Wedding expenses have truly become outrageous, and shockingly, instead of shrinking the size of their wedding, a lot of couples are turning to their wedding parties for help.
But being a part of someone’s special day shouldn’t put anyone into debt, reassured the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Parta**ipant1 was becoming increasingly overwhelmed as her duties as a bridesmaid had ballooned to over $2,000 spent on her friend’s wedding.
But when the bride turned to her and expected her to also help cover the costs of the food, the Original Poster (OP) just wasn’t sure how much more she could put up with.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not writing the bride a check when I’ve spent over 2,000 dollars on her wedding as a bridesmaid?”
The OP was overwhelmed by how much she’d spent on her friend’s wedding.
“I’m in a wedding this weekend for a college roommate and after the bachelorette, dress, shower, hair and makeup, gifts from her registry, and little s**t she’s requested is all said and done, I’ll have spent over 2,000 dollars on this wedding.”
“She has not given us any gifts. She got us jewelry to wear at the wedding (earrings and bracelet), and some of the girls lost them, so she sent us the link to replace them, and they were in a six-pack from Amazon for 18 dollars… so like three dollars per person which I found honestly insulting.”
“I also didn’t get a plus-one as a bridesmaid while one of the other bridesmaids got literally ten plus-ones and the wedding is not close, so I have to travel alone to get there and pay for pet care while I’m gone.”
But there was another expense the OP was being pressured to pay.
“My mom and the other bridesmaids are telling me it’s still expected of me to write the bride a check for at least 150 dollars to cover the cost of my plate at the wedding.”
“I find that absolutely insane!! How much effing money is this girl going to squeeze from me? Is this a celebration of a union or a cash grab?”
“My other friends say don’t you dare write her a check so now I’m just totally unsure of what to do.”
“So AITA if I don’t write her a check? I’m one of the only girls who is single, so my money is always tight, especially in this economy, and I sort of don’t care if it makes me look bad.”
“I think it makes them look greedy if they think that. Please help, give me your opinions!”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP just to make the decision that was financially best for her.
“NTA. The ‘pay for your plate’ custom is more so to help wedding guests assess the value of their gifts. I was raised to believe that if you’re invited to a wedding, the gift you bring should be of equal or greater value to what the wedding party spent to have you there. Which is typically about 150.”
“Note that this ‘custom’ is for basic guests, not members of the bridal party. I was a groomsman once and between the bachelor party, gift for the groom, tux rental, travel, etc I was out of pocket close to 2,000 dollars and did not give a gift at the wedding.”
“I interpreted the year’s worth of work and expense as my contribution to the happy couple as did a friend of mine who was a bridesmaid. It was a sore spot for the couple, and they have been sh*tty about it ever since.”
“Honestly sounds like you should attend, skip the gift, and thank the bride for her friendship as she enters this new chapter of her life. No guilt but beware that she may feel some type of way about it.” – peterfromottawa
“I’m so glad to be older now, and most if not all of my friends are married or divorced! Honestly, the way weddings are so expensive now, I would turn down the honor of being in the wedding party simply because it costs too much. I’d much rather attend and give a gift or not attend at all if I know the couple will expect a large gift or cash of more cost than I would like to spend. It’s just not worth it.”
“Either way, the bride and groom will feel you didn’t give or do enough. It’s frankly a s**t show. I wish weddings were just big parties thrown in someone’s backyard or public park with BBQ or potluck. More fun, more family, more joy.”
“Instead, we have these expectations of expensive and formal affairs where everything has to be just so. We spend a small fortune on attire, food, drinks, music/entertainment, and pictures. All those things that really don’t matter. We lose focus on what does matter. It should be a celebration, a fun party with family and friends. Not this mass-produced commercialized fancy event that cost way too much money.” – RainbowUnicorn0228
“I know somebody that spent a lot on everything for the wedding like OP, and then the groomsmen gifts were just a party bag of a shot glass, cheap dollar store sunglasses, and something else cheap I can’t recall.”
“Then, on top of that, the couple asked at the last minute for their wedding party to bring various food items to the wedding for the cocktail hour before the reception.”
“My buddy said he’s never been so insulted in his life.”
“If your budget is tight, there are ways to give a nice wedding party gift to show appreciation that is thoughtful and inexpensive. I cannot believe people are like this.” – je_kay24
“Your mom is very opinionated when not spending her own money. Is your mom a guest? She can add your name to her card. (I’ve done that).”
“If not, I would order them a first Christmas ornament with their married names (Mr & Mrs So-and-so) or an engagement photo. Something personalized with their last name, so it’s thoughtful but not expensive, with a nice card from you.”
“There are so many options out there. Dredge up how honored you are to be celebrating with them and wish them well. NTA.” – SufficientComedian6
“As a 10-time bridesmaid (f**k my life), I gave 100 to 150 dollar checks to the brides that went above to make it easier for bridesmaids and offset the costs.”
“For example, one of them gave extravagant gifts for the wedding to us (Michael Kors bracelet, Kate spade pouch, stuff we actually could use in real life), and another gave wedding day gifts with personal hand-painted photos of our children or pets. These brides also chose cheaper bachelorette party trips and affordable dresses.”
“Meanwhile, my one friend gave us fake-designer tote bags when she asked us to be bridesmaids (still loved it, but it was like 25 dollars), asked us to go to an island for a WEEK long bach party and pay her for her flight/hotel, chose a hotel for the wedding with only suites and no single hotel rooms, and I was also the only one NOT to get a plus one.”
“I paid 800 dollars for a two-night stay alone. Also, all the other bridesmaids and groomsmen got a plus one, even though some of them were also single at the time. I was also the only one who had to travel.”
“I asked, and she said it was because I didn’t have a partner at the time. But her other single friend (who was not in the wedding party) got one, and this friend brought her hookup of the week that she met on Tinder that same week! One of the groomsmen also got one who was single, and other groomsmen brought their hookup buddies… I truly think she was just singling me out because I didn’t make it to the bridal shower (it was prime time pandemic, and didn’t feel safe traveling or being in a large crowd but she thought I should have anyway).”
“It was really uncomfortable for me as I was a college friend & didn’t know a lot of people at the wedding so I had a lot of awkward moments by myself.”
“With that being said, I knew she wanted cash for wedding gifts after she kept rudely saying it, so I purposely bought them smaller kitchen gifts (utensils and s**t) and didn’t give a gift receipt. I refused to give any cash as it seemed like she was only having a wedding for cash.” – sundaze_08
Others reassured the OP that she had already paid enough for the wedding.
“If you gave her a gift from the registry, you’re covered, girl. You don’t have to pay for what you eat. It’s not a restaurant where you go Dutch. NTA.” – Cantarena
“I have never in my life heard of writing the bride a check to cover your food. I’ve never heard of writing the bride a check, period. NTA.” – Revolutionary_Let_39
“NTA: Feeding your friends is part of wedding expenses. I mean, what the f**k? I would have already lost my patience.” – Emotional-Nothing342
“Well, you could make a list of all the items you have spent money on with a total and give that to her in a congrats card. You have given the gift of your time and pre-paid with the prior purchases. Not giving you a plus-one and giving another more than a plus-one, you are not in the wrong for feeling slighted.”
“She has taken advantage of you and is asking for more, more, more. It has to end somewhere.” – ConfusedAt63
“Personally, I find it extremely distasteful to ask someone to be in your wedding and then expect them to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars for the privilege of being asked.”
“The whole bridal industry is predatory in itself. Your gals are probably going to throw you a shower and a bachelorette/hen, get you a gift, decorate, drink, etc.”
“I feel like the least a gracious blushing bride could do is return the favor by taking the financial burden of the dress, hair/makeup/nails, and a thank you gift.”
“I’m not saying that these need to be tallied up and compared monetarily. It all comes out in the wash when everyone feels appreciated and respected. NTA OP.” – peppermintmeow
“NTA. Weddings are not supposed to make you broke, and gifts are not obligatory. They are an expression of love for the new couple, and you’ve already demonstrated that with your participation as a member of the wedding party.”
“If you want to give a gift, that’s fine, but it’s not about the monetary value. You could choose something small and thoughtful and that’s appropriate. Or not. It’s up to you.” – TYJerry
If the subReddit was not already jaded about wedding culture and the extreme costs of weddings, they absolutely were after reading about the pickle the OP had found herself in as a bridesmaid.
They reassured her across the board that she had already spent enough between her duties as a bridesmaid and providing the happy couple with a wedding present.
The bride demanding that much more and wanting help with her own wedding expenses was such a bad look.