When you’re on good terms with your family, they can be your best friends. There’s little you wouldn’t do for them.
Redditor macacaralho loves his brothers and supports him in the light of his brother being gay, despite their extended family being bigots. However, the original poster (OP)’s brother isn’t out to their family just yet.
However, OP’s brother wants to celebrate OP’s wedding with the two people he loves most in the world: his brother, OP, and his boyfriend.
OP doesn’t think his brother bringing his boyfriend would go down well, and may take away from the wedding day. When he asked his brother not to bring his boyfriend, things went poorly.
OP isn’t sure if they were a jerk over this, and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about what he did.
“AITA for asking my brother not to bring his boyfriend to my wedding?”
And he starts out saying how much the choice is affecting him.
“Ok this is the worst. I’m losing sleep over this.”
“I’m getting married in a week to an awesome woman, and I cannot wait to be her husband, we are so excited.”
“My brother is gay, but my family doesn’t know, only me and my parents know. I come from a very old school traditional family, so the old part of the family, grandparents and some aunts/uncles still have last century’s mind, and the younger portion, cousins/sibilings are open minded, and are living in the present.”
“So my brother has been dating his bf for 6 months now, the dude is great, I’m so happy my brother found a great guy. But it’s kind of a secret, as he hasn’t told my family he is gay.”
“I’ve been telling him for years that he should come out, cause I know it stresses him a lot, and I think it will make him feel better not to hide anymore, plus I bet a few family members already know anyway.”
“But he disagrees cause he knows a part of the family won’t accept it and it will be a lot of drama.”
“I see the opposite, I see it as the sooner you know who the idiots are, the sooner we can cut them from our lives. I have no interest in having someone in my life that doesn’t accept my brother being gay.”
“Anyway, that’s his decision not mine, so for now he won’t say anything.”
“Until a few weeks ago, when he said he wants to bring his bf to my wedding. I was not expecting that to be honest. So he went from 0 to 100 pretty fast.”
“If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don’t think my wedding day is the day to do that. Imagine all the drama and gossip and bullsh** that would happen.”
“And I don’t want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that’s her day. And I dont wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it’s a pretty good reason”
“I asked him why my wedding day, he said it’s because he wants to celebrate love with the 2 people he loves the most, me and his boyfriend. This is killing me.”
“I would fight my whole family for my brother and never speak to them again if I had to, but my wedding day is supposed to be a celebration, not a family fight, and I can’t do this to my wife, that might ruin our future.”
“I didn’t even tell her, she is already stressed out, dont wanna make it even worse”
“With a heavy heart, I asked him to please come alone to the wedding, and that I hope he understands me. He started crying and left my house without saying anything.”
“Next day I got a text and he said ‘dont worry, going alone’. I tried calling him but he didnt answer me, and my parents don’t seem to know what’s happening because they didn’t say anything.”
“He eventually called me back a few days later, we spoke, he said he understands my side, but things are still weird between us”
“This is the worst situation of my life, am I the a**hole for handling it the way I did?”
On Reddit, the users judged OP for preventing his brother from bringing his boyfriend to his wedding by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The difficult choice here comes from OP’s genuine affection for his brother. He loves him and wants him to be happy.
However, as he points out, his family is likely to make a scene when his brother comes out. And if that happens at his wedding, it could ruin the day for his future wife.
OP made a difficult choice, but the other Redditors agreed it was the right one.
“NTA – God I’m queer and I gotta say, a sibs wedding would NOT be the place to trot out that bit of my life. Its your wedding its your day.”
“Although I have to say if your wife is level headed she wouldn’t let a family fight ruin your relationship. Did you talk to her about this?” – FlamingCabbage91
“NTA. Your brother is essentially looking to come out at your wedding where he knows it will shock and surprise a lot of people and if the family is really conservative it may cause problems. Your wedding is NOT the time for him to do this.”
“If you were homophobic and didn’t want your wife’s family to know, that would be a different story, but that’s not the case. And your parents know and are supportive too!”
“I think it would be best for him to stop hiding who he loves and be happy and celebrate with you and your family, or come alone. Best wishes on your wedding!” – cookiemonsterdog
“NTA – as everyone has said he needs to come out prior to the wedding not on your wedding day. Your wedding is for you and your fiancée.”
“I get his wanting to try to come out in an easier way by just casually inviting his BF to a family event but a wedding isn’t a good choice. Maybe a family bbq or something but not a good choice on his part.” – DeeLite04
“I would say NTA. There are numerous posts about people attending weddings and using the occasion to propose or to announce their pregnancy.”
“In doing so the focus falls on them and not on the couple getting married. They steal the thunder from the bride and groom. This falls into the same category.”
“A wedding is not the place to announce a pregnancy, propose or come out. Your brother should find his own method of coming out to the family as a whole and not use your wedding day to do so.” – sirharryflashman
That said, there’s one sticking point here. Is OP’s brother the jerk for trying to do this?
With their agreement that OP is making the right choice, it becomes the difference between NTA and NAH.
Is OP’s brother wrong for wanting to go to his brother’s wedding with his girlfriend?
“IMO, this is a NAH situation. You’re clearly trying to prevent an extreme blowout at your wedding that can (and likely would) ruin it.”
“Your brother is most likely trying to avoid some measure of the backlash he feels he will receive by coming out by doing so in a situation where it would not be socially acceptable for someone to flip their sh** about it.”
“Both of you have understandable reasoning here, but I think the one who is in the wrong is your brother on this one. He is acting to take advantage of your wedding, while you’re just trying to enjoy your wedding.”
“I would tell him it’s fine to bring his boyfriend, but only if he chooses to come out to the family at least a couple of weeks in advance of your wedding. If he is planning to come out at your wedding, that is not going to be okay.” – ApoliticalRat
“This makes the brother the AH imo. Its understandable, but still selfish to be willing to ruin the wedding to make his own coming out easier.” – hendrix67
“NAH but can I make a suggestion (if someone else hasn’t already)? Would he be willing to lay the groundwork BEFORE the wedding and tell your family in advance.”
“Then, as you say you don’t want anyone in your life who doesn’t accept him as he is, tell all your guests that anyone who has a problem or who will be unable to keep their mouth shut will be better served staying away.” – EtainAingeal
“The wedding is a week away not enough time in my opinion” – Scion41790
“I agree. The biggest problem I see is OP’s brother completely overshadowing the wedding.”
“Even with a week’s notice, that is still what everyone is going to be talking about. Plus, there’s no saying that the people who do have a problem with it actually stay home.” – PowerfulYet
OP made a few updates, including informing us that some people made horrible threats about the situation. But he also wanted to clarify his position.
He notified his bride of the situation, and made sure everyone knew his feelings for his brother.
“Update: spoke to fiancée, couldn’t keep this from her anymore, she agreed with me.”
“Clarification: I know it won’t be my brother that would cause trouble. The trouble would start with remarks and looks from some aunt/uncle.”
“Doesn’t matter, we are spending a lot of money on this wedding, planned it for a long time, my fiancee put her heart and soul into planning this wedding. I don’t want to see my bride or mom crying, or some idiot uncle insulting my brother.”
“Literally every other day of my life I will support my brother’s decision to come out. Even at the wedding, I would obviously defend him.
“But the point is, NOT AT THE WEDDING. Also, MY BROTHER IS NOT THE A**HOLE. Not at all.”
Hopefully OP’s brother will understand in time what a difficult decision OP had to make. And when he does come out, he’ll have the love and support of those closest to him.