone involved.
Whether that’s a legal contract, a friendly understanding, or some variation thereof.
So, what happens when the parties involved can’t seem to agree on the terms?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) anon1968anon when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my son and his fiance I won’t pay for the wedding if I can’t invite some family members”
OP got right to the situation at hand.
“I 54 [female] have 3 kids, the one pertaining to this post is 26 [male] we’ll call him Caleb.”
“Caleb has been with his fiance (Ashley 26) for four years, and they recently got engaged. I have offered to pay for their wedding with two stipulations”
“They use a wedding planner- I feel this is essential due to the size of the event and the amount of money going into it.”
“I have eight people I’m inviting (older relatives that I’m close with).”
“They both agreed to a wedding planner and said they will look for one that they feel comfortable with.”
“The issue is Ashley does not want me to be able to invite anyone.”
“Caleb knows the relatives well, but he’s not super close with them, and Ashley has only met them a few times.”
“The wedding is going to be a very large and grand affair she comes from a very large family, and we have a very large family.”
“We’re expecting 300 to 400 guests, and I’ve given them a budget of $150,000 USD.”
“Caleb says he doesn’t care, but it makes Ashley uncomfortable since she doesn’t know them that well and it’s her day.”
“Her family is saying that I am TA (even though they aren’t willing to continue financially). I don’t care about any of the other details of their wedding; whatever they choose is fine as long as I get the two things that I want.”
She was left to wonder,
“So Reddit am I TA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some felt that Ashley was in the wrong.
“NTA. Caleb says he doesn’t care, but it makes Ashley uncomfortable since she doesn’t know them that well “
With 400 guests, there is no way she will know every single person “well” or even at all. It’s a power play. ~ Garamon7
“More like ‘we get that much money for free and get to do what we want? Sign me up!'”
“‘Also, I don’t want to make any concessions for a person who is helping out financially.’ She is welcome to pay that much money herself and see how it works out.” ~ Teel1ng
For others, it was just about the money.
“But those 8 people were never part of her vision for her ‘dream wedding!’ Though apparently OP’s bankroll was.” ~ calling_water
“NTA.”
“Don’t understand the problem.”
“If Ashley doesn’t want the eight people to come to her wedding, all she has to do is politely decline OP’s offer to pay for it.”
“Problem solved.” ~ SnapesGrayUnderpants
“Sounds like your son needs a prenuptial, and you save the money for a second wedding.”
“Ashley sounds entitled, unyielding, and rude.”
“I have to wonder if she is always this way.”
“At this point, I would seriously consider never spending that much based on the way she’s treated you.”
“Anyone who calls you out on the money should be standing there with their wallet open. Sorry about your accident.”
“NTA” ~ Nervous_Hippo8855
OP did return with some updates.
“the eight people are my aunts and uncles. They helped me a lot with the kids.”
“We don’t come from money, I was in a severe car accident that left me paralyzed from the waist down.”
“With the lawsuit money, I made some investments that turned out to be very lucrative.”
“Without their help between watching the kids and financially, I would have been up sh*ts creek without a paddle when my kids were younger.”
“I see a lot of people saying that she’s a gold digger, but I do not agree with that.”
“Her father is a very well-respected and sought-after criminal defense attorney in our area.”
“Her mom runs an at-home business.”
“Ashley is currently a surgical intern whereas Caleb is an RN.”
“Her parents paid for all of them to go to college which is why they’re not willing to contribute financially towards a wedding.”
“I just got done having lunch with Caleb to talk to him about the conundrum we’re in.”
“He said that he hasn’t spoken to her about what they’ve done for us in the past.”
“He did not realize that it would be such a big deal for them to come and figured because of their age they would not want to come.”
“Ashley knows the majority of the family really well because I host birthday parties for all three kids as well as a 4th of July barbecue every year.”
“My aunts and uncles rarely attend the events that I throw because it’s hard for them to get around.”
“I’ll update after Caleb gets back to me about their talk.”
Some Redditors didn’t understand why eight people were a deal-breaker.
“Man, 100% NTA.”
“If my parents paid for my wedding, I would let them invite whoever tf they wanted lol!”
“Honestly, for eight people, what difference does that make to the 300-400 already invited.”
“Also, a house, education etc. all paid for. Wow! This son should be thanking his lucky stars he has you as a parent and be telling that to his soon-to-be wife.”
“Jaysus, the amount of entitlement here is mind-blowing!”
“BTW -“
“Well done for achieving so much that you are able to set him and your family up in life.”
“Most people don’t have that and are thankful for the small things their parents can provide.”
“You should be extremely proud of where you are.”
“If your son or Ashley needs a wake-up call though, happy to bring them on a walk in Vancouver that will show a very different side of life.” ~ Dukie29
The OP left us with one final update.
“Sorry it took so long for this, Caleb talked with Ashley, and then they came over for us to all have a sit down.”
“Ashley apologized and said she didn’t realize the significance of them.”
“She was concerned because they are pretty old school and like calm/relaxed and didn’t want them to have an issue with how they want their wedding.”
“Her family is known for throwing huge bashes (think of the sweet 16 from the Bratz movie). They always go big and very flamboyant and eccentric.”
“We throw large parties, but ours are more country bonfires; hamburgers/hot dogs, BBQ, lawn games, etc.”
“Just wanted to say a lot of people are harping on the amount for the wedding.”
“Yes, I am fully aware it’s a lot of money. They live in a house that Ashley owns.”
“When her grandparents passed away, they gave her one of their vacation homes which she sold, and bought the house she and Caleb currently live in, which is near the hospital they work at.”
“Caleb owns a house that I gave to him as a graduation present that he rents out for additional income.”
“They both own their cars, I paid for his education, and her parents paid for hers.”
“They are debt free and have their ducks in a row.”
“I donate a significant amount of money to various charities (Ronald McDonald House, make a wish, habitat for humanity, and St. Jude’s).”
“I want my kids to get what I never had, my dad died from an OD when I was 16, and my mom passed away from cancer when I was 28.”
“My dad bounced from job to job, and my mom worked three jobs just to support me and my brother to the best of her ability.”
“My wedding was $4,000 and small because that’s all I could afford at the time.”
“I was planning on doing a bigger vowel renewal for our 10-year anniversary, but the car accident happened a year before then, and I felt so depressed at the time I did not want to go through with a big event.”
“For people curious Food/drinks: $70,000 ($175 per person includes servers and bartenders)”
“Dj: $6,500 (includes a photo booth and light show)”
“Photographer: $9,000 (includes three photographers and a videographer)”
“Bridal party outfits/hair/makeup: $6,200”
“Venue: $10,000 (includes tables, chairs, setup, and cleanup)”
“Flowers: $5,000 Favors: $5,000 Decor: $8,500.”
“Cake & cupcakes: $3500 Wedding planner: $4,500 Dress: $18,000 custom dress (she’s purchasing a second dress with her own money).”
“Them getting engaged was no surprise. They have been talking about it for a while.”
“I think Ashley is a wonderful girl, and up until now, there has never been anything that has been an issue.”
“The reason she hasn’t spent more time with my aunts/uncles is she has a very rigorous schedule because of the internship.”
“She said she will make sure she spends more time with them before the wedding and gets to know them better.”
“Also, yes she does know that many people, just her relatives are 180 people.”
Involving money in any relationship can complicate the dynamics of the relationship.
We wish this happy couple and their generous mother-in-law well on the big day.