Just because people are blood-related doesn’t automatically make them family.
Sometimes the relationships with those who share DNA are the last ones anyone needs.
That can be hard to understand for people who are close to blood-related relatives.
Case in point…
Redditor SpendOk2589 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my S[ister] I[n] L[aw] she should cancel the baby shower she was planning for me and that would prefer not to have one than have one where she doesn’t respect my boundaries?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I are expecting our first baby in a few months, and my SIL offered to throw us a baby shower.”
“I was really in love with the idea and accepted, and then my M[other] I[n] L[aw] got involved.”
“But my SIL disrespected the one clear boundary regarding the baby shower that I had, and she refuses to let it go despite being told by not only me but by my MIL and my husband as well.”
“She insisted that my half-siblings should be invited as well as finding bio family from both sides and inviting them.”
“This is an absolutely never thing for me.”
“I did not invite them to my wedding, and I have not seen or spoken to them in several years.”
“But she’s going extremely hard on the ‘but family’ argument.”
“Background: I’m an affair baby.”
“My father cheated on his wife, and I was the result.”
“His wife kicked him to the curb, and he and my mother stayed together.”
“I was born, and they did not take care of me, and when I was 3, I was removed from their care by C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices].”
“None of my biological family wanted me.”
“My mother’s family were supposedly good Christians who couldn’t stand the thought of an illegitimate affair baby, and my father’s family were ‘not in the position to take care of such a young child.'”
“My father’s ex-wife ended up taking me.”
“I’m not sure why.”
“The fact she was paid to take care of me was possibly the reason.”
“I do know is I was not loved.”
“My half-siblings ranged from 11 to 17 at the time, and they all hated me.”
“It was made perfectly clear to me from a young age that I was never to call her mom, and I was never to call them my brothers and sisters.”
“My father’s family were still in their lives and knew how I was treated, and they wouldn’t even report it to my case worker.”
“I mentioned it once or twice, but I think she found it easier to dismiss a kid’s words.”
“My childhood was miserable, and I was seen as a burden and as someone who should never have been born.”
“My half-siblings continued visiting their mom as adults, and all just made it clear they couldn’t stand me and were disgusted by my presence.”
“I just left when I was 16, and nobody ever reported me missing or came looking for me.”
“My SIL knows my background, and she knows that I would never want them in my life again.”
“But push she continues to do, and I spoke to my MIL and she tried to take over more, but SIL insisted that she had offered first.”
“When she brought it up again, I told her to cancel the shower, and I would rather have no shower than one thrown by her when she can’t respect my boundaries.”
“MIL stepped in and is now hosting one, but SIL is pissed because she had spent a while planning and had paid for some stuff already.”
“MIL said she’d give her the money back, but SIL said I was in the wrong and I should appreciate her for wanting to ‘give me back my family.'”
“I told her I had no family until I met them, and she needs to accept that my blood relatives do not want me, and I do not want them.”
“I know she keeps telling my husband how wrong I was, and he keeps defending me, but I feel bad about the tension now.”
The OP was left to wonder,
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I mean, you already know the answer, right? NTA.”
“The arrogance of your SIL though… imagine being that full of your own self-importance to directly go against your wishes because you think you know better.” ~ thegodcomplex17
“You only feel bad because you are guilting yourself about the situation.”
“You have done nothing wrong.”
“As someone who grew up with trauma, you will second guess yourself so much.”
“But your reaction is not wrong.”
“Having boundaries is not wrong.”
“What is wrong is not respecting the other person.”
“And that is exactly what your SIL is doing.”
“She didn’t live your life and never faced your trauma.”
“Do not let her dictate what is ok for you.”
“People who never experienced trauma like that will never understand, but they can be respectful.”
“Good luck, hun.” ~ Pyr8Qu33n
“Making her feel vulnerable and guilty may be the SIL’s hidden agenda.”
“No one can be that insensitive.”
“Particularly if you’re hosting; generally your mindset is to arrange things so the honouree feels happy.”
“To be told, please no, both by OP and MIL and still go on to the point the hosting is taken out of your hands?”
“I smell agenda.” ~ MyCatsmarterthanFido
“The other part of this is that none of OP’s family are going to accept the invitation to come to the shower.”
“SIL is setting OP up to be rejected by them once again.”
“SIL does not have good intentions here.” ~ squirrelsareevil2479
“Or will accept just to make a scene and cause problems due to misplaced anger over the circumstances of her conception.”
“OP is 100% NTA and should remember how they were treated by the family (bio) if they ever need an organ.” ~ ValkyrieKarma
“That’s a definite possibility, but some people live genuinely blessed lives.”
“Some people actually get on with their families and buy into all that Hollywood nonsense of familial love trumps all.”
“I knew a guy like that in college.”
“He just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just get on with my stepmother, or why I could go no contact with my father.”
“A woman who made my childhood a living hell and was such a good actress she convinced my family I was just jealous and making stuff up cause I couldn’t share my father.”
“And my father, who turned a blind eye to all of it.”
“I don’t know if his good relationship with his family meant he didn’t believe two parental figures could be so cruel to me or if he just believed that family should always forgive and make up no matter what.”
“But the fact is he wasn’t a bad guy, it was the opposite, he was so nice, he just wanted me to be happy.”
“The fact I was 100x happier without them in my life just wouldn’t compute in his mind.” ~ Vegetable-Wing6477
“100%. This is covertly malicious like SIL wants to see s**t stirred up or drama started & for something bad to happen to OP.”
“Absolutely repulsive. Stay the hell away from this person.” ~ creppyspoopyicky
“Dear, NTA. There is SERIOUSLY something wrong with SIL.”
“Given her knowledge of your circumstances growing up, I’m left with the impression she’s trying to humiliate and emotionally harm you.”
“Why in the heck would you want anything to do with bio family–they’re cruel, heartless, and ungodly?”
“Please do not question yourself in the least!”
“Some people enjoy drama and get in their own way.”
“It sounds like SIL falls in that category.
“Enjoy the shower your MIL sponsors, and don’t worry about ‘sucking up’ to SIL.”
“Let your MIL and husband handle it from here on out.”
“Best of luck with motherhood.” ~ Tight-Shift5706
“THIS OP! This is the answer.”
“You have such a traumatic upbringing and the guilt that comes along with that in every aspect of your life.”
“YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and have NOTHING to feel guilty over.”
“Don’t ever let someone push you to have a relationship or be around anyone that doesn’t do you any good, let alone you haven’t had any relations with at all!” ~ Downtherabbithole14
“Do not feel bad because your husband’s sister’s ego is bruised.”
“She did not feel bad setting you on fire to keep your biological family’s ability to turn their backs on you again, warm.”
“Your husband’s sister had this idea that she would wave her baby-shower magic wand, and everyone would hug it out, and she would deliver a Disney happy ending and be the savior that healed a family rift.”
“This baby shower was never about you but all about your husband’s sister being able to play the hero and savior and have everyone swoon over how amazing she is.”
“Your husband’s sister is only angry that reality wouldn’t capitulate to her unrealistic fantasy fanfic baby shower.” ~ CheeryBottom
“Well said, beautiful, OP, please weigh this advice heavily.”
“You are allowed to feel loved and safe and pampered at YOUR baby shower.”
“You are in no contact with (arguably abusive) people and have stuck to that. Good for you.”
“Your husband and MIL support your wishes, so they are smart, good people.”
“SIL may mean well, but meaning wee does not excuse steamrolling you.”
“You did good, ma’am, and I wish you all the love and acceptance so shamefully lacking from your upbringing.”
“Congratulations on your pregnancy!” ~ animosityvoid
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It’s your baby, your shower. You get to have control of the guest list.
Your SIL has no right to force you into a situation you’re not comfortable in.
Maybe your MIL and hubby can sit down with her and have a deeper chat about this.
Congrats and good luck.