In the last few decades hair dyes have come a long way.
More vibrant colors are available and more people are choosing to get creative with their hair.
Much like tattoos, wild hair colors have gone mainstream. But—also like tattoos—not everyone is on board for such self expression.
A young woman dealing with a disapproving friend turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Pretty_Bumblebee_455Â asked:
“AITA for telling my friend I hadn’t asked for her opinion about my hair?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (22, female) recently decided to dye a pink streak into my hair.”
“It made a fun change from my usual look, and honestly gave me a boost of confidence. I got some compliments on it that were very sweet, but I’m more focused on how good I feel within myself.”
“One of my friends ‘Ella’ (23, female) is not a fan of my hair. The first time I was out with her after I’d dyed it, she laughed and said I looked like a children’s show host.”
“Honestly I found that pretty funny, and I don’t take myself very seriously when I don’t think there’s any malice in what’s being said, so I laughed about it too. However over time it’s became clear she actually doesn’t like it and seems to really want me to know.”
“Every other conversation we have includes a weird, passive aggressive comment about my hair, many about whether my boyfriend (BF) thinks it’s weird or not. The few times she’s seen him with me, the first thing she comments on is my hair and tries to laugh with him about it, to which he just stands there.”
“100% her being the only one laughing.”
“Particularly in the situations I mentioned where my BF was there and she’d try to make a joke insinuating I was somehow less attractive in his eyes due to my hair. We’d literally just stand there looking awkward not knowing what to do while she laughed.”
“Now, Ella comes from a conservative family, so I do get that she might not know any other people with unnaturally coloured hair. Maybe her parents have influenced her to think dyed hair looks stupid or something.”
“I haven’t met them, and I’m not exactly planning to! I definitely am enjoying the streak.”
“I don’t mind at all if someone doesn’t like my hair, but it’s amazing to me that she wasn’t able to keep that stuff in her head like most people can.”
“I mean, really?”
“I definitely found her first comment about it funny, but from there it just got very obviously cruel, to a point where it really didn’t feel like a friend ribbing me.”
“Her endless comments have attracted the attention of our other friends too, and whenever she’s called out just laughs and tells us to take a joke.”
“I kind of snapped on her the other day about it.”
“Looking back, I’m surprised I didn’t mention anything to her about it sooner. I think I was trying to brush it off, but it got to me so much by the end that I had to say something.”
“I hate confrontation to the point that I allow things to slip by that others would probably call out a lot sooner. I’m trying to work on it, and to be honest even saying anything to Ella is a step forward for me!”
“Some of us, Ella included, went out for drinks after work. I had my hair up, and the pink bit was clearly visible.”
“The second she saw me, Ella burst out laughing and exclaimed ‘OMG, what is your hair!’. At this point, her comments were clearly not jokes, they were pointed and intended to hurt me.”
“In as level a voice as I could, I looked her dead in the eye and said ‘Ella, I didn’t ask your opinion about my hair’. Her smile immediately faded and she left, blaming me once again for not being able to take a joke.”
“I was pretty surprised at the suddenness of her response—getting up and leaving. I’d imagined she’d try to laugh it off and dismiss me as unable to take a joke yet again.”
“I think it being in front of everyone else is what did it for her.”
“A couple of friends out with us then said that I’d been a little harsh by calling her out in front of everyone, to which I replied that Ella hadn’t minded doing the same to me. The rest of our friends agreed with me, with one even saying they would’ve spoken out much sooner if they were me.”
“Ella has ghosted me ever since. I think she was in the wrong for her comments, but were those friends right about me being harsh by calling her out like I did?”
“She’s always been one of those people who kind of makes little jokes at people’s expense and feels totally comfortable doing it. Ella has in the past made the kind of backhanded comments to others where they’re never ‘OMG, what did you just say‽‽’ level of crazy where they’re called out.
“I think that’s how she manages to slip those comments in so often. I guess she likes to think she ‘speaks her mind’.”
“I know it doesn’t really matter, but I do wonder what her exact reason was for hating my hair quite so much, to the point where she felt compelled to tell me constantly.”
“Should I have been more discreet or something?”
The OP summed up their predicament.
“The action I took that should be judged is publicly calling out my friend on her comments about my hair.”
“This might make me the a**hole if I was too harsh and should’ve waited to get her alone.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I am 47 and work in a professional engineering office and I have pink, purple and blue hair. And my boss loves it—he came over to my desk and said ‘I saw a tuft of pink hair so I knew it was you’.”
“I wish people would get over the bullsh*t of coloured hair. And I agree with you—it is about how it makes you feel! But the compliments also feel nice.” ~ Ok_Television_3257
“NTA. My hair is purple with blue stripes. I tell naysayers that I’m not here to decorate their world.” ~ Pspaughtamus
“NTA. My daughter used to have a pink streak in her hair. Twenty years ago. It’s cute, but it’s hardly radical or worthy of any other comment than ‘suits you!’.”
“Ella is not the centre of the universe and needs to get over herself. You were way more patient than I would have been.” ~ Remember1959
“Here’s why YOU weren’t being harsh in how you handled the situation:”
“SHE insulted your hair the moment you walked in, unprompted, and with no other reason other than to make you feel bad about it.”
“YOU responded by telling her to not talk about your hair. You didn’t insult her, you didn’t mock her, you didn’t pick on a self conscious thing to focus on. You just told her to shut up about your hair.”
“When it comes to these kind of moments, it’s important to remember WHO started the drama. She didn’t need to comment on your hair, but the moment she did she opened herself up to scrutiny.”
“And honestly? If she’s ghosting you then maybe it’s for the best. Is she a good friend besides this hair thing?? Or is this hair thing a good symbol for how she is as a person?” ~ numbersthen0987431
“NTA. If she’d been poking at me that long my response would have started with ‘Look, B*tch…’ and ended with ‘so don’t come for me unless I send for you’ while reading her to filth in between.”
“All you did was state the truth.”
“You never asked her for her opinion on your hair. Unless you omitted a lot of the story, you didn’t insult her or call her names. You didn’t tell her to shut up or mind her own business.”
“If she can’t handle any pushback on her behavior, that’s a her problem, not a you problem.”
“And you can tell her enablers that if they give you sh*t. She acts like this because people let her.” ~ LakotaGrl
The OP provided an update.
“I’m definitely at the stage where I’m finished with our friendship—if she apologizes ever, great, but I’ll still leave things at that and not resume a relationship. If not, then the outcome stays the same.”
“Reading though my post helped me kind of remove myself from it being about me, and I really had a ‘huh. Why did I put up with this again?’ moment.”
“There’s nothing wrong with two people going their separate ways.”
It sounds like things worked out well for everyone.
OP no longer has to be insulted and Ella no longer has to look at OP’s hair.
It’s a win-win.