Not only is wedding planning incredibly involved, but it's also incredibly specific to the bride and groom.
Some will want a large wedding where they invite everyone they've ever known, while others will want an incredibly small and inclusive wedding with only their closest loved ones.
For those who love the small wedding vibe, it would make little to no sense to include plus-one invitations, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor WhoIsThisManAnyway was only weeks away from her wedding when her brother approached her, asking if he could bring his new boyfriend to the event.
But because he'd be introducing his boyfriend to everyone, including her, for the first time at the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) didn't feel comfortable extending him an invitation.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not wanting a stranger at my wedding?"
The OP's brother asked if he could bring his new boyfriend to her wedding as a plus-one.
"A couple of months ago, my brother told me he had been dating a guy and wanted to bring him as his guest to my wedding."
"My wedding is a very small and intimate one, with only family and close friends of myself and my fiancée invited."
"I asked who this guy was, and he wasn't anyone I'd ever met before. My fiancée and I had taken care to only invite the people we are closest to, and I really didn't want someone I'd never even met before to be there."
"My brother wasn't happy. He said it was the perfect opportunity to introduce his new boyfriend to the family."
"I said my wedding isn't for that; it's for celebrating my marriage."
The OP tried to help by coming up with another way to meet her brother's boyfriend.
"To compromise, I suggested he plan a family dinner and bring his boyfriend to that. Once the dinner was over, I'd have met the boyfriend, so I'd probably feel more comfortable going to the wedding."
"My brother agreed."
"I followed up with him a week later, asking when the dinner was, and he asked me to schedule it."
"I said I was in the middle of planning a wedding, and I felt he needed to schedule it."
"I followed up later, and he said he wasn't sure what day would work. He never brought it up after that, and neither did I because I was so busy."
The OP couldn't compromise anymore.
"My wedding is next week, and my brother still wants to bring his boyfriend, but I said no. I don't want s stranger at my wedding."
"At this point, it is too late to schedule a family dinner, because the next week is booked with wedding activities, and there's no day I'll have time to drive two hours to where the rest of the family is."
"He says I'm being a d**k to not let him bring his boyfriend to a wedding."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP it was her wedding and she could do it how she wanted.
"OP, you're NTA, and your brother is an id**t. I'm sure he has good qualities and you love him."
"Can you ask him if he already told his boyfriend he was invited and that's why he's getting panicky? Because it sounds like he already told the guy he was invited and then forgot to actually follow your one requirement."
"In any case, don't get hung up on this. It's your wedding, and you should get to enjoy it with your new spouse. Do what you think is best for your peace of mind long term [and I don't know your family, you do], and have a pleasant day. Best wishes." - Beamarchionesse
"NTA. If it were so important to your brother to bring a new dude to his sister's Intimate wedding, he should've made the dinner for introduction happen. Now he's just being an a**hole about it."
"Our wedding had the same number of guests and my cousin also approached me about bringing his girlfriend, who was a stranger to me, just the day before."
"I couldn't f**king believe the nerve of him when he tried to haggle after I declined (he offered to pay for her food, as if that would somehow change the fact that I didn't want any strangers at my wedding and even a bunch of my closest friends didn't get a +1 simply because I didn't know their partners well)."
"Some people seem just painfully oblivious, at least that's 100% my cousin's deal. Stand firm, absolutely NTA." - MissSinnlos
"We had 65 people at our wedding. Three of them were surprise guests, girlfriends of my husband's cousins, who were not part of the RSVPs (so there was a scramble to find room to fit them), and who are in all of the family pictures."
"When my husband lamented to his family after the wedding, he was basically told to get over it, because 'they would be getting married next, so they were 'basically family.'"
"All broke up within the year, and 14 years later, I have wedding photos of family that all include these strangers (never even knew their names before they showed up, still don't know them now)."
"I'm still a bit salty that I can name everyone at our wedding except those three (one of the goals of having a small wedding). NTA, OP." - Apprehensive_Gene787
"NTA, not in this or any alternative universe. You're completely correct that your wedding is not the place for your brother to introduce his new boyfriend. The suggestion of a dinner was perfect, and him not planning it shows he's either the laziest bast**d on the planet or it really meant nothing to him."
"He comes to your wedding alone or not at all, depending on what tantrum he now throws, but you have done nothing wrong." - blinky_kitten_61
"NTA. It's your day, your way. If it's a small wedding without a bunch of plus ones, then why should he get a free pass? Your wedding is definitely NOT the venue for introducing a new partner to the family. Tell him no and go back to planning your special day. Good luck with your upcoming nuptials!" - RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"Weddings are expensive; plus, you wanted to keep it small and intimate."
"If your brother wanted to have everyone meet his new boyfriend, he would have set out an option of three or more dates for everyone to select in order to meet this fella. As he didn't and the wedding is in less than two weeks, he forfeited his opportunity to introduce him to the family and therefore forfeited his date for the wedding."
"It sucks, but you're having less than 50 people there!"
LPT (Life Pro Tip) for your wedding day: remember to eat a small breakfast and hydrate throughout the day! It's easy to forget to sip something when getting ready! Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!" - firenoodles
Others thought the OP had come up with the perfect compromise.
"OP, you do what feels right for you. If you let this guy come, upon that introduction say something prepared like, oh, I do hope we can chat at a more convenient time, cough cough, so it's nice to have finally met you! Hope you have a wonderful time. END." - Begs-2-Differ-7GA
"NTA, but there is something rather dodgy about your brother's approach to this."
"You were more than fair in allowing him to ease the boyfriend in with a family dinner, and he deliberately didn't arrange it."
"Why? Maybe laziness. Maybe acting out in protest against not getting his way immediately."
"But maybe because the boyfriend has an unruly personality that puts people off?"
"In which case, an intimate wedding is the last place that should accommodate him." - RealbadtheBandit
"NTA. Your brother is selfish. He wants you, the bride, to arrange a dinner in all the chaos of planning a wedding!"
"Yeah no, make sure you inform your parents of this situation NOW so later on they wouldn't get a twisted version of the events." - tunaricelemonjuice
"NTA. It's your wedding and your rules."
"You went above and beyond by suggesting your brother set up a dinner so you could meet him."
"You reminded him, he asked you (the one busy with wedding planning) to set it ups, and you told him again to do it, and again (from your post, I see at least three times), and he did not do it."
"He is obviously the AH. Was his plan that if his boyfriend came, you would cut their food and put their drinks in a sippy cup?" - catskilkid
"You're not being a d**k, your brother is being unreasonable. I get wanting to share your new partner with your family and stuff, but a sibling's small, intimate wedding is not the time nor the place for that."
"You tried with the dinner and he blew it off, so that's on him. Now he wants to complain and call you a d**k when you literally tried to find a way to resolve it? Nah, NTA. I hope he gets over himself and doesn't make it an issue at your wedding." - LeisurelyLife710
"Definitely NTA."
"You provided a means to make it acceptable as you made it clear it was an intimate wedding."
"Your brother seemed to be lazy. If it meant that much for his SO (significant other) to be at the wedding, he would have gone through scheduling the dinner prior."
"Enjoy your wedding, by the way!" - __dixon__
The subReddit was fully in support of the OP planning her wedding the way that made the most sense to her, especially since she wanted to go small and exclusive. Inviting someone who she hasn't met before who her brother may have not been dating for that long didn't exactly make sense.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.