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Parent Balks After Sister Demands They Change Daughter’s Birthday Cake For Nephew’s Allergy

little girl blowing out birthday candles.
haoliang/Getty images

There is no doubt, living with allergies can be frustrating and dangerous.

Depending on the severity of your allergies, you might often find yourself scrupulously reading the ingredients of certain foods, and carrying around an EpiPen just to be on the safe side.

Then, of course, you might find yourself missing out on treats and delicacies your friends enjoy, wishing you could take just one little bite, but knowing that doing so could send you to the hospital.

The nephew of Redditor LonelyFruitbat had a severe allergy shared by many people all over the world.

This unfortunately posed a problem, as this allergy was going to feature fairly heavily in an upcoming party hosted by the original poster (OP).

When the OP’s sister asked if they could change the menu to accommodate her son, they declined, resulting in some ongoing tension between the siblings.

Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:

“AITA for letting my daughter have a peanut butter cake when my nephew is allergic?”

The OP explained why they were unwilling to make a concession owing to their nephew’s allergy.

“So my daughter recently turned seven, and for our “’amily party’ she asked for a peanut butter and chocolate cake.”

“I agreed.”

“I let my sister know not to bring my nephew (3) because of his allergy.”

“It’s so bad that he can’t even be near/breathe in peanut butter particles.”

“She asked if I would change the cake to be just chocolate so that my nephew could come.”

“I said no, that it was my daughter’s cake and she can have peaanut butter if she wants.”

“She called me unreasonable because my daughter could have had peaanut butter cake with her ‘friend party’.”

“She didn’t have cake with her friends, she just had pizza.”

“She said that my daughter needs to learn to compromise for the sake of family.”

“I told her that I would talk to my daughter, but not to expect a seven year old to choose her baby cousin over her favorite cake.”

“My conversation with my daughter played out just like I predicted, and when I told my sister, she called my daughter selfish and ungrateful.”

“She said that I’m a bad parent because I ‘taught her to hate (nephew)’.”

“She threatened that if my nephew wasn’t welcome, that neither she nor her husband would come either.”

“I said that was fine, because she wasn’t welcome either.”

“I then reached out to my BIL to let him know what was going on and to tell him he was still welcome if he wanted to come.”

“He thanked me, but said that he would stay home to support my sister.”

‘Her party came and went, and my sister is still being very distant and cold.”

“This has me wondering if I was too harsh to her and my nephew, or too soft on my daughter.”


Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to change their daughter’s cake because of their nephew’s peanut allergy.

Everyone agreed that as this was the OP’s daughter’s birthday, she had every right to choose what kind of cake she wanted, and the OP’s sister should have understood that, even if some felt they could have been a bit more diplomatic in how they handled it.

“I was the kid that always had to compromise.”

“I would ask for something I liked and would be forced to do something else because another family member ‘doesn’t like that’.”

“Especially on my birthday.”

“Now as an adult when someone asks me what my ‘favorite’ of anything is or what I ‘want’ I literally don’t know.”

“I was never allowed to have favorites I always had to people please everyone else.”

“And I rarely ever speak up about what I want and just defer to others to pick everything.”

“And I don’t like celebrating or to acknowledge my birthday because it’s been drilled into my psyche that I’m not special and no one cares about my ‘special day’.”

“You aren’t teaching your kid narcissism or spoiling her by allowing her to pick something she likes over a family member, one time, on her birthday.”

“I THANK YOU for taking your daughters side and letting her make choices for her own birthday.”-ParkingChildhood5033

“NTA it’s your daughters party not your nephews.”

“Plus she’s turning 7.”

“Most 7 year olds I’ve know (and I worked with kids for years) have no or little interest in babies and toddlers if there are anyone their own age or slightly above there.”

“I doubt she’ll miss either nephew, aunt or uncle.”

“Plus calling a seven year old ‘selfish’ for wanting their favorite cake more than seeing a toddler family member is just … I’m trying to find a more diplomatic word for unhinged, but I’m coming up short.”- nopenothappening99

“This is a hard one.”

“Since your nephew is SO allergic, you have to really think about it before having the kid around.”

“Can you order some chinese take out or even fried foods?”

“What have you made in the past day that might be still in the air?”

“Do you have peanuts in something?”

“He is also 3 so you can’t just have a party outside and be like don’t eat that.”

“I am saying NTA as you told them ahead of time and let them know you couldn’t accommodate and wouldn’t force your daughter to accommodate.”

“Hard part of having strong allergies is you don’t get to do everything.”

“It is what it is.”

“NOW if this was say a family BBQ or like a fourth of July event or whatever… yeah make space for the nephew homie.”

“Shoot even a chocolate cake made in a bakery could have some peanut dust on that.”

“Good luck.”

“Try to come at them with some empathy versus defending your kid.”

“‘Hey, I know this isn’t easy, I want to make space for the nephew but sometimes you do things for your kids just for their sake’.”

“‘Do y’all want to come over this weekend for a dinner?'”- Innerouterself2


“Everyone get in the car.”

“We’re going to city hall to do something about all these ONE WAY STREETS.”-ThrowRA_boozebag31


“Your three year old nephew won’t comprehend or care about ‘missing’ a party.”

“Hour sister, on the other hand.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to say she’s hurt about missing out on your daughters party?”

“But definitely tried to make it all about her by saying your seven year old was ‘selfish’ for wanting the cake she wanted.”- RoundWombat


“Really guys?”

“We think he’s a jerk for letting his daughter have the cake she wants at age SEVEN for her birthday party?”

“If it was a sibling, I’d get it.”

“It’s her cousin and he’s too young to know he’s being excluded from anything.”

“Also, name calling a 7 year old for their birthday cake choice is an awful move.”

“OP, you were a bit delusional to think BIL would still come but overall NTA.”-Immediate_Refuse_918

“NTA, it’s your daughters party she should get what SHE wants.”

“End of story.”- SnooStrawberries9314


“Clearly this situation has people very divided.”

“My first thought was she’s the birthday girl and gets to decide her cake.”

“It’s just not about the nephew here.”

“Will she pick peanut butter every year?”


“If she did, then that would be another discussion, possibly.”

“And as someone else mentioned… this will unfortunately be a part of his life that he needs to accept.”

“I’m sure everyone in the family concedes and makes sacrifices due to the nephews allergies a lot.”

“Your daughter included.”

“Let her have the type of cake she wants.”- momohip

“NTA easily.” 

“First, your daughter is 7- she’s obviously not picking peanut butter to spite your nephew.”

“Second, it’s her birthday and she should obviously be allowed to pick what cake she has.”

“It’s unfortunate that your nephew is so allergic, but it’s not his birthday.”

“Additionally, the nephew is 3 for gods sake.”

“Nobody’s feelings are getting hurt, nephew isn’t going to feel left out.”

“It’s really your sister being a drama queen and trying to make your daughter’s birthday about her.”-omegabeta

It would be one thing if this was just a generic family dinner or gathering, when one can safely assume the OP would have made every effort to make sure all the food was safe for their nephew to eat.

But as this was the OP’s daughter’s birthday party, it’s more than fair to say it was the one day where she could get what she wanted.

The OP’s sister might also want to reflect carefully about her reaction, particularly after calling a seven-year-old girl ungrateful for wanting a specific kind of cake on her birthday.

Written by John Curtis

A novelist, picture book writer and native New Yorker, John is a graduate of Syracuse University and the children's media graduate program at Centennial College. When not staring at his computer monitor, you'll most likely find John sipping tea watching British comedies, or in the kitchen, taking a stab at the technical challenge on the most recent episode of 'The Great British Baking Show'.