We've all heard the rule that a person shouldn't wear white to someone's wedding when they aren't the bride.
But some brides get protective of the color white in the days before and after their weddings, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
With her sister's wedding festivities underway, Redditor pinkies_up_sip_sip was looking forward to celebrating her own birthday and picked out a white dress to wear that obviously was not a wedding dress.
But when her sister insisted that she couldn't wear white before her wedding, since she wasn't the bride, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong or if her sister was slipping into bridezilla territory.
She asked the sub:
"WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) if I wore white [for my birthday party] when my sister is the bride?"
The OP found the perfect dress for her upcoming birthday party.
"My sister is getting married in mid-November. My birthday is in mid-October."
"I have been looking at some restaurants to celebrate my birthday with my core group."
"Today, I was searching for a dress to wear for my birthday. I found the prettiest white dress with sunflowers, and it gave off autumn vibes. It's also very fairy- and hippie-like, which fits my whole aura in general. Also, I live in Miami where white does not go out of fashion."
But her sister took issue with the OP wearing it near her wedding day.
"I excitedly showed my sister the dress."
"Yes, it's overwhelming white because it's long with peasant-style puff sleeves; however, it's clear that it's not remotely a wedding-like dress or bridal party dress."
"She asked me how could I wear a white dress when she is the bride."
"Her wedding festivities had begun (we just got back from her bachelorette and her bridal shower is towards the end of October, after my birthday) and me wearing white is not okay. Only she can wear white."
"'You're not a bride; you cannot wear white,' were her words."
The OP did not understand where her sister was coming from.
"I took it as a joke, and told her, 'It's my birthday; I can choose to wear whichever color I want.' I also wasn't planning on wearing white to anything bridal-related, just my birthday."
"She is a Reddit lurker, and I told her I was going to ask Reddit for their opinion."
"So Reddit, WIBTA if I choose to wear white to my birthday dinner? Or is my sister on the verge of becoming a bridezilla?"
"So far, things have been light-hearted between us; however, I can't believe she would take issue with me wearing white at an unrelated event."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that not wearing white only applied to the wedding day.
"Nah, I've been a bride before, and let me tell you, she's as full of crap as she is entitled. Outside of her own actual wedding events, she's just a normal human being, not the bride-to-be." - SmashedBrotato
"NTA. You don't wear white to the wedding. Even wedding-related events, I can maybe see her point. But your birthday? Nah that's completely separate. This is a totally unreasonable thing for her to say." - Working_Fill_4024
"NTA. The white-wearing ban is only on the wedding day, not before, not after." - ElderberryOwn666
"NTA. Your sister is nuts. I kept expecting you to say you would have to wear it to the wedding as well or something. But... what the f**k? She gets, at most, the wedding ceremony itself; anything more and it's overreach."
"You wear anything a month before has absolutely nothing to do with her wedding. Is it possible that she's so lost in wedding prep that she confusingly thought you were proposing to wear it to the wedding? Because nothing else even makes sense to me." - Merickwise
"Wait, she's mad that you're wearing white to an event that isn't her wedding? Bananas behavior. I would avoid wearing it to events related to her wedding (I personally think that's kind of a silly thing to get worked up over in any case, but I understand that other people would have strong feelings about it so it's best to avoid)."
"But she can't tell you that you can't wear white to your own birthday dinner separate from her wedding. NTA." - only_living_girl
"I work in the wedding industry and have literally never heard of this! Tell your sister she gets ONE DAY. And that making your birthday about her wedding is kind of a sucky thing to do. NTA."
"(P.S. On a less ridiculous note, post-wedding blues is a very real thing, and if she is already subscribing to the idea that the lives of the people around her revolve around her wedding, then she's likely to crash hard when she's not a special bride anymore."
"Sounds like the two of you usually have a good relationship, so maybe just be aware that this might happen and plan some fun things before and after with her that have nothing to do with her wedding.)" - Unlikely_Price8624
"Whoa, hold up. I thought you wanted to wear the dress to the wedding. You want to wear it to your birthday dinner, a month before the wedding? NTA and your sister can go pound sand." - ivylass
"NTA. A bride-to-be only has exclusive use of the color white on the wedding day. Your birthday is not even tangentially related to her wedding, and it takes a lot of chutzpah for her to guilt you about wearing white." - UteLawyer
"NTA. Your birthday is your birthday. Her wedding is her wedding. They're not on the same day." - RemyTheMagnificent
Others agreed and pointed out that only wedding-related events were no-white territory.
"NTA. The only time it'd be wrong for you to wear white is to her (or another person's) wedding. She doesn't own white for the year leading up to and the year following her wedding. These women, they are really something." - Foggy_Radish
"I feel like the bride can only claim the white outfit at the wedding, rehearsal dinner, bachelorette party, and wedding shower. That's FOUR events where she gets to wear white all on her own."
"OP's birthday is not on that list, lol (laughing out loud). NTA." - dcdcdani
"NTA. You could buy a legit wedding dress to wear to your birthday and still not be the AH. The nobody wears white thing applies to the day of, and nothing more." - RefrigeratorFun4676
"I thought from the title that you wanted to wear white on the wedding day, which obviously isn't cool. But you want to wear it to your birthday, which isn't on the same day, and her having a problem with that, that's just crazy. NTA." - thebigd**kboss
"So she gets the monopoly on white for a whole month? Why not a whole year? In fact, white is her color now, OP. You are hereby formally banished from now until the end of eternity!"
"NTA, OP. This girl is being ridiculous!" - slackerchic
"NTA."
"Your sister is going to have a big task on her hands, making sure that no one who plans to attend her wedding wears white between now and the wedding date. Because surely if this applies to you, it applies to the rest of the guests, as well." - RichSignal7022
"NTA, you can wear whatever color you want to your birthday celebration. Do not wear white to any wedding-related events obviously, but everyone else's lives do not stop when someone gets married and your birthday's proximity to her nuptials is irrelevant." - sarabatgirl
"Hahahaha, your sister is ridiculous! (Sorry, sister, but just stop.)"
"Not wearing white has always been about the wedding day festivities and nothing else. And honestly, the dress you are describing wouldn't even draw attention at a wedding since it is patterned and not bridal. Why do people look for drama when there is none?"
"NTA in the slightest." - incognito_autistic
"By her rules, she can't wear white, either. She's not actually a bride until the day of. Right now she's a fiance and bride-to-be, not a bride."
"And if that's the stance she wants to take, I hope she doesn't wear white on any day after her wedding, either. People are getting married all the time, and she wouldn't want to wear white and potentially steal attention from that bride in the church across town, would she?"
"Her logic is dumb, it's your birthday, wear whatever you want. H**l, wear an actual wedding dress if you want to. It literally does not make any difference in regards to her wedding. You're NTA and I hope your sister reads these comments and realizes how controlling and ridiculous she's being." - SpecificWorldliness
While the subReddit could get behind the idea of not wearing white to someone's wedding, and perhaps even the other wedding-related events like the bridal shower or bachelorette party, they didn't understand where the sister was coming from by worrying about an unrelated event that was occurring near the time of her wedding.
Despite them being sisters, it wasn't like people were going to suddenly think the OP was the one getting married, and her birthday dress surely wouldn't steal her sister's wedding dress's thunder.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.